Coma’s courthouse will soon fill with the smokey sounds of justice when a new sponsor takes over.
A music smoke shop, called Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, will open in the Coma courthouse later this month.
The store’s owner and purveyor of fine vape products, Alan Pezzati, previously played lead cymbals in the punk band Naked Vape Gun. Pezzati moved to Coma from Chicago a couple weeks ago after deciding the town “deserves to be a better place”.
Pezzati plans to restore judicial operations at the courthouse, which were suspended last year amid a budget crunch.
“If corporate sponsorship is good enough for the town’s motor vehicle department/liquor store then it’s good enough for law and order,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “Plus, this guy’s albums are groovy-dope.”
The self-appointed Judge Pezzati plans for his court to deliver an extra large helping of hard justice.
“Years of experience weighing the relative worthiness of people in our culture has prepared me for this role better than any law school ever could,” said Pezzati, who plans to fund the court’s ongoing operations through proceeds from the vape and vinyl shop.
The first priority for the smoke-filled chamber of justice will be to eliminate the town’s backlog of pending cases.
“Speed is the essential element in both criminal justice and in judging people’s taste in music or preferred vape flavors,” Pezzati said. “The other key element of justice is snark. There’s going to be snap flowing from this bench.
Defendants can expect traffic citation rulings to be accompanied by extended lectures from the bench on future trends in vape juice mixing and the primacy of straight-to-wax late 80s Brazilian compilations.
“Plus, if you’re stupid you can expect to face either immediate ejection or incarceration,” he said.
The move to juristic jams left some town residents in a haze.
“There’s nothing great about music in a courthouse,” Jax Owen, a Coma Town Council member said when told about the deal. “Amazing music is what happens when you bring together smoke machines, loud karaoke and some drunk hot chicks.”
Coma’s leading employer also wondered how sustainable the business model was.
“The numbers don’t work unless you just changed the civil fines to whatever was needed to cover your overhead since none of these idiots are good enough to purchase your stuff.” said Owen. “But you’d have to have some monster arrogance to pull that off.”
Most people in Coma are excited about the opening of the store but are upset about the idea that traffic court will be in session once again. “If I got a traffic ticket two years ago but it was never enforced because the court was shut down am I going to have to pay a fine or something?” said Chase Donovan, Coma teenager. “Also, isn’t vinyl that stuff they put in cars and feels real sticky? So not sure what this place is selling.”
Some townspeople are excited about everything, “Does making a purchase keep me from going to jail?” asked Stoner Steve. “If elegance, smoking and music had a threesome and made a baby the Vape and Vinyl would be that baby.”