Category: News

Local Man Not Sure Being Impaled by Shovel Qualifies for Doctor Visit

Feb. 01 News no comments
Fb-Button

by Coma News Staff

A local man who was impaled by a shovel told neighbors and friends he was holding off on seeking medical attention because he wasn’t certain the injury was “bad enough” to see a doctor.

The accident occurred on Saturday afternoon as Stan Bargmeyer was “rummaging” through his garage. Bargmeyer said he’s not sure how the accident happened. The widower was looking through an old box of model railroad train cars and next thing he knew, a shovel handle was protruding through his chest.

“It’s just one of those freak accidents that happen,” Bargmeyer said. “I just kind of shook my head, thought ‘not again’ and then passed out for an unknown length of time.”

stan impaled 2

ABOVE: Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer was impaled by a shovel last Saturday but is not sure the injury is significant enough to seek medical attention

Bargmeyer was found by neighbors late Saturday afternoon. Upon regaining consciousness, Bargmeyer refused to call 911 and told friends the injury “wasn’t too bad as far as impalings go.”

“I just never know when you’re supposed to go see a doctor,” Bargmeyer said. “I’m definitely in discomfort but…I can still prepare food and use the toilet. So, what constitutes a trip to a doctor?”

According to town physician, Dr. Jimmy, anyone suffering from an impaling should seek immediate medical attention, particularly when the object is as large as a shovel.

“People underestimate impalings,” Dr. Jimmy said. “But they can be very serious injuries. I would rank them right behind being submerged in a corrosive substance and right ahead of being attacked by medium-sized mammals. So, pretty serious stuff.”

Bargmeyer said he was impaled previously nearly 20 years ago by a pike while visiting a early middle-age military museum.

“That one was weird because they were talking about how pikes were used to impale enemy soldiers and not ten minutes later, I found myself on the business-end of one,” Bargmeyer said. “But they took me directly to the hospital, which was nice, because it eliminated the guess work on my part.”

Bargmeyer noted that the bleeding had mostly stopped and while it has limited his ability to shower or lay down in bed, he has been able to manage in most aspects of his daily routine.

“I’m getting by,” Bargmeyer said. “It would just be nice to know, without a doubt, if I should seek medical attention on this one.”

 

 

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

Mayor “Tired” of ‘Monkey Puncher’ Reputation

Jan. 31 News no comments
Fb-Button

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson confided to reporters this week that he has grown weary of his reputation as the “Monkey Puncher” following an unfortunate incident he was involved in nearly 12 years ago.

Anderson, often speaking in hushed tones, said he feared he would “never live down” a nickname and reputation born on what he called a “disastrous” day more than a decade ago.

“I mean, apparently, you punch a monkey in the face one time and…you know…you get a reputation as a guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face,” Anderson said.

It was a rare moment for the mayor, who has been described in the past as guarded, aloof and even apathetic. Anderson shared details of the “disastrous” day for the first time publicly.

mayor and monkey

ABOVE: Anderson (left) recounted the story of how he punched a monkey, similar to the one in the photo above (right), to earn the nickname “Monkey Puncher”

According to Anderson, he and some friends had just finished having lunch at Mike’s Pig Meat Restaurant when the restaurant’s owner, Mike Holliman, invited Anderson and his party out back to see a pet monkey one of Holliman’s friends brought with him.

“We were just looking at this monkey and it was kind of just bouncing around a little bit,” Anderson said. “And then it looked at me and spit in my face.”

Anderson said his friends laughed at the incident. At first, Anderson thought that while it was incredibly rude, it was a “little funny.”

But Anderson said things took a turn for the worst when the monkey began to mock him incessantly. At one point, the monkey pointed to Anderson, then plugged its nose and made a “stinky face”. Next, the monkey pointed to its buttocks, then to Anderson and then plugged its nose again.

“I’ve never been a big bathroom humor guy,” Anderson said. “So, strike one, monkey. I mean, first of all I didn’t smell like his butt. I’m sure of that. It’s just not very original.”

According to Anderson, the monkey continued to mock him. At one point, the monkey pointed at Anderson and then began to walk around, pushing its belly forward and kind of stumbling as it ambled down the sidewalk before pointing again at Anderson to suggest the Mayor was overweight and walked in an unusual manner.

“That was it for me,” Anderson said. “Everyone was laughing like it was real funny but it was derivative at best and completely inaccurate.”

Anderson said he punched the monkey square in the mouth, bloodying the animal’s lip and making its eyes water. The animal scurried quickly to its owner and hid behind his leg, trembling in fear.

“And somehow, I became the bad guy,” Anderson told reporters. “I get humiliated in front of my friends, try to defend my honor and at the end of the day, I’m the bad guy. Explain that to me. Please! Because I still don’t understand it.”

Soon after the incident, Anderson began hearing references to himself as the “monkey puncher.” It is a nickname that has stuck with him through more than three terms in office.

“Maybe one day people will forget that I punched a monkey in the face and knocked out two of its teeth,” Anderson said. “But people just love to focus on negative things.”

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

Bigfoot Seen “Poking Around” Cereal Aisle at Local Grocer

Jan. 24 News no comments
Fb-Button

by Coma News Staff

Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.

According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”

The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.

“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”

bf1

ABOVE: Artist sketch of what witnesses say was a large ape-like creature loitering in the cereal section of a local grocery store this week

According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.

“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”

Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.

“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”

Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.

“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”

The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

Local Teen Launches New Smart Phone App

Jan. 18 News no comments
Fb-Button

by Coma News Staff

Coma teen and entrepreneur Chase Donovan launched his latest entry into the world of hi-tech services and solutions this week. Titled “Yeah, That’ll Fit”, Donovan’s latest venture helps people determine if the box they want to use to store stuff in will fit the items they wish to store.

Available from the app store for both Android and iOS devices, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” allows users to take a photo of a box and a photo of the items they are hoping to fit inside the box and upload them through the app. The photos are then reviewed and the app will inform the user whether those items are likely to fit inside the box.

thatll-fit

“We’re taking the guess work out of fitting crap inside boxes,” Donovan said about his new app. “I’m hoping this app does for packing what Uber did for taxi cabs and stuff.”

While Donovan admitted there are still some bugs that need to be worked out, the application does work as intended. In some instances, the app requests additional detail such as the dimensions of the box and the total volume of the items a user is hoping to place inside it.

“It’s all a math game, bruh,” Donovan said. “It’s some simple calculations. But sometimes…man…people just have a terrible sense of spatial reasoning.”

The app already has one successful and prominent user; Mayor Dave Anderson. Anderson remarked at a recent press conference that he has used the app several times and found it to be “kind of helpful.”

“It was a little awkward at first,” Anderson admitted. “After answering a bunch of questions, the app finally suggested I just try putting everything in the box and if it fit, then I’d know the answer.”

that-will-fit-tutorial

ABOVE: A helpful tutorial walks users through the three simple steps

Donovan said he is trying “to take shit over” and plans on additional app releases in 2017.

“We’re just getting started, so…we gonna blow up,” Donovan said. “We’re going to do this bigger than Google or Amazon.”

As of this writing, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” had more than 20 downloads on the iTunes app store. The app sells for $6.99.

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

Mayor Opens New Star Wars-Themed Playground in Coma

Jan. 05 News no comments
Fb-Button

By Coma News Daily Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson kicked off the new year by welcoming visitors to Coma’s newest attraction; a space-aged, Star Wars-themed playground at a ceremony this week.

Approximately two dozen local residents attended the opening for the long-anticipated playground, which took nearly four years of planning and cost the city more than $60 to build.

ABOVE: "Hoth: Post Global Warming" allows children to run around in an empty grass field, much like what Hoth may resemble without the snow and ice

ABOVE: “Hoth: Post Global Warming” allows children to run around in an empty grass field, much like what Hoth may resemble without the snow and ice

“Star Wars movies have long inspired children’s imaginations,” Anderson told the crowd at the opening. “Now we will have a place for those children to live-out their own Star Wars adventures for generations to come.”

Some of the features and attractions of the new playground include:

ABOVE: The Millennium Falcon ride at the new playground provides thrills for children looking to reenact their favorite scenes from the popular spacecraft

ABOVE: The Millennium Falcon ride at the new playground provides thrills for children looking to reenact their favorite scenes from the popular spacecraft

  • “Hoth: Post Global Warming.” Children can run around on patches of grass in an open part of the lot that answers the question “What would the planet Hoth look like without all that ice and snow?” The answer, of course, is a vacant grass lot.
  • Emperor Palpatine’s Throne. A fun, interactive “throne” where children can sit and pretend to be the lovable Emperor Palpatine. Constructed entirely from repurposed materials including some old 4×4 deck posts and pallets, this is sure to be a hit with children of all ages.
ABOVE: Emperor Palpatine's Throne. This scale replica of the famous rulers chair is made of re-purposed lumber

ABOVE: Emperor Palpatine’s Throne. This scale replica of the famous rulers chair is made of re-purposed lumber

  • “VB8.” Kids will certainly get a “kick” out of Coma’s own version of the popular android BB8 from Episode VII. Coma’s version is an old volleyball (thus, “VB8”). The ball will be lying around for children to interact with while visiting the park.
  • Hay and Tube Thing. The playground’s centerpiece is an arrangement of hay and a black plastic conduit “tube”. Playground designers did not specify how this element ties in with Star Wars.
  • “Millennium Falcon Ride.” In what is sure to be a favorite for Han Solo fans, the playground features a Millennium Falcon ride in which riders sit on opposite ends of a beam, facing each other.
  • “Tattoine Reimagined.” Ever wonder what Tattoine, the popular desert-like planet from Star Wars, would look like with more vegetation? Wonder no more.  Children can run around on patches of grass in an open part of the lot that answers the question for you.
ABOVE: "VB8" is an interactive volleyball that resembles popular android BB8

ABOVE: “VB8″ is an interactive volleyball that resembles popular android BB8

Anderson said the new playground adds another attraction for the town as it seeks to increase tourism and noted the playground represents Coma’s “continued commitment to providing only the best experiences for our children.”

“This is a magical place that will put Coma on the map when it comes to popular themed entertainment destinations,” Anderson said.

ABOVE: Hay and Tube thing

ABOVE: Hay and Tube thing

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

2016 vs Cancer: Not Even Close

Jan. 02 News no comments
Fb-Button
Coma residents have taken to social media in recent days to declare 2016 the worst thing to happen in human history.
Why?
Coma News Daily sat down with Dee Collins, a leading local overuser of social media, to ask why she and others have demonized a year.
Coma News: Thanks for taking a few minutes from your furious web postings to talk with us today.
Dee  Collins: It is weird to use my smart phone for talking to a real person instead of posting but I’m feeling old fashioned with New Year’s happening, so why not.
CN: So, 2016. Why is a year now seen as so much more horrible than say death camps, cancer, black death, Ebola, grinding poverty, mass murder or anything else?
DC: Well, this year there was a bad, bad election.
CN: So this was the first year your favored candidate lost?
DC: No, but this guy is the worst yet!
CN: Didn’t you say that about the last guy?
DC: Yes, but this time it’s true.
CN: What else?
DC: Some of our most beloved celebrities died! I mean who’s next? Matt Damon?!
good will hunting 2
CN: Don’t beloved celebrities die every year?
DC: Yes! But George Michael doesn’t die every year! Probably!
george1
CN: So, did any non-celebrity deaths make it the worst year for you? Like friends or family. People you know and care about? Did they have hard times?
DC: I guess people died in town, too, but I’m not really focusing on that right now.
CN: I assume people diagnosed with cancer or some life threatening illness or had a family member die this year would agree 2016 was the worst. Did you get any life-changing diagnoses?
DC: Me? No! And I don’t think I heard about any celebrities getting cancer in 2016 so that’s not really an issue. If it didn’t happen to a millionaire celebrity did it even happen in a way that effects me?
CN: I assume we’re not talking about either local poverty or starvation worldwide making 2016 worse since all that’s going to pretty much continue next year?
DC: Right. I assume every year is the worst for those people. So, not really what I’m talking about. I am talking about people with real pain. I am talking about celebrities that I don’t know.
george2
CN: Speaking of 2017, how’s that looking so far?
DC: Oh, I’m sure it’ll be way worse than 2016. Did Matt Damon make it back from Mars?
Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

2017 Year in Preview

Dec. 30 News no comments
Fb-Button

By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter

After a peyote filled weekend locked in my own house, this reporter has seen some major events that will occur in the town of Coma during the coming year.

Here they are in order of long-term damage:

1) The town is covered in Kudzu vines, also known as the “Mile-a-minute vine,” after a resident returns from a trip to Japan. This eventually spawns a “Light the Town on Fire” campaign and beer festival.

 

2) While driving through town, Bruce Springsteen is captured and held hostage by a large group of residents for two weeks because he rejected their earlier petitions for him to perform in Coma. Instead, he performs a concert in a nearby town.

 

3) A town-wide obsession with the new season of “The Death Valley Chronicles” divides Coma, spawns vitriol on the Coma Facebook page, and eventually martial law is declared and enforced by the National Guard. Extended negotiations led by the Peruvian embassy eventually defuse the crisis.

 

4) What’s that smell? A mysterious odor spreads through Coma for about eight weeks with no one coming forward with information or an admission of guilt.

 

5) On a bet, the local post office trains a pack of wolves to deliver the mail. The new mailbeasts are successful for a few days until they start demanding gold-plated health insurance plans and 40 percent annual raises.

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed

Serious: A Conclusion

Dec. 21 News no comments
Fb-Button

The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former Coma News Daily editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

By Johnny Reynolds, who is a news reporter and not Ryan Reynolds

Don Johnson Michaels was either a WhipIts addict or running from oppressors and/or ghosts.

He ran away from town nearly two years ago to escape a commitment to shovel snow for elderly residents in the town.

Or Michaels found out the town’s buzzard infestation was actually a conspiracy to steal local children and was eliminated by said buzzards.

Or the horse he rode off on was actually his love interest and took him—possibly against his will–to live in Mexico.

Or perhaps the missing editors’ erratic behavior was driven by an embarrassing case of swamp shorts.

After 12 months of reporting by Serious, including interviews with every local kook who knew Michaels, reviewing various documents that were generally unrelated to Michaels and even looking at heavily redacted police reports, we shook it all out, and saw what sticks.

The questions remain maddening. What do we know? What do we not know? Is what know that we don’t know actually known or unknown? Knowing now what we know versus what we knew we’d know at the beginning would we still have spent a year doing this?

The answer I believe to all of those questions is yes.

But from the beginning, this investigation was never really about Michaels. It was about this town. About us. And about me. This investigation has filled this reporter with so many emotions: sadness, despair, joy, terror and mostly nausea.

Sure we’ve learned interesting facts, like the middle aged Michaels lived in one of the stables on the estate of his boss, Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily.

Where are the facts that matter? Facts like where Michaels is now, how drunk is he or where that prize stallion he rode off on is now?

In so many ways the facts that matter were not known one year ago. And somehow we know even less one year later.

This is Serious.

Email, RSS Follow
Email
Share on Tumblr
comments feed comments feed