Tag: Stan Bargmeyer

If You Try Really Hard, You Can Make Thanksgiving Memorable

Nov. 18 Living no comments
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By Coma News Intern Stan Bargmeyer

My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is to create real-to-life edible portraits of family and friends.

When your guests sit down at your Thanksgiving table and see their reflection staring back at them on a plate-  it will be worth the many hours you poured into creating these intimate and sobering caricatures.

Below are directions for you to make your own edible portraits. This can all feel a little overwhelming at first, like shampooing your hair for the first time or listening to songs on the radio. But with a tremendous amount of effort, perseverance and dedication, you too can reap the rewards of creating a most memorable Thanksgiving tradition.

HOW TO MAKE EDIBLE PORTRAITS

PREPARATION TIME: 17 – 39 hours

  1. You will need sliced bread, ketchup and a photograph of a loved one

Edible Portrait 2

  1. Lay the bread out on a flat, even surface
  2. The bread is basically your “canvas”
  3. The ketchup is basically your “paint”
  4. By studying the photograph, use the ketchup to create an accurate portrait of your loved one
  5. Try your best to capture your loved one’s spirit, essence and soul
  6. Place completed portrait on a plate and set in front of loved one’s assigned seat at the table
  7. You’re done!

Edible Portrait 1

Your guests are likely to pay you lots of compliments like “Hey, why is there a piece of bread with ketchup on it sitting on the table?” and “What the hell is this?” Once you explain to them what it is they are looking at and how many hours you spent getting it just right, they will be flabbergasted and grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

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1832- Town Celebrates Log That Resembles Andrew Jackson

Sep. 05 Coma History no comments
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By Coma News Intern and Historian, Stan Bargmeyer

First discovered by Vincent St. Preaux in 1832, Coma’s famous Log-that-Resembles-Andrew-Jackson was the toast of the town for nearly two decades.  The eight-foot log captivated residents of Coma, who found the uncanny resemblance to War of 1812 hero, Andrew Jackson, to be a sign that the town was destined for greatness.

log looks like andrew jackson

Above: Can you tell which of the above is the log and which is President Andrew Jackson? Neither could many Coma residents in the 1830s.

As St. Preaux recounted his discovery in a letter to Coma physician, Adolphus Pratt, in 1844;

“As I stumbled through the wild, my heart suddenly sank to some deep recess of my body.  Who is this I have trespassed upon on this winter’s eve? It is the nation’s savior and president, Andrew Jackson! My heart raced as I drew near! I bowed in his presence and requested counsel with him but for only a moment. I asked him what great storm had altered his course in such a way that he now sat on the forest floor like a vacated elk carcass. It was only after many repeated unanswered questions that I took a closer look and realized it was not, in fact, our great leader, but a log.”

The log was put on display in a small park near the center of town.  Visitors flocked from afar to see for themselves the miraculous log that some Coma residents claimed was an exact replica of the man who saved the nation from peril during a bloody war with the British.

Eventually, the fanfare surrounding the log subsided and many forgot about the precious artifact.

However, in 1881, the log was rediscovered during park renovations. Eventually, the log was abandoned in the forest outside town.

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The Weather Channel TV Show Is Hard to Follow

Aug. 25 Opinion no comments
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Stan Bargmeyer is an intern with Coma News. He is also self appointed historian and comments on popular culture and trends in his opinion column for Coma News.

Stan Bargmeyer

Recently, a Robert Smith-Smith told me about how much he enjoyed watching The Weather Channel because it’s so real to life. Since I only recently got Comcast cable on the TV, I thought I would give the show a chance since I didn’t have anything else to do and ‘How I Met Your Mother’ is no longer on air. I was really confused by the Weather Channel’s format and realized quickly that I was completely lost in all the different story lines.

I was ready to give up on it but then thought that maybe previous seasons were available on DVD (Digital Video Disc). If that was the case, I could catch up by watching the older episodes to better learn about the characters, story arcs, etc.

Boy, was I disappointed. Made me want to go back to only reading things on paper.

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It’s hard to know who the good guys or bad guys are on the weather channel. Who are these characters? Like the ones in the picture? Who are they and how do they relate to the story?

It turns out you can’t find ANY previous season of The Weather Channel on DVD anywhere! Way to go, makers of The Weather Channel. Apparently, the only people that can watch your show are people that have been watching it from day one.

You’d think they would have an episode summary available on the internet but that doesn’t exist either. So I have no way of knowing what happened to Storm Front or Partly Cloudy or Typhoon or any of the other confusing characters on the show.

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So guess who won’t be watching The Weather Channel TV show anymore? That’s right, me, Stan Bargmeyer. Not until they release all of the episodes on Netflix or Amazon or something else.

Stan Bargmeyer is a local historian, Coma News intern and opinion columnist.

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1827 Frontiersman Randy Crockett, DDS, Settles in Coma

Jul. 08 Coma History no comments
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Stan Bargmeyer

Often overshadowed by his older and widely praised brother, Davy, Randy Crockett enjoyed a successful career as both a frontiersman and the nation’s first wilderness dentist. Most Oral Historians agree his impact on the Veterinary dentistry field was substantial.

Randy Crockett DDS 2

Frontiersman, dentist and orthodontist Randy Crockett lived in Coma from 1827 – 1835.

The younger Crockett, who settled in Coma in 1827, built a successful animal dentistry practice and is credited with using his ax to remove plaque and tartar build-up.  Although this technique fell out of favor due to high patient mortality rates, Crockett was viewed by many as a pioneer in pushing the science of Veterinary dentistry forward.

Crockett lived in Coma from 1827 until 1835.  In that time, he performed more than three dozen successful root canals on a range of animals including pigs, donkeys, coyotes and a small family of chipmunks.

Crockett, who struggled to earn money from his dental practice, as most clients were not in a position to afford care, left Coma in 1835 and went on to open a first-of-its-kind drive thru restaurant, which offered salt pork, a variety of root vegetables and maple syrup brought to you while you waited in your Conestoga wagon.

Stan Bargemeyer is a local historian and Coma News Intern

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Opinion: I Went to School with Billy Joel

Apr. 28 Opinion no comments
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Opinion: Went to School with Billy Joel But Not Sure if he is the Famous One

Stan Bargmeyer

I went to high school with a guy named Billy Joel but I’m not certain if he is Billy Joel the famous singer and songwriter. I’ve asked some friends and most of them say it probably isn’t the same Billy Joel who had commercial success in the 1970s and 1980s with hit songs like “The Man Who Plays the Piano” and “Thriller.”

How likely is it that there would be two people with the exact same name?

billy joel hs

Even after looking at my old high school yearbook, I can’t tell if the Billy Joel I went to high school with (left) is the same one who made a lot of successful music (right)

The Billy Joel I knew from high school didn’t graduate. He was into small engine repair and I heard he got a job at a lawnmower repair shop a few years after high school.  He liked to party and had a big Rottweiler dog who once peed on the tire of my car.

Billy Joel just laughed and told me that dogs like to piss on car tires.

I’ve never seen pictures of the famous Billy Joel with a Rottweiler but that doesn’t mean he didn’t own one at one time. I’ve also not seen anything about the singer Billy Joel regarding a passion for re-building small engines and juicing-up lawnmowers. But again, that’s not proof that it’s not the same guy I went to high school with.

The Billy Joel I knew had four or five children with several different women. I also know that when he was 30 he suffered some severe burns on his face after throwing a gas can into a bonfire. Again, when I ask people if they know if the famous Billy Joel had these things happen to him, they will say no or they aren’t sure.  It is frustrating because it makes me feel like there is a chance it is the same Billy Joel.

I don’t remember my Billy Joel singing songs or writing music, but maybe he liked to keep that private and only do it on the radio or in front of thousands of people.

After more than 25 years of research, I don’t know if the Billy Joel I went to high school with is the same one that wrote the song “We Don’t Start Fires.”

I think it’s suspicious that he wrote a song about fire and the Billy Joel I know had most of his face burned off.

Is that just a coincidence?  Or was the song autobiographical?

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

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If You Practice Enough it is Easy to Wear Headphones

Apr. 18 Opinion no comments
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Stan Bargmeyer

It seems like a lot of people wear headphones to listen to music or watch television.  While I was somewhat reluctant to dip my toe into the headphone-wearing lifestyle, I found that with enough practice, wearing headphones isn’t as hard as it looks.

My adventure started a few months ago when I ran into a friend, Bob Smith-Smith, at the Coma diner.  Bob was sitting all by himself listening to music on a little music playing machine.  When I asked him if wearing headphones was hard to do, he laughed and said no,”You just put the contraption over your ears and listen.”

I decided I wanted to get on-board with this new technology so I went to the Coma electronics store on 7th street and bought a pair of headphones.

My first few efforts were disastrous.  There were no instructions or illustrations to show me how to put them on my head.  After an hour of messing around with the device, I gave up.

I tried again, but this time the head phones somehow ended up around my inner thigh which left several bruises near my crotch.

On my third attempt, I nearly choked on one of the headphones.  Fortunately, I did not die, as people sometimes do when putting on headphones.

I was growing more and more frustrated and was ready to give up.

But then I talked to Bob Smith-Smith again and he said, “all you have to do is place the headphones on your head by aligning the round, padded “speakers” to each ear. ” What was even more amazing is that Bob helped me by placing them on my head for me.

If you think you’re ready to give up on the headphone lifestyle, keep trying!  If you’re still having trouble, you could always ask my friend Bob to help you.  I am happy that I kept trying despite all the odds and setbacks.

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

 

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Controversial ‘Talk-Surgery’ Declared a Success

Apr. 14 News no comments
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stan and his dog

By Coma News Staff

The first successful use of “talk-surgery” was recently reported in Coma.

The controversial phone-based eye surgery was a “resounding success” for Freckles, the pet of Stan Bargmeyer, Coma resident and widower. The procedure, which Bargmeyer learned about through an unsolicited email from a Kenyan stranger, cost nearly $6,000. But it was money well spent.

“You can’t put a price tag on something like x-ray vision,” Bargmeyer said.

Dr. Leonard Lee, who performed the procedure, wrote only pets could obtain x-ray vision from it.

“I didn’t even have to leave my house and there was no anesthesia involved,” Bargmeyer said. “I wired Dr. Lee the $6,000 and scheduled the over-the-phone procedure at my convenience.  Simplest thing ever.”

The procedure, which entailed holding the phone to Freckles’ ear and eye, took less than 40 minutes and appeared not to harm him, Bargmeyer said. The patient spent most of the procedure licking his crotch.

“There’s no noticeable difference in his demeanor or behavior but he seems happier,” Bargmeyer said. “How could he not be, with x-ray vision?”

Efforts to contact Lee elicited an aggresive viral spam attack.

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