Archive for: June 2014

Letter to the Editor: Summer is No Fat Camp

Jun. 17 Living no comments
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The following is paid advertisement and does not reflect the views of Coma News.
Jax Owen, Owner Jax Used Cars

 

School is almost out, but for most low-income kids who rely on the Public Ultimate Karma Eating program this means poor nutrition and even empty stomachs.

According to Coma Public Schools, only one in seven children who participated in the school’s PUKE program in 2012 also participated in the Summer PUKE program (SumPUKE).

This means that six out of seven kids who are at a high risk of going hungry missed out on free platters of soggy pizza, burned fried chicken and lakes of mystery gravy.

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We need to do better for our kids here in Coma!

To educate people about the benefits of the SumPUKE the town is organizing the Summer PUKE Awareness Week from June 22 to 27 at my used car lot. Don’t forget to bring your mule carcass for $50 off ANY VEHICLE on the lot.

This program pairs all-fried breakfasts, lunches, and snacks with recreational and learning activities – like day-long educational video game tournaments, Sesame Street Marathons and zoology lectures.

Hopefully, if we can figure out get our starving kids to eat then we will be able to conquer more complex crises, like getting our equally challenging childhood obesity epidemic under control and equally sell more used cars to people.

Won’t you join me in making this summer delicious?

Cookie_Monster

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If You Practice Enough it is Easy to Order Coffee

Jun. 17 Opinion no comments
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Stan Bargmeyer
My friend Bob Smith-Smith recently told me “Stanny ole boy, you should try that new Startruck place in Coma.” So I said “Startrucks? What’s that?” And he said, “it’s a coffee shop Stan and it’s really easy to get coffee there. All you need to do is go in and order. And the coffee is great–better than the diner.”

So I walked in and the first thing I notice is long lines and men wearing those pants that aren’t like regular khakis and that look really uncomfortable.
There are many ways to order your favorite coffee that sound good in another language.

There are many ways to make your coffee order sound better in another language.

But I am not afraid of these kids. I am not afraid because I know how to wear headphones.I walked up to the counter and a girl with a earring I her nose said “what do you want?”

“Coffee?”
“What kind?”

“Just a coffee”
And then she pointed to the menu behind her. I’d never seen so many choices on a menu and none of them look like coffee.

Luckily I felt a hand on my shoulder and good ole Bob was behind me and he said, “what’s the matter, Stan?” And told him I just wanted some coffee but I was getting kind of lost.
Without missing a beat, Bob tells the girl behind the counter who is playing with her hair “my friend, Stan, will have a half caf, grande with a shot and skim.”

coffee_menu

I am still not sure what he ordered but I think that if you practice hard enough ordering coffee can be easy.
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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Jun. 16 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: broccoli‏

I bought a large bag of broccoli florets from costco and really need just the tops. If anyone can use the fresh stalks, maybe soup or to make a craft?

Porch pick up. Email with date of pick up.

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

Here is a fancy broccoli and cauliflower dog you could create with the stalks.

Here is a fancy broccoli and cauliflower dog you could create with the stalks.

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: kitchen canister

Color is cream or light tan, very good condition. Can’t find use for it.

Pick up any time after 11am.

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

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[FreecycleComa] WANTED: granite kitchen counter‏

 

Nothing specific. Need an entire piece that is brown with other flecks of color. Need you to come and cut it to fit. If you have some granite lying around would love for you to SHARE IT!

Willing to pick it up but will need you to cut it to the size of our current formica counter.

This is the kind of counter we would like. Looking for something that is free with more brown than this one. Our space is much bigger. Please have your own materials to install.

This is the kind of counter we would like. Looking for something that is free with more brown than this one. Our space is much bigger. Please have your own materials to install.

Janice

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

 

 

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Few Coma Babies Are Geniuses

Jun. 15 News no comments
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by Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Only five of 13 young enrollees in Coma’s largest daycare program will reach high-paying professional positions over the next three decades, Coma News has learned.

Contrary to the hopes of all of their parents, most of the infants and toddlers enrolled at House of the Little Peoples will remain in local low-wage jobs into their 30s. Future positions include gas station attendant, artist, journalist, customer service associate, and chemical stimulation shop barista. High-achieving students include a future physician, a lawyer, and another whose job will not make sense until future technology is developed.
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This baby has a bright future in customer service or the field of journalism.

The future employment roles came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.
 
Arash Daroodi, owner of the preschool, took a fatalistic view of his students’ futures.
 
“It’s not my job to raise these kids,” Daroodi said. “I just keep them in the pen and put on Law & Order, like any real person would do.”
 
Marylee Bumgartener, Daroodi’s daughter and only employee, plans to watch the children for signs of above average intelligence.
 
“After you first called me, I picked up some used violins so I can see which ones are gifted,” Bumgartener said.
 
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said the news bolsters his push for a town-funded gas station attendant training program.
“We need to give these kids a head start on their mediocre futures,” Anderson said. “I never want to have to pump my own gas, again.”
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Coma Weekly Police Blotter

Jun. 13 Living no comments
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June 5, 2014, 2: 45 pm – A horse was believed to be dead on the property of Davis Montgomery III but when checked by an Animal Welfare representative was determined to be sunbathing.

June 9, 2014, 8:15 am- Theft of an American flag was reported on the morning of June 9th at Coma Elementary School. The 4 1/2 by 3 foot flag was described as being red, white and blue.

June 11, 2014, 11:25 pm – Robert McGuiness and Charlie Rodgers of Coma were arrested in front of Bear’s Biker Bar on suspicion of fighting in a public place and being drunk in public. They allegedly had been arguing over needing to call someone to pick them up so they wouldn’t get arrested for being drunk in public.

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Worm Licensure Sparks Windfall, Litter

Jun. 13 News no comments
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By Thomas Steven John, Coma News Future Reporter

 

The first weekend of Coma’s new requirement that fisherman obtain per-worm permits will garner the town’s largest fishing fee-related revenue to-date. It also will spur much larger trash clean up costs.

The short- to mid-term budget impacts of the worm fee came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

The so-called crappy fisherman fee was spurred by the lack of Coma fisherman buying fishing licenses because they never catch anything anyway.
“A river runs through our parks and rec budget when none of these guys feel like they need a license,” Coma Town Councilman Bob Smith-Smith, said during his summer-long hiatus from official duties.

People in Coma love to fish and fish love the people of Coma.

People in Coma love to fish and fish love the people of Coma.

As a totally unexpected consequence of the worm fee, which will raise nearly $11,000 this coming weekend, fisherman will switch to a variety of other bait, including bread, hot dogs, beer can parts, cigarette butts, Styrofoam pieces and chewing tobacco tins.
After widespread and summer-long use of pretty much whatever is lying around inside the boat as alternative bait, the town’s lakes, streams and ponds will require an unprecedented $500,000 clean up effort.
“I sincerely doubt anyone would go to such ludicrous lengths to avoid a perfectly reasonable $5 per worm fee,” Town Council-member Natalie Peters, said about the litter. She then launched into an extended tambourine solo with her band.
Lifelong fisherman Doctor Jimmy said the fish “had it coming,” when told about the coming trash tsunami.
“They think they can just take my bait over and over again with no consequences” Dr. Jimmy said about the fish. “Unbelievable.”

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Culling Kerfuffle Causes Concerns

Jun. 10 News no comments
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By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter
A pair of fuzzy slippers, three garden gnomes and a non-pet tortoise will be among the items mistakenly seized during this weekend’s annual Coma animal cull.
The wackily inappropriate victims of Coma’s long-standing program to reduce the surplus animal population that has never actually reduced a pet or allowed surreptitious removal of nuisance animals came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

These birds were not actually picked up in the cull they are an example of how unattractive baby birds are.

These birds will not be picked up in the cull they are an example of how unattractive baby birds are.

The annual cull entails teams of town officials and deputized “vigilantes” fanning out across Coma over a designated 24 hours to seize any animal outdoors, behind loose fencing or in houses that are not locked.

“Now they’re seizing lawn ornaments?” Bob McGuiness said when told about the impending loss of his gnomes. “When is it ever going to stop?”
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, who was reached for comment during his summer-long official hiatus, shrugged off the impending loss of non-pet related items.
“You gotta break a few gnomes to give the people what they want,” he said.
Coma Town Councilmember Natalie Peters expressed relief when told that no parakeets were among the seized and destroyed pets. As the primary proponent of an effort to confer human rights on parakeets, Peters said she is conflicted about the annual event.

These garden gnomes were caught as a result of the cull. They are the only animals that will be seized in this event.

These garden gnomes were caught as a result of the cull. They are the only animals that will be seized in this event.

“So many owners are not taking proper care of their pets and the should never have gotten animals in the first place,” Peters said. “Plus, there are an awful lot of annoying pets out there.”

 

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Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Jun. 09 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer : dog goggles

See pic below

Must take dog. Dog will not let me remove the goggles.

Porch pick up this week on Thursday. Email for address and better description of the dog.

townofcoma@gmail.com

Doggles-Dog-Goggles-1

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Wonderwoman Snuggie

Hi
Like new – Never been worn adult snuggie with wonder woman design on front. It has sleeves, perfect for curling up on sofa. It was originally bought in Kmart a year and a half ago, made by The Northwest Company LLC. Present from a good friend. I am more into She-ra. Email with date and time for pick up.

townofcoma@gmail.com

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