New Football Rules to Slow Game to Baseball Speed

By Coma News Daily Staff

The Coma Athletic Association adopted rules this week to remove the “unnecessary speed” from local youth football games.

The changes include eliminating the 60-minute time limit on games so “we can see where that takes us,” said Bob Smith-Smith, the new football commissioner.


“There was a lot of rushing around out there and, really, where else do we have to be?” said Smith-Smith, who retired from the Town Council last year.

Under the new baseball inspired rules, there will only be 5 plays per quarter and most of the game will consist of pre-snap staring contests between quarterbacks and linebackers. Mandatory extended discussions between quarterbacks and coaches will be required before and after each play.

Another change will require at least half an hour between any play that causes players to exert themselves.

Not everyone was excited about the new rules. Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, said the rules may actually exacerbated concussion risks because bored and “zoning out” young players may be blindsided by tackles when the rare play begins.


“The diabetes risk among the players also is likely to explode, given the complete lack of exertion with the baseball-like changes,” Dr Jimmy said.

Smith-Smith said new liquid diet and daily 10-mile running requirements should stave off any diabetes risks.

“Our young football players will have the stunning physiques and health of long distance runners by the time we’re done with them,” Smith-Smith said.

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