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comments feedSerious–Part 7: Conspiracy Much
The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former Coma News Daily editor, Don Johnson Michaels.
Serious has passed the halfway point in its one-year investigation and we’re no closer to finding our lost former colleague. Instead of growing despondent, giving up, and moving on with our lives, we’re going to do what all great journalists do in such circumstances: Turn to conspiracy theories.
Our town is awash in folks with vaguely plausible ideas about the location of Don Johnson Michaels (most involve the Coma Landfill) and the causes behind his disappearance (a WhipIts addiction and running from oppressors/ghosts among the most popular).
Serious did the only responsible thing and publicly aired the conspiracies that most closely echoed our own biases.
Joining us today to talk about their conspiracy theories are Stan Bargmeyer, an elderly intern, and Stoner Steve, a local drug addict.
Serious: Welcome gentlemen. Let’s start with you, Stoner Steve.
Stoner Steve: It’s pretty simple. The editor-guy found something he shouldn’t have.
S: Well, Michaels was an editor so that seems vaguely plausible–
SS: –He found out about the buzzards; that they’re coming for our kids.
S: And I spoke too soon. Why are they coming for the kids and do you actually have kids?
SS: No, I don’t have my own, personal kids but I have communal ownership of kids in this town and everyone knows they’re chock full of nutrients–
Bargemeyer: –Lies!
S: You have some insight to add here, Stan?
B: This crap about delicious children is a bunch of obvious lies designed to distract us from the real reason that worthless sack boy took off:
S: Which was?
B: He was skipping on his commitment to shovel snow from not just my driveway but also the driveways of half the other senior citizens in this town.
S: It’s true, when he wasn’t passed out in a ditch somewhere, Michaels was known for his generous spirit.
Maybe you could just pay a local kid to do it?
B: Pay someone to do my snow shoveling? You think I’m made of money?
S: Well no but–
B: I blame that temptress of a horse for luring him away.
S: Wait, so now you’re implying Michaels and the horse–
SS: And a baby!
S: Ok, I think we’re going to go ahead and cut it off there before I get sick. Thank you both for your, um, ideas.
Next time on Serious: Everyone’s got an idea they’re sure will make them rich and Michaels was no different. We’ll sit down with a local entrepreneur to learn about the somewhat disturbing innovation Michaels was concocting–spoiler, it was not a baby-making machine–at the time of his disappearance.
What is Solitude?: An LOL Mystery
The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.
By Marybell Davis, 27 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome Things and Coma’s own Private Dick (gross)
Daddy Warbucks: Marybell why don’t you turn off your phone, go out and at least think about what kind of job you could get?
Marybell: Not now Daddy I need to tweet out my new hairstyle and ask all my social media friends, who I’ve never met, what they think about it.
Seriously? Think about something? Alone?
Solitude is a mystery. Mainly because why would anyone want it. Just like in the olden days before microwaves (gross) where people had to cook things for hours, there’s no longer any need to ever be by yourself. Technology has given us access to constant unknown friends at our fingertips to tell us whether that feeling we have makes sense, or even better, what feeling or opinion we should have.
I recently took a survey on Facebook on the best name for me. It turns out that based on my friends and my love of clothes I should be Erica and not Marybell. If I had solitude and no access to a survey that I could take and share with my friends on Facebook (all of them agreed I should be Erica) then how would I know that I have the wrong name?
There are people who like solitude. Some people may have heard of Bob Dylan or Thomas Jefferson and apparently they did some big things without access to Twitter and Vine’s of a cute dog or a Snapchat that make fun of a politician’s hair. It’s true that they’re so old that they’re from the time before microwaves.
I remember when I saw the old women who hang out with their screaming children at the Blair Witch Walking Park here in town, which should be renamed the Blair Witch Screaming Park, and they remember what it was like before microwaves and the internet. I remember hearing one asking the other “Do you remember just silence?” While her kids ran screaming around her.
And the one was like “yeah,” like it was a wish.
But they are fat and gross.
So if that’s what solitude looks like then this girls’ gonna keep on sending out hot selfies on the internet to strangers.
The mystery is that people don’t need solitude to create or think about things for themselves. All they need is a collective of people they don’t know telling them exactly what is good and what isn’t.
And that’s the mystery of solitude. From now on you can call me Erica Davis.
Speed Bumps Actually Escaped Gators, Bicyclists Chewed
Local businessmen thought a free range alligator farm/petting zoo would be a fun new attraction for our town.
Tell that to the street cyclists.
Fifteen adult cyclists were injured Thursday when some of gators escaped from the recently opened gator farm adjacent to Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men, A Home for Those Guys.
The escape of at least 10 gators from A Home for Those Gators was not discovered until some of the cold blooded behemoths laid out to sun bath on adjacent streets and were struck by some of the swarms of street bicyclists that regularly descend on our town.
“I think they thought the gators were speed humps because they would slow down and try to ride over them slowly,” said Chase Donovan, a local teenager and witness.
When the gators were run over They would thrash around and knock the riders off their bikes.
“It was kind of awesome,” Donovan said.
Once on the ground the Lycra-clad cyclists suffered numerous bites, claw stratches and lacerations from tails. Unfortunately, no nearby bodies of water were available for the predators to drag and drown the cyclists.
Cory Lieberman, whose $2,200 Ridley Fenix Ultegra Carbon Road Bike was pulled apart by dueling gators, was indignant.
“Gators?! What’s wrong with you people in this town?” Lieberman.
Not to worry, according to Jax Owen, who manages the gator farm. The most violent gators among the recaptured reptiles would be prioritized for the farm’s first belt and gatorburger culling.
“Everyone knows a mean gator is a delicious gator,” Owen said.
Gator Petting Zoo Opens in Town
Children all over Coma are welcome to come and experience a day full of music and nature at the grand opening of the town’s first reptile petting zoo, A Home for Those Gators.
Started by residents of Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men, A Home for Those Guys, the reptile park will introduce the reptiles to children interested in learning how they play and feed.
The petting zoo also is a working farm, from which Coma residents will be able to obtain all of the locally sourced belts and boots they could ever want.
Saturday’s opening event will allow local children to pet, feed and hold some of the majestic creatures, which can reach 14 feet in length and weigh up to 900 pounds.
The opening day festivities also will feature a mini jam session by Save the World, the classic rock cover band comprised of Coma Town Council members.
“What I hope the kids get that our music is a universal language and so is the love of alligators,” said
Jax Owen, director of the gator park and lead guitar for Save the World. “Running through the gator fields is so much fun for kids of all ages.”
Organizers underscored the health benefits of visitors wandering among glorious animals while also dodging and weaving snapping teeth and whipping tails.
“We’re all about cage-free animals here,” said Alan Pezzati, a Home resident and a volunteer gator wrangler. “This way, the animals are happy, visitors get a great workout running across the gator pasture, and the gatorburgers are extra tender.”
Find gators boring? You’ll also find a wide selection of poisonous snakes, lizards and snapping turtles.
Entrance to the petting zoo itself is free; however, there is a cost if visitors want to feed the animals.
