By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter
After a peyote filled weekend locked in my own house, this reporter has seen some major events that will occur in the town of Coma during the coming year.
Here they are in order of long-term damage:
1) The town is covered in Kudzu vines, also known as the “Mile-a-minute vine,” after a resident returns from a trip to Japan. This eventually spawns a “Light the Town on Fire” campaign and beer festival.
2) While driving through town, Bruce Springsteen is captured and held hostage by a large group of residents for two weeks because he rejected their earlier petitions for him to perform in Coma. Instead, he performs a concert in a nearby town.
3) A town-wide obsession with the new season of “The Death Valley Chronicles” divides Coma, spawns vitriol on the Coma Facebook page, and eventually martial law is declared and enforced by the National Guard. Extended negotiations led by the Peruvian embassy eventually defuse the crisis.
4) What’s that smell? A mysterious odor spreads through Coma for about eight weeks with no one coming forward with information or an admission of guilt.
5) On a bet, the local post office trains a pack of wolves to deliver the mail. The new mailbeasts are successful for a few days until they start demanding gold-plated health insurance plans and 40 percent annual raises.