Category: Sports

Jabba The Hutt Picks Football Games- Week 2

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 2

Last Week- 1 – 3

Season- 1 – 3

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Last week was not kind to Jabba The Hutt.  For the record, I’m totally cool with people just calling me “Jabba”.  Adding “The Hutt” seems a big formal and even, dare I say, tedious? See? I really am just this totally chill, laid back dude.

So, it’s time for Jabba to get well this week.  Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans

Both teams looked pretty good at times last week.  I’m going with the home team in this one because I think the teams are evenly matched and if that’s the case, Jabba always goes with the home team.


Last Tuesday I had coffee with my friend Amanaman at this cozy, fun little coffee shop in the Modarian System.  “What?!! Jabba The Hutt has coffee with friends at cozy, fun little coffee shops???!!!” Yes, he does.  Because he is a low-key, down-to-earth kind of guy.  Just a regular dude who is just as comfortable snapping towels in the locker room as he is sipping craft beers on a yacht.  He’s not an ogre, douchebag.

New Orleans Saints at New York Giants

Two powerful offenses and two questionable defenses.  Jabba smells high-scoring affair! Although, that could just be Hermi Odle I smell.  Haha! Hoho! Jabba is kidding about that, but you know what I mean!

I think the Giants defense has improved and that will be enough to pull out the victory and go to 2 – 0.


Have I ever told you guys about my on-going legal dispute with Pizza Hut? I may not have time to go into it completely here, but…let’s just say it’s getting ugly.  For nearly 35 years I’ve been getting their mail and they have been getting mine.  I make one simple request for them to change their name and they refuse! I even gave them some cool suggestions.  Like, “Pizza Garage”, “Pizza Yurt”, “Pizza Industrial Complex” and many, many more.  They are a bunch of assholes.  But, I digress…

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins

Both teams struggled last week.  I think the rookie Elliott goes for big yards on the ground, but it won’t be enough to beat an underwhelming, yet talented, Washington squad looking to make amends for their Monday night performance.


Of course Pizza Hut said I should have to change MY name! My LEGAL name.  I was born with that name.  They made their name up to sell a few pizzas.  And technically, they aren’t even a hut.  Most of their franchises are in strip malls or small, modular buildings.  Have these motherfuckers ever seen a hut? How about “Pizza Small, Non-Descript Building”? At least that’s more accurate.

Anyways, I have to go to court next week because we’re filing a new injunction.  “Oh, wait a second! Jabba The Hutt knows big fancy legal words like ‘injunction’?” Yes he does! Like why would that even be a surprise? I’ve got my shit together.  Jabba The Hutt is a cool, laid-back dude that has his shit together.  Alright, my last pick for the week…

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings 

Both teams survived close games against less-talented AFC South teams on the road last week. Vikings got a lot of help from their defense.  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t make a lot of mistakes.  Close game will come down to final play, but I like the road team in this one.



Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 1

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games

By Jabba the Hutt, Guest Sports Editor, Coma News Daily

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  I am not Terry Bradshaw. You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Over the years I’ve had some success at accurately picking winners.  Like, I’m really, really good at it.  So, I’ve decided to start sharing my predictions.  I’m grateful to the Town of Coma News for finding some value in offering this to their readers.

Here are my picks for week 1.

Carolina Panthers at Denver Broncos

I like the Panthers to get some revenge and put heavy pressure on the young Broncos’ signal caller.  Look for the Panthers to run it up late.


Before I go any further, I want to address something.  It is something that has been bothering me for some time now.  I initially submitted this recurring feature to more than 200 news outlets.  I thought for sure at least one of them would be like “OMG, YES! We want to be in the Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Business.”

But none of them were interested.  They said they were shocked at how juxtaposed my writing was from the colorful character I displayed in the The Star Wars Motion Picture Films.

They wanted me to “ham it up” as it were like a Terry Bradshaw.  To be someone I’m not.  In real life, I’m not some flashy, fast-talking warlord.  I’m a pretty easy-going guy.  I’m even on Pinterest.  So, you know…I have a wide variety of interests.

Sorry.  I had to express myself.  Back to my picks…

Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans

Minnesota is still reeling from the loss of their young franchise quarterback.  Sean Hill looks like a nice guy with great abs, but I’m going with the home team here who has their own young franchise quarterback.


I mean, and again, this is another aside…but, do people expect me to belch and burp all the time?  Am I supposed to make Rancor references or talk about how bad Gamorreans smell after a long day in the desert? (they do wear a ridiculous amount of clothing for such a warm climate)

Guess what? Jabba The Hutt is a regular dude.  He likes eating Doritos with his Mt. Few and…hitchhiking.  I carry around a switchblade like everyone else.  So why should my column be any different?  It’s hella frustrating.

Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville is going to the playoffs this season.  Write that one down.  Their march toward the playoffs begins with a win at home over the Green Bay Packers.  A much-improved defense is the difference this year for a young Jaguars team.


I think what people really want is genuine Jabba The Hutt.  Not phony Jabba The Hutt.

I understand that once people meet me in person they are a little taken aback by my tone and personality.  I always hear “you’re not at all what I expected.”

Well guess what? I’m just being myself.  All the time.  Sorry if my reality is too much for you to handle media.  I even buy lottery tickets! I mean, how much more normal can a guy be? And I grew a moustache for Movember last year.  “Oh, why would you do that? You’re Jabba The Hutt?


I wore pink for breast cancer awareness month because just like any other 2000 pound man I really believe boobs are special.

So, I’m sorry.  I feel like my prediction article is getting derailed.  But, come on.

Time for my final pick of the week…

New England Patriots at Arizona Cardinals

Some say this is a sneak peek at Super Bowl LI.  I say it just might be.  No Brady? No problem for the Patriots, who strike early and often to earn an impressive road win against one of the NFC’s top teams.



Man Gets Ready in Record Time


By: Coma News Staff

Coma resident Thomas Steven John  claimed this week he set a new personal record for getting ready.

“Twelve minutes,” John said with a wide grin.  “That includes showering, brushing my teeth, applying lotion to my face, getting dressed, putting on my shoes and collecting my keys, debit card, cash and a few breath mints.”

John, who told his friends and his girlfriend, Carol Tate, about his feat, said he can usually get ready pretty fast on a normal day, but there was something special about this experience.

“As I was drying my crotch I realized I had only taken about a two minute shower because my crotch wasn’t even wet,” John said.  “That’s when I knew I had a chance to get ready faster than I’d ever gotten ready before.”

John was preparing to meet his friends at a local tavern and ended up being nearly one hour early.

“I think I can do it even faster,” John said.  “If I eliminate the shower part and the tooth brushing, I could probably get ready in ten minutes.  Is it tooth brushing or teeth brushing?”

Tragic Ending to First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon


Although originally conceived as a way to reinvigorate the monotony of the standard Walk-A-Thon event, the first annual Coma Jaywalk-A-Thon quickly earned its way on to the official list of “Coma’s Really Bad Ideas.”

By Coma News Staff

Created by Micah Horncraft with a goal to raise money to help find a cure for a yet to be identified disease, Horncraft insists he began with the greatest of intentions.

“This was going to be a fun and energetic new way to help raise money for worthwhile causes,” Horncraft said.  “And even though several people died and countless others were severely injured, I still think this event raised some money and awareness.”

The Jaywalk-A-Thon was held on a Friday in downtown Coma.  More than 400 participants turned out for the event, which got underway with a bagel and coffee kickoff event near the Coma Cemetery.  Late in the afternoon, participants, who raised money through a series of pledges, took off toward the town’s bustling streets.

“I was really charged up,” Chase Donovan, 16, said.  “This was my first fundraising activity I had ever taken part in.  It was so cool.  Then, about a block into it, my friend got struck down by a bus. He’s okay though. The bus was coming to a stop.”

Donovan said that while he would consider participating in future events, he’s going to be a bit more careful in choosing the activity as well as the cause.

“Apparently, they never got around to choosing a disease to benefit,” Donovan said.  “I thought that was kind of odd.  Also, the more I think about it the more I think unleashing hundreds of people onto busy streets during the middle of rush hour is probably not the best idea either.  But you live and you learn.  Well, unfortunately not everyone who participated lived.”

Aside from the more than 30 reported car accidents, the event also resulted in the deaths of three participants not to mention the nearly 40 others who suffered critical injuries.

Ironically, the tragedy of the First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon helped generate several other fundraising events, the proceeds of which went directly to benefit participants of the Jaywalk-A-Thon.

“You can’t make this shit up,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib .  “I think it’s nice that people want to help charities and try to cure diseases, but let the professionals handle it.  If you’re not sure who the professional organizations are, just ask them whether or not multiple people have ever lost their lives during one of their events.  That’s a good place to start.”

Horncraft, however, remains undeterred by what he calls a “minor setback.”

“Our biggest mistake was probably not identifying a charity or disease sooner in the process. That’s probably the one thing I would change,” Horncraft said.  “But shit, I didn’t realize how much work these things were and we kind of just forgot all about that part.”

Horncraft said plans were already underway for a second annual event, planned for next spring.  He said he will definitely make some adjustments based on lessons he learned from the first event.

“We’re probably going to hold it in the evening,” Horncraft said.  “There are a lot fewer cars driving around the streets at night time.  That will help a lot.”

It Takes a Village to Crush a Place

By Coma News Staff

Simmering social tensions boiled over in an explosion of sparkle powder and silly string during a recent middle school baseball game.

The kerfuffle came during Saturday’s highly anticipated face off between the Lean Innings team, sponsored by Coma’s new Wimin’s Vyllyge for divorced women, and the DivorceHers, sponsored by A Place for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

Let's face it. We've come a long way.

Let’s face it. We’ve come a long way.

Tensions on the field started to rise when the Wimin’s team started chants like “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Your Patriarchy’s Got to Go!”

That led to increasingly childish chants led by DivorceHers’ coaches, like:
Coach: Who let the dogs out?!!
Players: Woof! Woof! Woof!

A place for those guys Front Page

Those Guys managed to get vertical for their recent baseball face-off with the Vyllyge people.

Real trouble started when an errant pitch from Marty Stouffer hit Katie Ramshackle. As the player walked to first base, Lean Innings coach Natalie Peters threatened to charge the pitcher with a pitcher of organic goat’s milk.

That led DiverceHers coach Alan Pezzati to spray a “defensive mist” between the two from his keg of Natural Light.

“She was showing the lack of leadership they have over there when it comes to playing baseball the right way,” Pezzati said.

Peters, furious, slowly went to talk to her player at first base.

The next batter, Justine Bateman, grounded to third, and Ramshakle slid into the second baseman, Billy Gonzalez, with all of her might.

That led to a Pezzati to throw peanuts and Cracker Jacks from the side of the field.

The slide was late, Gonzalez deftly stepping out of harm’s way but threw wildly to first base. No matter. In 2016, it’s an automatic double play.

Pezzati serenaded Ramshackle with a slurry “Nana Nana, Nana Nana, hey, hey, goosebye!”

That was apparently the final straw for the opposing coach who charged across the field and speared Pezzati with her hornless head.

Pezzati’s double beer-straw helmet and sunglasses flew off. His head, somehow, stayed on.

“She got me pretty good,’’ Pezzati said after the game, “so I have to give her that.’’

In a matter of seconds, both teams were on the field spraying silly string, throwing beer pretzels and dousing each other with random fluid containers.

“It takes a bigger man,’’ Pezzati said, “to knock me down.’’

It’s going to take a really big man, if not a crazed one, to ever think about taking on Peters again after that goring.

The game was called on account of “excessive imbecility.” And there likely will be plenty of suspensions in its aftermath.

Yet, when it was over, DivorceHers co-coach Dr. Jimmy seemed almost proud of everyone going all old-school.

“I take offense at anyone who doesn’t want to play this game hard, drunk, and violently.’’

Bigfoot Sighting at Pick-up Basketball Game

By Coma News Staff

A pick-up basketball game at the Coma City Park was interrupted last week after participants claimed a Sasquatch sat down near the court and indicated he “got next”.  The incident marks the third reported sighting of bigfoot in Coma this year and left witnesses shaken.

“I almost crapped myself,” Coma teen Chase Donovan said.  “Can I say ‘crapped myself’ on an internet news site?”

According to eyewitnesses, the giant, hair-covered figure emerged from a nearby restroom midway through a friendly, yet competitive, three-on-three basketball game.  After watching from afar for several minutes, Bigfoot approached a bench near the court, relaced his shoes and then sat down.

bigfoot on bench

Artist sketch of the reported bigfoot that sat on a park bench hoping to get in on a game of basketball with local teens

“He started tapping his chest and pointing to himself,” Donovan said.  “Then he pretended to shoot a basketball and dribble and kept pointing to himself.  We finally realized he was calling next game.”

According to amateur cryptozoologist, Micah Horncraft, while it is rare for Bigfoot to play recreational team sports, it is not unheard of.

“There have been accounts of Bigfoot engaging in volleyball games and even gymnastics,” Horncraft said.  “It is much more common for them to stick to their own cultural games like hit-stick-rock and leaf-on-head-leaf-tucked-in-shoe-don’t-touch-leaf.

Donovan said that he and his friends left the court following their game but watched from a distance as bigfoot sat slumped on the park bench shaking his head.

“I think he was sad that no one wanted to play with him,” Donovan said.  “But forget that.  Who wants to match up with him in the paint?”




Baseball, American Style

By Coma News Daily Staff

Residents of Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men figure they have a collective 2,807 years of baseball-watching experience between them.

They plan to offer those collective learnings–along with an encyclopedic knowledge of women–to Coma’s impressionable youth, by sponsoring a middle school league baseball team.

Co-coaches Dr. Jimmy and Alan Pezzati, owner of Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, were vague on the prospects for their team, called the DivorceHers, but certain that the 11-13-year-old players would learn a lot.

“These boys need to understand the difference between a double and a homerun and who better to teach them than a couple guys who have rounded the bases with more nubile 22 year olds than I can count,” said Pezzati.

Dr. Jimmy described his coaching philosophy as “self-exploratory” and plans to encourage players to find their “inherent amazery.”

A place for those guys large ad

Coma’s newest middle school baseball coaches hope to inappropriately redefine “safety squeeze,” “spitters,” and “spray hitters” during the new season.

His first coaching lesson? That adolescent players get in touch with themselves and their feelings about the sport.

“If they can’t first make themselves happy, they’ll never be able to make their teammates happy,” Dr. Jimmy said.

Players who are exhausted by standing around in the outfield will be encouraged to lay down and nap, while those who are hungry can snap for their moms to run out sandwiches to them.

The DivorceHers coaches were not concerned that they likely will face other teams who treat baseball more like a serious sport and less as a thought experiment.

“The only people who should be afraid are the older sisters and unusually young mothers–assuming they’re all legal age and somewhat attractive,” Pezzati said.

Other residents of a Place for Those Guys plan to support the team with “special brownie” bake sales, beer can collection drives, and by attending games that are not too far of a walk for someone pulling a cooler.

“It’s really about showing these kids that they don’t need to accomplish anything to become something,” said Dr. Jimmy.

One Coma mom was supportive of the historic team.

“The league sounds amazing so I’m totally planning on having my boys sign up,” said Sadie Cracker. “Sounds like something that will turn out as well as the outdoor spin class or jean racers did.”

Sports Brief: Unicycle Polo Tournament This Weekend

normalBy Coma News Daily Staff

The Unicycle Polo Tournament will still happen this weekend despite inclement weather and tire pressure loss.

Most participants agreed that last year’s tournament made the annual unicycle jousting match seem timid in comparison.

“The main problem is that staying on a unicycle while playing polo is difficult,” said Robert McGuiness, former reporter for Coma News Daily. “I would rather be playing pool because you can drink alcohol while playing pool but no way can you drink and stay on a unicycle.”

In 1994, the World unicycling championships (UNICON) were in Minneapolis, Minn. The venue was double-booked with a Hockey tournament. After unicyling hundreds of miles along frozen Minnesota highways, participants weren’t about to quit. So the only logical choice was to combine unicyling with hockey. Eight teams participated: Bochum (Germany), Canada, Germany, LAHIMO (Germany), Puerto Rico, TCUC (USA), USA, and a mixed team. Germany beat LAHIMO 10 to 9 in a very exciting championship final.

Some of the earliest inventors of unicycle polo found it a great way to excersize and create team spirit.

Some of the earliest proponents of unicycle polo found it a great way to exercise and create team spirit.

These tournaments have continued and Coma Sports is hoping to field a team for 2016 and to be the first unincorporated town to join in the festivities as an unofficial town located somewhere in the United States.

“We haven’t found our David Beckham or Hulk Hogan, yet,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “We have several prospects but the Octopush underwater polo training really narrowed the field. The Rec Center posted a sign saying you do not need to know how to breath underwater to participate, which isn’t the case. You do need to know how to breathe underwater for Octopush. Most people could not.”

The Tournament will happen on Saturday at 1pm at the Coma Basketball field and Basketball Bigfoot might make an appearance to take “pictures with the kids.” As a friendly reminder, anyone showing up on a bicycle will be arrested and anyone showing up on a horse will have their horse arrested.