By Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician and Weekend Raver
Many patients come in to my medical practice in Coma and ask the question: “Dr. Jimmy, what are the signs someone is stalking me and what is the difference between a stalker and my ex?”
This a great question from my professional point of view. The question has medical implications depending on what the stalker might throw at you when they are upset such as a laptop computer, a baseball or a small child.
The Journal of Psychotics and Psychotropic Drugs suggests that there are three main signs someone is a stalker:
1. Someone is lurking around your workplace or your neighborhood.
2. Someone is constantly watching you.
3. Someone repeatedly calls you.
While I agree with these signs, I find them to be too technical for the average person who is not a medical professional, to determine the difference between someone you know who was once normal and someone who is a stalker.
I like using the technical-medical term “stalker” rather than crazy because “crazy” is easier to treat with medication.
In this age of the internet-anonymous-insane people how do you differentiate between people who might innocently follow you around on a daily basis such as an artist, an actor, a mime, a woman having “that time of the month”, an ex you broke up with — this is not a reference to my ex-wife. Dee, this is not about you don’t start texting me. Go back to your screenplay writing, Dee.– or if you have a stalker.
Here are a few questions to help you differentiate between a stalker and an ex:
– Do you know the person who leaves you millions of voice-mails, sends you thousands of texts or sits in a dark car outside your house at all hours of the night? If the answer is yes, the next question is: have you slept with this person? If you answer yes to all of these questions this person is not a stalker. This person is your ex.
– When you walk down a dark alley next to McDougal’s Irish Pub in Coma and someone follows you- is it the same person who followed you into the pub, who played songs on the jukebox that reminded them of times gone by or your wedding where her brother played air guitar to a Poison song and wished you well? Was the song on the jukebox “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” ? Do you know this person? Have you slept with this person? If you answer yes to all of the above questions you do not have a stalker. You have an ex.
– Did this person threaten to boil your rabbit? Does she dress like your current girlfriend and come out of nowhere in the darkness to meet you in front of your house wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile? Did you sleep with this person? If you answered yes to these questions you do not have a stalker. You have an ex who wants to be a screenwriter.
I hope you find this Q & A as helpful as my patients do.
There’s no need to call the police on your ex. No need at all.
Dee, this article is not about you. Please stop texting me and finish your latest “screenplay”.