By Coma News Daily Staff

The Coma Athletic Association adopted rules this week to remove the “unnecessary speed” from local youth football games.

The changes include eliminating the 60-minute time limit on games so “we can see where that takes us,” said Bob Smith-Smith, the new football commissioner.

“There was a lot of rushing around out there and, really, where else do we have to be?” said Smith-Smith, who retired from the Town Council last year.

Under the new baseball inspired rules, there will only be 5 plays per quarter and most of the game will consist of pre-snap staring contests between quarterbacks and linebackers. Mandatory extended discussions between quarterbacks and coaches will be required before and after each play.

Another change will require at least half an hour between any play that causes players to exert themselves.

Not everyone was excited about the new rules. Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, said the rules may actually exacerbated concussion risks because bored and “zoning out” young players may be blindsided by tackles when the rare play begins.

“The diabetes risk among the players also is likely to explode, given the complete lack of exertion with the baseball-like changes,” Dr Jimmy said.

Smith-Smith said new liquid diet and daily 10-mile running requirements should stave off any diabetes risks.

“Our young football players will have the stunning physiques and health of long distance runners by the time we’re done with them,” Smith-Smith said.

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By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week his life-long pursuit of participating in the Summer Olympics was over after learning that darts was not an Olympic sport.

“I went to the website to register for Olympics and that’s when I realized there were no dart events,” Anderson said.

When asked why he didn’t check to see if darts was an Olympic sport before going through years of training, Anderson replied, “It never occurred to me that darts aren’t a sport. Have you been to Bear’s Biker Bar during dollar-drink Happy Hour?”

Anderson told Coma News that he has been training relentlessly to compete on the world’s largest competitive stage for nearly three decades.  In 1990, he dropped out of community college to focus solely on improving his dart skills with an eye on the 2016 Summer Olympics.

“My commitment to the sport of darts has cost me countless jobs, friends, a career as a stand up comedian, some family members, and really any social life whatsoever,” he said. “I thought for sure darts was on the Olympics. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?”

Those closest to Anderson said the 46-year-old has been talking about his Olympic dream incessantly in recent years, telling anyone who’d listen that he was an Olympic-level athlete and asking people if they wanted any souvenirs from Rio, the host city for the 2016 games.

“I honestly assumed it was some alternate-style Olympic Games he was talking about,” a close acquaintance who wished to remain anonymous told reporters.  “Like, bar or tavern-style Olympic Games with pool, darts, shuffleboard, pull tabs.  That kind of thing.”

Anderson said that while he admits he probably should have confirmed dart’s inclusion in the summer Olympics, he assumed that all “kick-ass sports” were already part of the world’s largest sporting event.

“I’m devastated but I’m going to move on,” Anderson said. “I’m going to shift my focus now on qualifying for the Winter Games in snow-shoeing and might find time to focus on being the mayor of Coma.”

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By Coma News Staff

It was not a grand opening for Sadie Cracker at the annual Valentine’s Day box-making (VBM) training camp for parents on Wednesday.

The first-day results for the mother of two elementary school-age boys  was two discarded attempts at a Valentine’s box and a third torn to shreds in frustration.

“Last year, I swore on everything holy that this was the year my boys would have great boxes to hold the Valentine’s Day cards they get in class,” Cracker said. “But there’s still a lot of camp left to turn this around before game day.”

Cracker was the early favorite to win this year’s top box-making honors among Coma parents, due to her extensive off-season smack talking that got her suspended from the town’s Facebook page.

“I probably need a hobby,” Cracker said.

Meanwhile, Cindy Horncraft emerged surprisingly strong from the first day of training camp with a scale BB-8 card box complete with remote control.

This valentine’s box would only take a competitor three weeks to create. Not bad for something your child uses for 30 minutes in class.

“I knew that when I got to training  camp it was going to be all about  showing confidence and realism,” Horncraft said.

Coaches liked what they saw in Horncraft.

“She brought her A-game,” said Shane Darvish, a box-making coach. “Let’s hope she can stay healthy this year.”

Horncraft suffered a season-ending torn ACL during last year’s camp while trying to speed cut a hole in a shoe box.

Another standout at this year’s camp was Marlee Bumgartener, who’s switching sports after ranking second in last year’s Halloween costume-making competition.

“I believe I can do it,” Bumgartener said of making the switch just before VBM camp. “It’s just going to take a lot of hard work and focus. I’m going to start by pretending they’re just box-shaped costumes and go from there.”

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By Dr Jimmy, Coma physician, divorcee and former raver

Many parents enroll their children in sports to build character and self-esteem.

But it is often overlooked that middle-aged divorced men suffer from some of poorest senses of self-worth of anyone in our society, and that can undermine how valuable and competent we feel.

The interactions middle age men have with former soulmates, lawyers, liquor store clerks, parole officers, and even strangers can shape how we feel about ourselves.

Critical periods for boosting or reducing self-esteem occur soon after divorce and other formerly marrieds can provide important role models for these survivors.

Additionally, participation in sports can positively or negatively affect a middle age man’s self-esteem.

A Home for Those Guys–Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men–is aiming to help enhance the self-esteem of these vulnerable members of our society. In March, AHTG plans to launch “Gladiator: Coma,” which will pit their residents against under developed teens in a series of tests of speed, agility, and strength.

Although your average middle age guy has the physical prowess of a pregnant yak, they have more than even odds to prevail against the collection of Latin Club members, math Olympians , and budding robot engineers slated to compete during G:C.

And isn’t pounding the snot out of a weaker male really what self-esteem is made out of?

It is for these guys.

So thank you, AHTGs, for stepping up and reminding everyone in town why you continue to be such a valued member of the Coma community. And remember, my dear readers, to come check me hand out some Nitro-sized beatdowns in March!

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by Coma News staff

Pounding pulses Monday at the outdoor Coma chess tournament resulted in one of the finalists suffering a mild heart attack.
Jonny Douglas, 78, was expected to recover after he was rushed to the hospital during a rain drenched match in the months-long tournament.
“The stress of any game, exposure, and exhaustion can be a deadly mix–no matter how little the athlete moves,” said Dr. Jimmy.
The tournament, which is sponsored by Coma Cemetary (a cemetery), has has taken a surprisingly tragic turn since it was launched in March.

“Poppy Brandies died last Tuesday of the pertussis before playing his last round again Janice Michaels who was subbing in for Doris Redding who is stuck in the assisted living facility with pneumonia,” said Stan Bargemeyer, Coma News intern and a tournament participant.
Most matches have ended in a draw after residents either withdrew due to  mental health problems, death or months-long physical sickness.
“Some say this game is cursed,”said Micah Horncraft, 38, who is by far the youngest player. “I find the drama of life on display here thrilling and the chess is fun, as well.”
Not everyone enjoys the ongoing death matches.

The outdoor matches have Coma citizens wondering, “Will my opponent still be here when the clock stops?” .

“The whole thing was orchestrated to get participants to purchase their plots and caskets from ‘Coma Cemetary’ for half price,” said Robert McGuiness. “But the effect it’s having now mainly seems focused on filling coffins.”

The Town of Coma Cemetary (a cemetery) saw much success in it’s Nacho’s for Mother’s Day campaign and is now looking to broaden it’s brand into multiple sponsorships in the community.

Bob Smith-Smith, Town Council member and owner of the cemetery, pushed back on safety concerns linked to the tournament.
“This is about these players soldering on through disappearing memories, cataract – induced blindness and yes, even death,” Smith-Smith said.
“The only option we have, really, is to enact an ordinance barring death from chess matches and I can tell you from past experience that that’s a pretty heavy legislative lift.”

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By Coma News Daily Staff

The first thing you learn in street soccer is to expect the unexpected.

From potholes and loose pavement to poor lighting and even traffic. You never know what logistical challenge will pop up when your trying to get in a quick game of “road ball” with friends.

“Coma may never have as many street soccer players as a place like Portland, but it could do a lot more to promote this sport, fix dangerous conditions, and teach its sometimes surly motorists how to drive in mixed company,” said Micah Horncraft, local street soccer enthusiast.

And try it will. This summer and next the town plans to double its Ball Kicking zones (cross hatched street markings of sections of busy roadways designated as street soccer areas), from 15 to 34 miles of Coma’s streets.

So Straatvoetbal (as the Dutch call it)  and Ball Kicking zones are concepts that Coma motorists might as well get used to.

But many Coma motorists scoff at the idea of a freestyle futball-friendly town and appear to oppose the idea. In comments posted beneath a recent article about the town’s plan to increase BK zones, their disgruntlement is palpable.

“Almost knocked off my bike by a well-placed groin shot from one of these hooligans. Roads are for bikes!” wrote Quicksile22.

“To whoever kicked the ball through my passenger side window: I’m keeping it,” wrote Grammy1937.

“Balls!” wrote Journalismisdead.

Despite the skepticism and ridicule, road soccer is solidifying its place in town as a legitimate form of recreation. More than 60 percent of Coma homes lie within a half-mile of a “road field.”

Although the total number of players is devilishly difficult to obtain, Horncraft estimated offhand that 80 percent of Coma residents play road soccer “or wish they could.”

But its not all fun and games. Seven adults were hospitalized for injuries playing road soccer last year in Coma. Unlike traditional soccer injuries blamed on collisions with other players, the road soccer injuries generally stemmed from being imbedded in the grills or windshields of cars.

“Small price to pay for a tremendous cardiovascular workout,” Horncraft said of the vehicular challenges.

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