Category: News

Coma Weekly Police Blotter: Abbreviated for Easy Reading on the Internet

Coma weekly police blotter:

Monday: CATS Attack:  Man in a car with California License plates was detained after running his car into the local community theater during a rousing version of the Broadway Show CATS. After running his car through the plate glass he jumped out and was naked. He cried the word “FREEDOM” and ran up and french kissed one of the actors in the show whose name has been redacted for privacy issues. The Man was detained by Deputy Paul and will be arraigned once his pants are found and his name is ascertained. The CATS refused to press charges for artistic reasons and left the area.

Tuesday: Trespassing Deputy Paul responded to a report of a man stopping at mailboxes and found out that it was in fact Steve Simmons, Coma Postmaster, who was still walking his route even though Coma’s ban on paper has left him without a job.

Wednesday: Dog Attack – Deputy Paul responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking squirrels at about 4:20 Wednesday afternoon. Deputy Paul cited Coma resident Dr. Jimmy for the incident. The squirrels refused medical treatment and left the area according to police reports.

Computer Theft; A resident of Coma called 911 to report a computer theft. The woman claimed to the police deputy that all of the hardware in her computer had been taken and replaced with non working parts. There are no leads at this time.

Coma Futurist Society Created

futurist society floating cloud city

According to Horncraft, future cities may be perched upon clouds as depicted in this hand-drawn illustration

Citing a general apathy regarding “olden days” and an “insatiable thirst” for the future, Coma town historian Micah Horncraft resigned from his post as the curator of the Coma Historical Society on Wednesday and immediately accepted a similar position at the new Coma Futurist Society.

“The future is full of wonderment and uncertainty,” Horncraft said in a prepared speech to the city council.  “Did you ever stop and think what buttons might look like in ten or twenty or even a thousand years?  They might not resemble in any way what we’ve come to expect from a button.  This is the type of thing that gets people excited.”

Horncraft said the decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future.

“My decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft shared several exhibits that will be part of the Society’s grand opening next month including what appeared to be hand-drawn illustrations of futuristic concepts.

futurists society coffee cup on wheels

“Imagine a robot coffee cup,” Horncraft told the city council.  “It can move around on your table using a remote control.  Isn’t that amazing?  We are going to be sharing cutting-edge technology with citizens of Coma everyday.”

futurists society moustache style ideas

Horncraft said the “Moustache of the Future” will be part of an upcoming exhibit

The Coma Futurist Society is set to open next month.  According to Horncraft, there will be a variety of original, hand-drawn illustrations and diagrams depicting a “fantastic, futuristic world of possibilities,” as well as a magic exhibition and a collection of vintage TV Guides on display.

Coma Launches First Official Website- Non-Telegraph Version

first story

Above; a photo of the first story to appear on the new Coma website (non-telegraph form)

By Coma News Staff

On the heels of the recently announced ban on all paper products, the Coma Daily News has launched the town’s first public website on the computer.   This article you are now reading is the first news story published on the website.  Technically, it is the third story published on the new website.  The first story was very similar to this story only it was written in what is apparently an unacceptable telegraph-style.  The second story was a story about how apparently telegraph-style is unacceptable on computers.

As has been the tradition of the Coma Daily News for more than a century, we hope to continue to bring you all the news and information about our beloved town in a timely manner on the computer.

Apparently Telegraph Format Unnecessary On Today’s Internet

old man confused

Stan Bargmeyer reflects on the sudden decline of telegraph format in modern media.

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

Coma News staff has learned the telegraph format, popularized in the 19th century, is apparently not the preferred format for online communication on computers.  Furthermore, it would appear there are very few rules in regards to style, format and even punctuation on the internet.  By all accounts, it’s an “anything goes” buffet of excessive exclamation points, multiple question marks to end sentences and random abbreviations.

This news is startling, however there is no indication yet that the internet poses a health risk to citizens.  Coma News has contacted Coma physician Dr. Jimmy about risks of using computers online.

“I am not aware of any violent deaths associated with the internet.” said, Dr. Jimmy.


Town of Coma has Website STOP Paper Ban in Effect STOP

Coma Scroll computer screen

Cheryl Mapplethorpe touches a computer screen as she explores the new Coma News computer website on the internet.

By Robert McGuiness, Reporter Coma News, Not an Alcoholic

Town of Coma News launches website on the world wide websites STOP  Follows recent ban on paper products STOP All news to be broadcast over internet STOP Citizens in state of confusion STOP Mayor Dave Anderson to make public address STOP  Encourages citizens to embrace change and look to future STOP

Little is known about safety of internet STOP Be diligent STOP Lock doors STOP Please read this STOP
If you have news to share with citizens COMMA send electronic mail with details STOP  Interested in wide range of news COMMA but particularly interested in learning how recent bans affect citizens STOP Is it affect or effect QUESTION MARK That one always gets this reporter STOP Maybe either is correct STOP  Someone might need to go back to grammar school STOP Just kidding STOP But seriously COMMA not sure what is correct STOP