What’s Happening in Coma? Some Classified Ads

The following are selections from this week’s Coma News Daily classified ads.
Offer: Free to good home

I have a young pet scorpion I just purchased a couple of weeks ago because my pet spider died. I thought I would try something different after having had a spider for many years. I now have changed my mind and would like to get a new spider, but first I have to find a new home for the scorpion. He is FREE of charge to a good home, however, you only get the scorpion and a little clear travel bucket to transport him in. You must have an existing habitat but you do not need to keep calling him Poncho. However, if you do rename him I ask that you give him a male name so as not to confuse him. I should also note that I know nothing about scorpion biology. Poncho may be female and pregnant so consider this fair warning. Call or email if interested. Thanks!

scorpion

Offer: Drugs
Offering one box of unopened suppositories, if anyone needs them. If you don’t know what a suppository is, please look it up.

Anusol-Suppositories-12-pack_5

Offer: hats
Five pink 1st birthday princess party hats. If you can’t use them just take them anyway. I don’t want to be the one to throw them away.

Artifacts Tastes Like Chicken

COMA Tastes Like Chicken 07 18 16

Opinion: If You Can Avoid Eating Bones, Fried Chicken is Pretty Tasty

Stan Bargmeyer's recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box

 

By Stan Bargmeyer, life-long Coma resident and Coma News Intern

Fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.

I just try my best to eat around the bones. If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.

I avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.

It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die. It was my fear of dying and dislike for the taste of bones that made me give up fried chicken, entirely.

Recently, my friends encouraged me to give fried chicken another chance and they went to great lengths to explain that the bones were not, in fact, edible. With great reservations, I gave chicken another chance and had encouraging results.

It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone. But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent, as far as food goes.

My recent success with fried chicken has inspired me to reconsider other foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat. But now I think I want to try those things. Like pancakes.

 

Artifacts Cow Express

COMA Cow Express 07 18 16

Artifacts Slurpee Letter

COMA Slurpee Letter 07 18 16

Artifacts Bad Haircut

COMA Bad Haircut 04 25 16

Podcast: If I Had A Hammer

If it’s July in Coma that must mean it’s 90 degrees –even underwater with your eyes burning from chlorine, at that the Coma municipal pool. And that pool deck is hot enough to fry some toe nuggets on.

This is Coma News Daily.
The complete internet news source portal for the Town of Coma.
This episode of Coma News Daily is brought to you by Kale flavored liquid ham. It’s the kale flavor that makes it so delicious.

This week we just keep  ‘Getting Serious’ and broadcast from a horse barn rather than a bar.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it. With news from T.S. John who can no longer prebreak news since he gave up his peyote habit and a news update on the Coma Town Council’s plan to Save the World with their tunes.

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Living: He’s with Me and Two Kids in the Bed

On the Fourth of July in an open field in Coma we celebrated the birthday of America. This was the first celebration for me in the bed of a Dodge 1500.
Like every experience in life, it was who I did it with that mattered: my friend Robert McGuiness and my two boys (eating too much cotton candy).

Last year we actually went in to Fireman’s Field where they show the fireworks but after taking four hours to leave because every car in town was packed in to a place with only two exits we decided to park in a field near the fireworks and watch. There were other people in trucks there, too. One engineering guy brought an entire sound system which seems like overkill in the year of the iphone and ihome.

He was playing some bluegrass music really loud and I thought of Michael and how after he died I thought I would never want to watch firework or other fun things. I thought if I lost him everything would lose its sweetness and hope would dry up.

Fireworks Sellers

I look at Robert and he tells me “Stop talking so we can listen to the music.”

The boys are stuffing in the cotton candy and playing legos. They are quiet because we went to a park earlier and ran some spazz out.

A guy walks up wearing a shirt with and American flag on it and says, “You guys want to come sit with us?” Robert shakes his head no and for a minute I think, “If Micheal was still here he’d say ‘yes’ and jump over and have a beer with them and warble the national anthem at the top of his lungs.’

And then I realize Michael is not here, that things change, that we move on.

the-unexpressd
In the silence before the fireworks I realize–

“Mommy, Mommy!” Johnny screams from the back of the truck bed.

I turn to see that his little brother has thrown up all over the bed of the truck. I look over at Robert and he smiles. He reaches down and squeezes my hand.

As I clean up Jimmy, I hear the guy with the beer gut and the long hair singing. He sings about America. He sings about failure and heartbreak and forgiveness. He sings a song about who we are and what we can be. He sings a song of promise. He is a terrible singer and he sings off key. He doesn’t sing about the barriers to who we are but rather all the things we have in common.

And just as I finish cleaning up Billy, the fireworks begin. Red, white and blue light the sky.

In the middle of the explosions, little Johnny starts singing, “My country twist of thee, sweet lands of liver-ty, of thee I sing…”