Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’
Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists
be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News
conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism
. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.
I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees?
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!