Tag: Stan Bargmeyer

1889- “Feather War” Devastates Coma

by Coma Historian and Coma News Daily intern Stan Bargmeyer

Otto Lumpkin’s farm was an unlikely setting for one of Coma’s most notorious chapters.  It was there, amidst the fields of cabbage and stew tomatoes, a band of militant and disgruntled Buff Orpington chickens led a hasty and tragic armed revolt against Lumpkin and his family.

The birds fashioned swords out of feathers and surprised Lumpkin at dawn as he was scattering feed to the angry mob. Caught completely off guard by the uprising and fearing for his safety, Lumpkin quickly disarmed the nearly two dozen feather-wielding birds and wrangled them back to their coops.  The entire ordeal lasted nearly four minutes and left a deep scar in the human-chicken community for years.

02 22 2016 chicken

ABOVE: Artist rendering of a chicken clutching an infamous feather sword during the uprising of 1889.

While no serious injuries were reported, Lumpkin noted that several chickens brushed his boots with the feather swords, causing no pain or even slight discomfort.

Local militia were called in following the revolt to help restore order.  Several of the birds were sentenced to death and served with cabbage and stewed tomatoes that evening.  Others were forced to spend the rest of their lives in captivity.

The ordeal was given the name the “Feather War” by a local reporter who covered the incident for the Coma Daily News in 1889.  The tension between humans and chickens continued for several decades, easing slightly during World War I.

Otto Lumpkin is reported to have died in his sleep in 1910 although his death remains controversial to this day as several feathers were found near his bed.  Investigators ruled the death from natural causes by many in the community still believe his chickens played a role in his demise.

Invention of Moustache Handlebars Almost Revolutionizes Transportation

moustache handlebars

 

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern and Historian

Invented in Winston Montgomery’s garage in 1894, the mustache handlebars were an instant success and put Coma on the objects-made-from-human-hair map.

Montgomery, who was fascinated by using human hair to construct everything from fake beards, toupees, lollipops and headstones, believed the mustache handlebar would revolutionize transportation by making bicycles more human-like.

In a 1894 article in The National Bicycle magazine, Montgomery wrote; “I take great pride in constructing the first semi-rigid handlebars made entirely from human mustache hair.  It is my gift to the world.”

Initial sales of the handlebars were promising but quickly dried up after users complained about the flimsy nature of the device and the inability to steer the bike, which resulted in a number of accidents.

Montgomery ceased production of the mustache handlebars in 1896.  The design of the handlebars subsequently inspired a popular facial hair fashion trend.

 

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern and Historian

Figure Eight Donut Platters a Nice Touch When Entertaining Guests

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

Sometimes I think I want to have people over to my house to watch television shows or do other things.  If you’re like me, you probably worry about what sort of special dish you can prepare to help your guests feel like they are your guests and are welcome in your home.

It turns out there are a lot of things you can do to make people feel like you want them inside your home.  I wanted to share with you one of my favorites.  I don’t think it’s too hard because even I was able to figure it out (after a little trial and error, of course).

Figure eight donut platters are a fun and festive way to tell your guests that they are guests in your home and you went out of your way to prepare something special for them to enjoy.

STAN’S FIGURE EIGHT DONUT PLATTER

Prep Time: 25 Minutes

Serves Four

What you’ll need:

two donuts

– Two round donuts (NOT FRITTERS!  This is important to note.  Fritters will not work.  Neither will maple bars)

one plate

– One Plate

What you’ll do:

1. Set your plate on a flat surface inside your home

2. Arrange the donuts on the plate side-by-side

3. Present to your guests and enjoy the figure-eight donut platter

correct figure 8 donuts

incorrect figure 8 donutsFor variety, consider using different types of donuts or serving them on different types of plates. You are only limited by your imagination and the number of plates you have in your home and the different variety of donuts available at local grocers and bakeries.

 

 

Opinion: My Friend Went to South Sudan and Didn’t Get Me a Cool Souvenir

by Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily intern

A friend of mine recently traveled to Juba, South Sudan and he didn’t even bring me back a cool souvenir.  It really bothered me because I thought for sure I would get a cool key chain or a coffee mug with a funny saying on it like “You’re Drinking Java In A Mug From Juba” or something memorable like that.  But he didn’t bring me back anything at all.

When I asked him about it, he said he was too busy working to help build fresh-water wells to provide drinking water to local villages in the area.  He also said it wasn’t “that kind of trip.”

South-Sudan-water-jugs

ABOVE: According to my friend, there is a “shortage” of “clean” drinking water in South Sudan. Apparently there is also a “shortage” of postcards because I didn’t get any.

I have a hard time believing he didn’t have at least ten minutes to pop into an ABC Store or some local souvenir shop that sells cool t-shirts that have pictures of wolves or dolphins on them or maybe a bag of some local nut or fruit covered in chocolate.  What I think really happened was he forgot about me.  He probably bought souvenirs for all his other friends but not me.  And then when he realized he failed to get me something he made up a story about how impoverished the region is and they don’t have souvenir shops and he was only there to work and help people have greater access to clean drinking water.

Right.

ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

People dont’t go to fun, exotic places like Juba, South Sudan and NOT get souvenirs for their closest friends.  Maybe he lost track of his souvenir shopping list in between Mai-Tais or Pina Coladas.  Maybe he spent all his money on a zip-line excursion through the rich, fertile jungles of South Sudan. Whatever his reason, I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me he forgot to get me something.

Like a beach towel featuring images of South Sudan’s most popular tourist attractions or native wildlife.  Or even a baseball cap with a fun saying on it like “Chillin’ Juba Style”.

I don’t think it would have been too much to ask of him to get a small gift or token to show he was thinking of me while enjoying the all-inclusive amenities of what was certainly a top-notch hotel resort.  Maybe he’s not really a friend after all.

1972- Ladybug Fish Discovered in Coma

by Coma Historian and Intern, Stan Bargmeyer

In the fall of 1972, Coma scientist Richard Van Peele announced his discovery of a new type of fish species; the Ladybug Fish (dominaeinsectum piscor). The discovery sent ripples through the marine biology community as the Ladybug Fish proved to be one of the most unique aquatic mammals ever discovered.

Unlike most fish, the Ladybug Fish lives entirely on land and bears a striking resemblance to a Ladybug.  As well, Ladybug Fish do not have gills, are the same size as Ladybugs and look exactly like common Ladybugs in every conceivable manner.  In fact, the Ladybug Fish is the only fish in the world that cannot survive under water.

ladybug fish 5 25 15 large

ABOVE: A sketch of the rare Ladybug Fish discovered by Richard Van Peele.

Van Peele, who studied marine biology in his bedroom while holding down two part-time jobs, was a Coma native who later went on to serve as night-time supervisor at the Zip-In Burger on 8th Street in Coma.  Van Peele died in 1994.

 

How To Anything: Become A Brain Surgeon

Coma News Daily intern Stan Bargemeyer teaches you how-to anything as a service of Coma News Daily.

Surgeons make really good money.  Did you know that everything you need to do to become a professional surgeon can be done at home? Follow the simple steps below to launch you career as a successful brain surgeon.

1. Assemble the following items; A stethoscope and books.

surgeon 1

2. Read a bunch of books about surgery and the human brain and stuff like that.  A lot of these books can probably be found at the library or something.

surgeon 2

3. That’s pretty much it! Put on your stethoscope and you’re ready to operate on someone’s brain.

How To Anything: Be Boba Fett

Coma News Daily intern Stan Bargemeyer teaches you how-to anything as a service of Coma News Daily.

A 1998 University of New Mexico study found that the most respected and feared person in the history of the Earth is Boba Fett, the fun-loving bounty hunter from the popular Star Wars films. You can harness the power of Boba Fett by actually becoming Boba Fett.  Follow the simple steps below:

1. You will need a copy of Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back, an authentic Boba Fett helmet, a jet pack and racing gloves (optional).

boba 1

2. Watch the film Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back numerous times.  Study Boba’s movements, speech, comedic timing and his general attitude.  You will want to duplicate this as much as possible.

boba 2

3. When you’re ready, start wearing the Boba Fett helmet around town or at work.  For added effect, consider including the jet pack and reacing gloves.  For an even more dramatic effect, consider carrying around a lightsaber.  You’re only limited by your imagination.

Boba 3

 

 

 

1921- Cursed Nursing Home Closes Its Doors

By Coma News Intern and Historian Stan Bargmeyer

The O’Brien Family Nursing Home and Community Center closed its doors in February, 1921 amid growing fears by citizens the retirement home was cursed by evil entities of darkness and death.

nursing home

Rumors about a curse on the facility began following the mysterious and tragic deaths of eight residents within the first three years of operation.

-Jacklyn Severs- Died mysteriously in her sleep at the age of 87.

-Peter Montigue- Died mysteriously in his sleep at the age of 94.

-Richard “Hootie” Davis- Died mysteriously during a nap at the age of 89.

-Clayton Horncraft- Died mysteriously after falling down a flight of stairs at the age of 97.

-Henry R. Prather III- Died mysteriously after choking on a hot dog at the age of 85.

-Bertha Dimwiddle- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 92.

-Mary “Slutty Mary” Dupree- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 101.

-Amos Rivers- Died mysteriously after escaping the nursing home and being run over by a truck at the age of 90.

Concerned about the baffling and unexplained tragedies, Geoffrey O’Brien invited a priest and paranormal expert from the local Coma Catholic church to investigate further. The investigator, Fr. Seamus O’Donnelly, determined the facility was cursed by what was likely a “Demonic Peruvian Deity” that could not be removed by dousing it with a holy water and seltzer concoction since it was the facility that was cursed and not a human being.

Astonishingly, over the next 90 years, everyone who was involved with the operation of the nursing home or the investigation died.