Category: Sports

Where in the World Cup: an LOL Detective Mystery

Jul. 02 Sports no comments
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The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service.

 

Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things

 

My dad doesn’t understand how hard it is to start a business. It takes time. You have to build a reputation. That’s why I just solved my biggest mystery yet: the history of World Cup geography.

People have been asking “Where is Ghana?” “Where is the Netherlands?” “What is a North Korea?”

worldcupofeverything

Imagine we’re at a bar and my beautiful Kate Spade clutch is flanked by a ketchup bottle, vinegar (gross), a knife and a fork. Basically, my amazing embroidered clutch (America) is surrounded on all sides by sticky bar condiments (the world).

Where is North Korea? It’s west of America. Where is Ghana? It’s south of America. Where is England? Its east of America and the vinegar bottle (which they actually put on food).

Is South America south of America? Yes, but Africa also is south of America. Where is North Korea? Trick question: They don’t play soccer!

Now you understand the geography of the World Cup.

Daddy: Get a job, Marybell.
Me: No worries, Daddy. I’m a private dick (still gross). And I am a geography master.

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Coma Artist Sells Collectible World Cup Illustrations

Jun. 24 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Inspired by the recent soccer match between the United States and Portugal, which resulted in a draw for the Americans, Coma artist and writer, Dee Collins, announced this week she will release a series of collectible illustrations to commemorate the 2014 World Cup.

Entitled “Soccer In A Series of Hand-Drawn Illustrations: Snapshots of the Greatest Moments of the World Cup Soccer Tournament in Brazil in 2014 by Dee Collins,“ the first piece in the collection will be released today and features American Clint Dempsey celebrating a goal in the match versus Portugal.

usa v portugal

Collins captured the magic from the United States’ recent match against Portugal in this stunning illustration. The series will be available to purchase later this week.

“Photographs fail to capture the essence of the moment,” Collins said.  “An artist’s brush can immortalize a moment like no other medium.”

Collins said prints would be available in full-color 8.5″ x 11″ copies or black and white copies for a reduced price.  While she has not yet set a price for the work, Collins said she hoped to keep it affordable.

“I can’t see these pieces selling for more than eighty or ninety dollars each,” Collins said.  “We’ll see where the demand is on the pre-orders and go from there.  My hope is children young and old will be able to afford one or two in the series and cherish them for a lifetime.”

Collins said that while she is not necessarily a soccer fan, she has watched several highlights of this year’s World Cup and saw photos on popular news websites like CNN and Yahoo.  Additional illustrations in the series will be unveiled weekly until the tournament wraps up in July.

 

 

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Healing Hearts One Ball at a Time

Jun. 23 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

When local resident and Coma basketball celebrity Micah Horncraft launched a basketball camp this summer for aspiring superstar students the unexpected happened: Hearts were healed. 
Horncraft launched the camp, Dream Team, less than a year after he went unselected in the 2013 NBA draft.
“I knew it was no sure thing since I had never played team basketball but it was still devastating,” Horncraft said about his NBA experience.
But failing to garner interest from a single NBA team was still enough to propel Horncraft into the ranks of local celebrity, which attracted a capacity inaugural class to his basketball camp for local teens and young adults.
“It’s kind of cool because, you know, he was almost in the NBA, or whatever,” said Chase Donovan, a camp enrollee.
“His drills are really different.”
Horncraft’s camp also has drawn attention for its enrollees’ participation in various activities that appear unrelated to basketball, such as helping him curate his museum.
“It’s amazing that even cut-rate local celebrity turns people into drooling zombies,” said Robert McGuiness, the only middle-aged camp enrollee.
It remains to be seen if any Dream Team graduates will go on to fame and fortune but Horncraft already considers the camp a success.
“Helping kids and that older gentleman has really allowed me to heal from my heartbreaking experience with the NBA,” Horncraft said.
micah the athlete

Horncraft, above, said he  is considering next launching an all-star ultimate fighting academy.

Horncraft, who was not invited to participate in any pre-draft workouts or camps, said a lot of getting drafted has more to do with “who you know” and indicated he would work harder over the next year to develop contacts “in the right circles.”

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Are You Smart Enough to Chessbox?

Jun. 04 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Back from a decisive defeat at last years Chessboxing tournament Jax Owen looks to retake the crown as Coma’s Chess boxing Champion.

Did you know? Chessboxing originated in London.

Did you know? Chessboxing originated in London.

“I’m not worried about the competition because there’s not many smart athletic people in Coma. You are either one or the other.” says Jax Owen, owner of Jax Used Cars.

chess-boxing-3

 

 

The ultimate mash-up of brains and brawn, chessboxing is exactly what it sounds like. Competitors must be masters of both knocking out and checkmating opponents, as the sport involves alternating rounds of chess and boxing. I can only imagine that repeated blows to the head must affect their ability to develop chess strategies.

The tournament begins Friday at the Coma Community Center and will continue until someone either checks out or checkmates. The entry fee for the event is $5. Food and drink are not included.

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Competitive Wife Carrying Training

May. 28 Sports no comments
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Do you have a wife? Do you know how to competitively carry her?

Do you want to learn how to win at carrying your wife competitively?

This is a seminar where you learn that wife carrying is not just for fun it’s a test of endurance and sportsmanship.

Sign up online or in person at the Coma Recreation Center.

All kinds of wives and “carriers” welcome — we do not discriminate.

 

Wife carrying is an endurance competition and not a sprint.

Wife carrying is an endurance competition and not a sprint.

 

Wife carrying, which originated in Sonkajärvi, Finland, is a sport in which male competitors race to carry their female teammate through an obstacle course in the shortest time. Not only does the winner of the Wife Carrying Championship in Sonkajärvi get the glory of being the number one wife carrier, he also wins his wife’s weight in beer. 

Your wife can be heavy or light you just have to carry her through an obstacle course.

Your wife can be heavy or light you just have to carry her through an obstacle course.

 

Where: Coma Aquatics and Recreation Center

When: All weekend long during normal hours of operation.

What to bring: Your own wife and a towel. Workout clothing is encouraged. Wet suits discouraged. Bondage instruments discouraged.

 

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First Openly Scottish Player Drafted in Coma Pool League

May. 15 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

Only the most ardent billiards fans or committed alcoholics are usually present for the Coma Pool League’s annual draft.

But on Wednesday night something special happened at Bob’s Beer Hole. History was made.

Robert McGuiness was drafted in the first round of this season of pairs billiards by last season’s returning runner-up team, Ball Smackers.

“Are you literally serious?” McGuiness said when his name was called by Jax Owen, Ball Smackers’ owner and team captain. “Is it too late for me to withdraw my name?”

shinysbsa

Predictably, the reaction to the first openly Scottish pool league player, both supportive and ugly, was strong on social media and elsewhere.

“$36.50 for anyone who will switch with me,” McGuiness tweeted shortly after the draft. “I’m serious people, please don’t ruin the next four months of my life by making my play with this guy.”

Others downplayed the historic nature of the selection of McGuiness, who spent recent months sharpening his pool skills after he was terminated by Coma News.

“This is all about talent, not what pathetic country he’s from,” Owen said about his teammate.

Marlee Bumgartner, activist and shut-in, hailed the selection as important not only for the billiards league but for the entire town.

“Have you heard his accent?” Bumgartner said. “I’m serious, ask him to say aluminum. Amazing.”

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Community Events: Octopush Training

May. 14 Classified, Sports no comments
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Do you like being underwater?

Do you like hockey?

Coma Aquatic Center is sponsoring an Octopush Training.

Octopush is a name someone made up for underwater hockey.

In this sport two teams of six try to push a puck using a stick into the opposing team’s goal (underwater). Although this sport is played around the world, it has not gained a major following.

Let’s start an Octopush fire except underwater and not in a forest!

You do not need to know how to swim, breath underwater or understand Hockey to play this sport. Join us this weekend.

Free beer and brats afterward (no eating before swimming) sponsored by Jax Used Cars!

Time: 4:46pm

Date: Saturday May, 17th

Place: Coma Aquatic Center

Who: Anyone who owns a bathing suit. No tailgating prior to the event.

What: You do not need to swim or like hockey!

 

Octopush is underwater but you don't need to know how to swim!

Octopush is underwater but you don’t need to know how to swim!

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Mud, Paintball: More Fun Than Gaming?

May. 01 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Staff

The first time Chase Donovan touched a tree was when he was 12 years old. But now he regularly rides over saplings with gusto.

Like many other Coma kids, Donovan transformed from a video game addicted, 250 lb. pre-teen slob to an fit, socially aware young man with the help of The Coma Games.

 

Now Donovan is to give back by volunteering at the 5th annual event which aims to address the various “epidemics” afflicting children of the town by constructively engaging them in their environment. Specifically, Donovan is helping to run the Coma Games’ ATV races “for fat kids.”

atv splashing in mud

Chase Donovan is no longer fat now that he discovered “the outdoors are fun”.

“It’s what got me to consider that maybe not every non-Xbox activity was totally lame,” Donovan said about the race. “I had never moved anywhere near that fast through the woods so I pretty much became a speed junky after that.”

Jax Owen, who supervises the ages 14-15 Jeep-based Mud Bogging competition, said he has seen more success stories like Donovan than he can count.

Mud bogging was added to the Coma games and has become one of the most popular additions.

Mud bogging was added to the Coma games and has become one of the most popular additions.

“Once you give kids access to high-powered motorized vehicles and paint guns, you pretty much can’t get them to sit in front of a TV again,” Owen said. “And it doesn’t hurt that they give me all the vehicles, paintball guns and other equipment when this thing is over.”

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