Category: News

Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’

Mar. 27 News no comments
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Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
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Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees? 
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!
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Coma Author Releases New Children’s Book

Mar. 16 News no comments
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hooper

By Coma News Daily Staff

The latest offering from popular children’s author Dee Collins tells the story of Mr. Hooper, a down-on-his-luck farmer whose body is covered in lesion-like sores.

The story revolves around Mr. Hooper and a young school boy named Porter, who is visiting from the city.

“I wanted to tell a story that would make young children question every decision they have ever made up to that point in their life,” Collins said.  “I think I did that with this story.”

Throughout the story, Porter attempts to determine if Mr. Hooper has sores covering his arms, hands and face or if it’s something else altogether.  The young man cannot determine whether the apparent lesions are contagious and must navigate several awkward scenarios in which Mr. Hooper makes him a bread sandwich, offers multiple high-fives and attempts to teach him how to properly shake hands.

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“The thing is, we never really know what these disgusting, puss-filled lesions are exactly,” Collins said.  “The whole story will help children challenge conventional wisdom and make them explore their definition of sores, disease, viral infection, bacteria and even leprosy.”

Collins’ favorite part of the book features Mr. Hooper and Porter standing at the kitchen sink after working in the fields all day.  Mr. Hooper washes his face and hands and then dries them with a towel and then hands the towel to Porter.

“It is a turning point in the story,” offered Collins.  “This young man is faced with having to decide if he should air dry his face and hands or use the towel.  These are the sorts of dilemma’s children face every day.  This stuff is real-life, ripped-from-the-headlines material.”

“Mr. Hooper Has A Sore Or Something” is 28 pages and will be available nationwide through traditional classified advertising ads.

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Support Group For Rare Photogenic Disorder Offers Hope to Many

Feb. 28 News no comments
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by Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft decided enough was enough. After years of having his photo taken and being constantly disappointed in the results, Horncraft thought there had to be a better way. Horncraft deals with a rare condition known as Startled Retentive Photogenic Disorder, or SRPD for short.

Like others who suffer from SRPD, things like selfies and photos at family get togethers can cause anxiety and stress.

“I look incredibly surprised in every photo,” Horncraft said. “I realize my picture is being taken. I am looking at the camera when it happens. And yet, my photos always make me look like I’m totally caught off guard.”

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ABOVE: Horncraft (far right), mingles with other SRPD survivors at a recent support group meeting

Horncraft has started a support group for those who suffer from SRPD. The group recently held their second meeting that attracted more than a dozen participants who shared stories about their experiences in living with this rare condition.

According to local physician, Dr. Jimmy, SRPD can strike at any age, last for many years and cause debilitating side effects.

Some of those side effects include a reluctance to be photographed, some light-to-nonexistent anxiety regarding cameras or smartphones and a “constant” surprise at seeing how startled you look in every photograph.

“There is a saying in the SRPD community,” Dr. Jimmy said. “We may look shocked, but we’re likely just mildly surprised. Treat us like other humans.”

Horncraft, who has battled SRPD for nearly five years, said he decided to start the support group because he was tired of being the “most surprised-looking guy in every photo.”

“There had to be other people that deal with this disorder,” Horncraft said. “I thought it would be good to get together. If you take pictures of us together, it might not look so unusual. Maybe people would think we were just told the world is ending in five minutes or something. You never know.”

Horncraft first began to notice symptoms of SRPD following a family reunion in 2011. As he looked through photographs of the event he realized he appeared somewhat confused or slightly bewildered in every photo.

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ABOVE: Horncraft (far left) first discovered the severity of his condition at a friend’s wedding in 2011

“That’s how it starts,” Dr. Jimmy said. “The early stages of SRPD generally include a confused expression. It looks like the subject doesn’t quite understand the technology or the concept of photography.”

It was in the fall of 2011 that Horncraft’s condition took a dramatic turn. As a member of a friend’s wedding party, Horncraft was repeatedly photographed throughout the day. The wedding photographer pulled him aside at one point and asked him if everything was all right. The photographer then shared many of the photos with Horncraft, who was shocked to see his repeatedly shocked expression.

“I think I’m smiling in the photos,” Horncraft said. “Like, I realize they are taking my picture. I think I’m presenting a normal expression, but I’m not.”

Horncraft said he has learned to live with the condition and has made some improvements. With precise and severe concentration, he can maintain a “mildly confused” look in most photographs. But relapses still occur and Horncraft is hopeful the SRPD support group can help each other living with the rare condition.

“My hope is that by sharing stories and photos of our experiences we can help each other to live normal lives,” Horncraft said. “Ultimately, we just want to be treated like normal people and not be cropped out of every Facebook post.”

The SRPD support group meets every Tuesday at 7 p.m. at the Coma Community Center.

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ABOVE: A group of SRPD survivors gather at a recent support group meeting. Horncraft said he hopes the meetings will offer hope to the many people afflicted with the rare condition

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Rare Hollywood Merchandise Goes on Sale this Weekend

Feb. 24 News no comments
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by Coma New Staff

Just in time for the Academy Awards, local memorabilia collector Dee Collins announced this week she is selling select pieces of her vast collection of extremely rare Hollywood merchandise.

“These are pieces that capture some of the most memorable moments in film making history,” Collins said. “The craftsmanship, quality and nostalgia are impeccable.”

english patient soap dispenser

ABOVE: “The English Patient” hand-soap dispenser features actor Ralph Fiennes as the lovable burn victim.

Among the items Collins is offering is a throw pillow featuring Leonardo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass from the film “The Revenant,” a limited-edition “Benjamin Button” lampshade, an imported hand-soap dispenser featuring Ralph Fiennes as the burn victim from “The English Patient” and a Talented Mr. Ripley’s Chef’s Choice Diamond Hone Electric Knife Sharpener 310 featuring Matt Damon as Tom Ripley.

According to Collins, it is not uncommon for film studios to make limited-runs of merchandise to help promote their films. Collins has spent years building her collection, which also includes a “Howard’s End” toothbrush set, a comforter featuring the cast of “The Insider” and a beer cozy from the film “Milk” featuring Sean Penn as Harvey Milk.

the revenant throw pillow

ABOVE: The intensity of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar-winning performance is captured perfectly in this cozy, soft throw pillow.

Collins said she has spent nearly 15 years assembling her collection and hopes to one day open a museum dedicated to motion pictures and film memorabilia. Part of her motivation for selling select pieces now is to raise money to help make that dream come true.

Talented mr ripley knife sharpener

ABOVE: This electric knife sharpener was part of a limited “The Talented Mr. Ripley” series of knife sharpeners that also included Jude Law and Kate Blanchett.

“I want a place for people to go and be able to see things like a child’s sippy cup featuring the movie poster for ‘Cold Mountain,” Collins said. “I want to create that magical experience for people who love movies as much as I do.”

Collins, who is a noted children’s author and who has scripted more than 400 screenplays, said the sale will run through this weekend to coincide with the Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday. Prices range from $500 to $2,500 for more rare items.

benjamin button lamp shade

ABOVE: Brad Pitt’s famous turn as the adorable Benjamin Button is forever memorialized on this exquisite and stylish lamp shade.

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Women Letters Campaign Knocks Toenails, Weather, Traffic

Feb. 17 News no comments
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By Coma News Staff
Jax Owen was sitting in his office at Jax Used Cars of Coma this week and contemplating how many mule carcasses to accept in trade for used cars. He never expected that important work to be interrupted by a letter-writing campaign.
Women from around Coma this week deluged Owen and other members of the Town Council with multiple letters about their feelings on the winter, ingrown toenails and migratory patterns of local wildlife.
“They were writing me stuff about the favorite colors and their grandmothers hysterectomy and it was hard to figure out what policy issue they actually wanted changed,” Owen said. “One woman wrote in all caps that she didn’t want her uterus pulled out but I’m pretty sure that’s already illegal.”
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said no uterus thefts have ever been reported in Coma.
“The only organs taken that I can recall was the theft of some calf kidney’s a few years back,” Frostnib said. “But that was from a cow was already slaughtered so I’m not sure if cannibalism is a concern that these women are raising–is it?”
One of the organizers of the local letter-writing campaign, Councilwoman Natalie Peters, said the goal was for local women to “speak out.”
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When asked what specifically women should speak out about, Peters said, “everything.”
Owen said he will be able to better understand what concerns local women are talking if they attach their picture to their emotional plea. He promised to select “the cream of the crop” to visit him personally at the Town Council chambers, where he promised to offer “therapeutic hugs.”
“If we can’t figure out what specific policies they want to change at least we can help them hug it out,” Owen said.
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Mayor Downplays Second Altercation Involving Primate

Feb. 15 News no comments
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by Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson is refuting reports that he had another incident involving a primate last week, despite eyewitness accounts to the contrary.

The alleged incident occurred last Thursday while the mayor was meeting with local business leaders for his monthly “Drinking Coffee with Mayor Dave Anderson” event at town hall.

According to eyewitnesses, the mayor was fielding questions about potential tax breaks for local businesses when a Barbary macaque entered the room and began taunting the mayor.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous. “At first I thought it was a Rhesus macaque but upon closer inspection I was like, ‘nah, that’s definitely a Barbary macaque.’”

mayor and macaque

ABOVE: Witnesses say Anderson (left) had an intense altercation with a Barbary macaque (right) last week during a town hall-style meeting

The small primate approached Anderson and extended his small, furry hand. Anderson extended his hand to shake and before completing the gesture, the macaque withdrew his hand, slid his hand past his head and then turned and strutted away.

“It was pretty funny,” said one eyewitness. “I’ve seen that gag before. But something about that little macaque doing it was very refreshing.”

Anderson attempted to continue his presentation but appeared flustered. Moments later, the macaque approached Anderson a second time. According to witnesses, the monkey began to mimick the mayor as he spoke.

“He had it down pretty good,” a witness said. “Hand gestures, arm movements. It was just like Dave.”

Anderson allegedly became increasingly agitated as the small primate continued to mock his movements. At one point, Anderson stopped, placed his hands on his hips and shook his head at the monkey. The monkey gave Anderson a “thumbs up” gesture.

“That seemed to cut a lot of the tension in the room,” one witness said. “But then it got ugly.”

According to onlookers, the monkey began to twist his hand slowly. What started as a “thumbs up” became a “thumbs down” gesture. Anderson rushed the monkey and had to be restrained by several advisors and staff members.

“At one point Dave yelled ‘I’m going to cut you mother fucker’” an eyewitness said. “He grabbed a chair and started swinging but fortunately his staff held him back.”

The macaque, according to witnesses, extended a middle finger to the mayor before exiting the room through a side door. Anderson recently admitted to an unfortunate ordeal nearly 12 years ago in which he punched a monkey in the face, knocking out two of the animal’s teeth.

The mayor told reporters on Tuesday the recent incident has been exaggerated and that there was really nothing to talk about.

“Did I go after a monkey with a chair?” Anderson asked. “Maybe. But who is to say that in some alternate reality the monkey didn’t try to attack me with a chair? Why is no one talking about that possibility?”

Anderson refused to comment further. The macaque has not been seen since the incident occurred last week.

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Mayor Shows Off Newly Discovered Excel Skills

Feb. 13 News no comments
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by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week he has recently “taken up” Microsoft Excel and vowed to use the popular software program to improve press conferences, share important data and to generally “add more cool technology” to the town’s government.

Anderson, who included several large-print graphs and pie charts during his announcement, said he stumbled upon Excel by accident while trying to open the YouTube link on his desktop.

“The little icon had always been there,” Anderson said. “But I assumed it was a program only accountants or scientists used. Not mayors. It’s so cool.”

ABOVE: Anderson shares a graph he recently made after discovering Microsoft Excel by accident. “It’s so cool,” the mayor told reporters.

The mayor started “playing around” with the program and quickly discovered a number of interesting features and useful purposes he believes can help city government be more “big time.”

Anderson shared several of his projects at the press conference, including his very first Excel project; a smiley face made by filling cells with different colors.

“It’s not only a great tool for making graphs,” Anderson said. “You can also use it for art. It’s so cool.”

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ABOVE: Anderson’s pie chart revealing his favorite Star Wars characters by percentage points

According to his critics, Anderson’s announcement lacked real substance and once again demonstrated the three-term mayor’s ability to divert attention from real issues.

“They were rudimentary at best,” former council member Bob Smith-Smith said of the mayor’s charts. “He clearly has a tenuous grasp on analytics, data and statistics. One graph was dedicate to the types of graphs he had made so far. What purpose does that serve?”

Anderson said he felt “re-energized” by the software tool and he looked forward to using it daily to help run the government more efficiently.

The mayor shared several charts, including a pie chart that showed his favorite Star Wars characters and one showing the types of coffee he enjoys drinking (dark roast).

“I fail to see the relevance in explaining to the press your favorite Star Wars character,” Smith-Smith said. “And, ‘Yoga?’ I mean, was that a typo or does he actually think there is a Star Wars character named Yoga?”

Anderson cut the press conference short and said he wanted to continue to explore the “cool” program further.

“There are dozens of things you can use it for,” Anderson said. “You can make lists. You can do other stuff. I think we’re just scratching the surface. It’s so cool.”

 

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Has Local Teen Discovered World’s First Map?

Feb. 08 News no comments
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Local teen Chase Donovan announced this week the discovery of what he called the world’s first map.

Donavan shared the map at a press conference on Monday and said it includes ancient trade routes and a “lost continent.” The map, which measures 8.5” x 11,” resembled a standard printed sheet of copy paper.

“This looks really old,” Donovan said while holding it up for reporters. “I mean, just look at the drawing and how it’s kind of yellowish. It could be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

Critics moved quickly to point out several flaws in Donovan’s hypothesis.

“It is clearly a copy of a map that was printed from some stock photography website,” map critic Micah Horncraft said. “It includes the watermark ‘Deposit Photos’ all over it. Like why is anyone even listening to this kid?”

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ABOVE: Donovan shows the map he claims is the world’s first.

Donovan has stood firm on his claim that the map is likely the first ever to be created. He noted how old the image looked and how the image “just looked really old.” He defended the map from its many detractors.

“They say it can’t be legit because it has the words “deposit photos” all over it,” Donovan explained. “But, how do we know deposit photos isn’t the name of some really old company that made maps? Try thinking outside the box, you know?”

Donovan said he was hoping to “get some science done” on the map to confirm conclusively, one way or the other, the actual age of the map. Donovan stated he found the map folded up near a trash can outside the school cafeteria last week.

The 17-year-old junior said he is going to start a website about the map and plans on selling it to a museum for “several million bucks, at least.”

“It would be cool to sell it to someone at a rate of like, one dollar for every year of how old it is,” Donovan said. “How many millions of dollars could that be? One hundred? More? Nobody knows.”

Critics like Horncraft said the entire ordeal is a waste of time and energy.

“I just can’t believe that someone is interviewing me about what is clearly not an old map and something that was probably printed last Wednesday and discarded by someone running late for class,” Horncraft said. “How is nobody else seeing this?”

Donovan said he is allowing local scientists to review the document this week to make a determination.

 

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