By Coma News Daily Staff

Each year, hundreds of young adults in Coma enter the fall without the basic food, smart phones and gaming supplies they need.

Several churches in town have banded together to change that. Operation Awesome Basement aims to provide hundreds of care packages, including gaming supplies and new smart phones to at-risk 20 to 35-year olds living with their parents in Coma.

“Together, we are helping these able-bodied-but-currently-unemployed adults learn and thrive at home and online, while building a bright future,” said Fr. Judas O’Connell.

O’Connell’s parish, St. Mary’s, is one of 10 Coma churches hoping to ease the angst and uncertainty that comes from living rent-free for a decade or more. The churches are collecting new or gently used gaming consoles and smart phones throughout August.

Why is Operation Awesome Basement needed?

Since these people have never held full-time employment, they’re still operating on a school-year calendar and that means autumn is a time of stress and change, organizers note.

“These gamers are going online against college students starting the school year with brand new video game systems–do you have any idea how that disadvantages my little boy?” said Bob Smith-Smith, whose 32-year-old son is a beneficiary of the charity drive.

Dave Anderson hailed the program for helping to keep his 25-year-old daughter from having to post mirror selfies from a 2015 phone.

“If she doesn’t upgrade her phone every couple months then her Instagram followers can get downright mean,” Anderson said.

Anderson’s daughter was unavailable to comment since she was still sleeping.

Stan Bargmeyer, a local elderly person, couldn’t afford a new phone donation so he donated a card for a one-month paid subscription to Xbox Live.

“I may be eating cat food this month but it’s worth it just to see their smiling self-pictures on the computer I use at the library,” Bargmeyer said.

Here are five simple ways you can help the neediest in Coma:

DONATE online. It’s fast and easy to do–so do it!

START SHOPPING and fill a backpack with ramen, GMO-free organic sustainable snack packs, gaming supplies, gaming consoles and phones.
Then drop it off at a local church.

COLLECT by organizing your own internal collection drive at your work, school, church, or club.

VOLUNTEER to help Operation Awesome Basement with marketing, data base tasks, sorting, item pick-ups, calls, etc.

ENGAGE your employer to provide in-kind items such as ironic t-shirts or Star Wars posters or provide specific supplies in bulk such as flash drives, selfie sticks or Vaseline.

Young adults who live in basements face many challenges and tremendous stigmatization – as a result, less than 25% end up finding the dream job that will pay them what they’re worth, organizers note.

Preparing these post-children for the fall with a new backpack filled with essential life supplies boosts their self-esteem and gives them the tools and confidence needed to thrive.

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By Coma News Daily

Coma residents’ hearts were warmed this Christmas season when a welcoming sign for all residents appeared along the roadside of the town’s main thoroughfare.

“You Belong in Here. All Ladies Welcome”

The sign and its creator, Jax Owen, went viral, with more than 10 “likes” on the town’s Facebook page.

Since the election of the town’s first animal representative, Master Splinter—a rat—Owen has been looking for a way to show some compassion and unity with his neighbors.

“I have seen a lot of malaise and loss since election day,” Owen posted on Facebook in a response to the photo going viral. “What to do? With myself? With my time? To make things better, or even just to slog through?”

But Owen didn’t just slog through. On a Friday afternoon last week he decided to make a sign, drive to the curbside of his home, A Home for Those Guys, which is an assisted living community for divorced men, and stand on the public sidewalk.

He turned his sign towards the adjacent Curves gym.

“This was about binding up the wounded,” Owen said. “About showing compassion and empathy for the hurting and fearful among us.”

Dr. Jimmy, another resident of the divorced men’s assisted living facility, said his neighbor was fully committed to sending a strong message of support for those that are feeling vulnerable following a contentious Town Council election.

“He wanted to pass a message to a group he felt was targeted,” Dr. Jimmy said.

Owen’s efforts seemed to be bearing fruit.

“Yeah, I guess it’s an OK sign but you couldn’t pay me enough to go into the ‘facility,’” said Marlee Baumgartner, a local woman. “Not again. Not ever again. Have you seen the pool there?”

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By Coma News Daily Staff

The outcome of the recent election took a decidedly dark turn Wednesday when Coma’s Sweaty Muffin Bakery announced it would no longer be open for breakfast.

“We’ve got a rat in office–that my neighbors voted for–and now they’re taking away my morning coffee?” said Natalie Peters. “Someone’s getting burned in effigy over this!”

Peters was referring to Master Splinter, a rodent, who was elected animal representative this week in the Coma Town Council election. Master Splinter defeated both a wolverine, named Buttercup, and a human, Bob Smith-Smith.

Residents gathered Thursday morning for a rally across from the bakery, where each took a turn at the microphone to say how the bakery hour changes–and the election–had personally injured them.

“This bakery has failed to stop either the rat or our morning exhaustion,” Marley Bumgartener screamed into a microphone. “We need a new morning caffeine purveyor for the 99%!”

Scattered rioting also was reported as a result of the bakery ending breakfast service.

“People need to get ahold of themselves and maybe switch to decaf,” said Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.

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By Coma News Daily Staff

Some of Coma’s most important, influential and interesting historical drunkards will step out from behind tombstones at Coma Cemetery to share their recollections Saturday.

The annual “Strolling with the Boozehounds ,” presented by the Coma Futurist Society, has become a family-friendly Autumn tradition and living history event. It is a unique walking tour that allows participants to step into the past and hear stories about the many, many alcoholics and booze-fueled events that helped shape the community.

An experienced re-enactor, Micah Horncraft will reprise his role as William Wang, an early industrialist who was co-inventor of the meat juicer and designed and manufactured the tractor known as the “donkeymobile.”

Horncraft has done extensive research on Wang to bring him to life. “Just saying someone was born on this date, married on this date, died of liver failure on this date … if you find something booze-related in the middle — drunken brawls and embarrassing life choices, it makes them more human, and that disdain is what connects with people now,” he says.

In addition to helping turn Coma into a donkey manufacturing center, Wang also had the first tandem bicycle dealership in town. He bought a railroad car full of tandem bikes and sold them to the Coma Sheriff.

“The only other person drunk enough to think tandem bikes were a good idea was ol’ Sheriff Jebediah Fudge,” Horn craft said.

A sometime performer for Coma’s local theater troupe, the Backdoor Players, Horncraft is looking forward to a chance to stretch his acting muscles.

“When you’re doing a fictional character on stage, you only can be as wild and exaggerated as the director will let you be, but when you’re portraying a real boozehound, you can do whatever,”  says Horncraft, who plans to perform pants-less.

The luminaries will illuminate the setting a little, but participants are advised to bring flashlights for the night tour, as well as comfortable walking shoes, sweaters and headgear–because these tombstones don’t care how drunk you are.

“Everything is a little spookier when you’re dealing with drunken ghosts,” Horncraft said. “Plus, you’re in a cemetery where some of these people are buried, and they’re stepping out and slurring something incomprehensible at you. It’s spine tingling.”

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Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 7 with Special Guest Boba Fett

Last Week- 1 – 3

Season- 9 – 11

Greetings.  I’m Boba Fett.  You may know me best from my appearance in several extremely popular Star Wars motion pictures.  I’m filling in for my close friend and employer, Jabba The Hutt this week.  While I would not consider myself an “expert” in terms of American Football, I’ve handled a fair share of swine-flesh covered balls before.  But in all seriousness, I’m just as comfortable kicking back, watching a game while enjoying sweetened beets and Port syrup as I am studying the etymology of sugar bats in the South Pacific while enjoying a nice meal of candied saffron over molten porridge.

For those of you who haven’t heard, Jabba was injured this week after an unfortunate incident at a Buffalo Wild Wings.  He asked me not to share details about the mishap, but let’s just say Buffalo Wild Wings needs to tighten the access one has to their deep fryers.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles

The team from the state of Minnesota appears better than the team from the other town.  I will select the team from Minnesota to win this ball game.

Minnesota 20 Philadelphia 12

New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers

The team from New England is traveling to the other team.  I have always loved to travel and believe it would an advantage to the team that is doing so.  Taking in the many wonderful, magical sights and sounds of a new environment is not only refreshing, it can be energizing as well.  I will select the team from the state of New England to win this contest.

NEW ENGLAND  31 PITTSBURGH 16

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs

I prefer the team that is called the Chiefs in this match-up.  By all accounts, they are a group of wise leaders.  It would be difficult to pick against them.  Therefore, I will go with the collection of tribal leaders.

KANSAS CITY 33 NEW ORLEANS 31

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

I like the American football team called the Arizona Cardinals in this match.  I know very little about them, personally, but I get the sense they have a bit of moxie an sticktoitiveness.  A tip of the cap to those boys.

ARIZONA 24 SEATTLE 20

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