Archive for: June 2014

Coma Weekly Police Blotter


blotter 3 front page


May 27, 2014, 8: 55 pm – a quiet riot started during the ‘Save the World’ concert at Coma Commons. Protesters were dressed in “hippie garb” and were quietly sitting and carrying signs protesting the band’s shift from overplayed folk classics to over-hyped Ramones music. An unidentified caller reported the silent protestors and police were dispatched with tear gas to deal with the situation.

June 2, 2014, 4:15 pm- A Coma man reported to police that 5lbs of bacon had been stolen from his refrigerator. Upon further investigation Coma Sherrif reported that the man’s wife confessed to eating  the bacon during the night and gave what she could not eat to the family dog. No charges are pending at this time.

June 3, 2014, 11:11 am – A woman in the 1500 Block of E. Everett Street reported that someone had kicked in the back door to her home. The thieves stole laundry detergent, a pillow case, and several boxes of tampons. The Sherrif’s office has no suspects at this time.

Killing Them Hilariously

By Coma News Staff


A new Coma adult education course will teach essential survival skills for sharply different environments.
Zombie Clown School will combine a longstanding course on the basics of clownsmanship with techniques to survive a zombie apocalypse.

In a recent clinical study that took place in Sweden it was determined that people are 98% more afraid of Zombies when the Zombies are also clowns.

In a recent clinical study that took place in Sweden it was determined that people are 98% more afraid of Zombies when the Zombies are also clowns.

“The clown stuff doesn’t bring ’em in like it used to and somebody mentioned that people are into zombies so I thought ‘What the heck,'” said Bob Smith-Smith, who teaches the course.
Smith-Smith, who performs as Spazzo the Clown, said he was surprised to find the two course activities have a lot in common.

“They’re both high pressure situations with frequently hostile interactions–except people do not usually try to eat performers,” Smith-Smith said.
The course elicited confusion from some adult education enthusiasts.

“Oh, I like clowns but what’s a zamby?” said Stan Bargmeyer, one of the oldest Coma residents.


Others were less supportive.
“There really is no more terrifying thought,” said Robert McGuiness. “Who thought it was a good idea to start letting that clown guy teach classes?”
But the class may not yet be done evolving. Smith-Smith is considering next adding fantasy role playing elements and vampire studies to the course.
“You need to stay relevant without becoming asinine,” he said.

Are You Smart Enough to Chessbox?

By Coma News Staff

Back from a decisive defeat at last years Chessboxing tournament Jax Owen looks to retake the crown as Coma’s Chess boxing Champion.

Did you know? Chessboxing originated in London.

Did you know? Chessboxing originated in London.

“I’m not worried about the competition because there’s not many smart athletic people in Coma. You are either one or the other.” says Jax Owen, owner of Jax Used Cars.




The ultimate mash-up of brains and brawn, chessboxing is exactly what it sounds like. Competitors must be masters of both knocking out and checkmating opponents, as the sport involves alternating rounds of chess and boxing. I can only imagine that repeated blows to the head must affect their ability to develop chess strategies.

The tournament begins Friday at the Coma Community Center and will continue until someone either checks out or checkmates. The entry fee for the event is $5. Food and drink are not included.

Coma As Canvas

By Coma News Staff


Challenge your cultural blinders and re-elevate your class perceptions at one of the newest art experiences in town.
Marlee Bumgartner, activist, shut in and co owner of Coma’s daycare ‘House of the Little Peoples’, opened her latest art exhibit Monday “Coma as Canvas” to highlight the town’s long-unappreciated street art. The collection, which includes shot gun pellet-pocked street signs, aims to publicize the working classes’ under-valued artistic expressions.

According to Marlee Bumgartener this art shows that the Coma working class is either happy or sad.

According to Marlee Bumgartener this art shows that the Coma working class is either happy or sad.

“This is how our working class says ‘I’m happy,’ or ‘I’m sad,'” the curator said in a phone interview from her home. “The only question is whether we are brave enough to listen to them.”

This car on some hay bails says, "listen to me."

This car on some hay bails says, “listen to me.”

Other artwork on display includes arial photos of “doughnuts,” or mud tracks torn in lawns with off-road vehicles, as well as mail boxes smashed during games of “road ball.”
“As their Scotch-Irish ancestors rebelled against the boot of English tyranny through cultural expressions of songs and games, Coma’s working poor are rebelling against corporatization and an ever-shrinking Dollar Menu,” said Bumgartner, a cultural historian.
The exhibit seemed to touch a nerve among attendees at its opening.
“Obviously, Coma artists choose the streets as their gallery as a way to communicate directly with the public — free from perceived confines of the formal art world,” said Natalie Peters, Town Council member and local musician.
But the artists drew less support from the members of some generations.

One of the most powerful images is an areal view of a car doing doughnuts.

One of the most powerful images is an areal view of a car doing doughnuts.

“I understand street artists are trying hard to present socially relevant content infused with esthetic value, but I just miss the mailbox my late wife painted flowers on,” said Stan Bargmeyer, one of the oldest residents of Coma.
Undeterred, Bumgartner plans to imitate the practice of street artists, who travel widely to spread their designs, by opening additional exhibits around town as new artwork appears.

1887- The Fancy Comma Invented in Coma

fancy commaStan Bargmeyer

The Fancy Comma, a formal version of the popular punctuation mark, was invented by Coma publishing magnate, Howard Sherman Montgomery Sr. in 1887.

Reserved for special documents and books about fancy things, the fancy comma features a standard comma wearing a top hat.

Although rarely used today, the fancy comma can still be found in some wedding announcements, edicts and treaties.


The world’s largest comma weighs nearly 4,000 lbs. and is stored in a barn in Coma.


Of Mice and Men’s Rooms

Sadie Cracker

It’s summer time, which means signing up little guys for the book challenge at the Coma library.

In case you haven’t been there since Van Halen was “Hot for Teacher,” the library is like Kindle but where you are stuck in one place, not allowed to drink lattes while browsing and Libraries don’t sell toys.



None of that kept me from signing Jimmy up for the summer reading program. His brother Johnny signed up last week and picked 25 books to read.
“Jimmy, how many books do you want to get?”

He looked at me. Looked at the floor. Looked at the screen and said, “two?”

I stood there looking at the rows of books remembering how I read my way through the library as I kid and how I went to college knowing–not  believing, not dreaming–but knowing that someday I would have my name on the spine of a book. It hasn’t happened but it’s something I believed as a kid
“You mean you want to read twenty?”

of_mice_and_men_vocabularyHe shook his head again, no. “I want to be happy,” he said. “I need to pee.”

This started to make me feel panicky. Not just because he didn’t want to read like I wanted him to but also because I cannot figure out how to make the bathroom work with boys. They can’t come in the women’s room with you because they talk about farting and laugh and point at every noise. They can’t go in to the men’s room by themselves because they’ll destroy something. You can’t go with them.

“I have to peeee.”

So we rushed back to the bathroom and he went in and I held the door open until a man walked up with his son.

“It’s okay.” He said and took my hand off the door. “I tell my wife it’s ok. He’ll be fine.”


Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] TAKEN: plastic patio furniture

This was picked up. Thank you!


[FreecycleComa] Offer: Plastic bag of Boones Wild Island and some Firecrackers

Some firecrackers (small and large). Some Boones Wild Island. Tasted but not good…

porch pick up

townofcoma at


[FreecycleComa] Admin File – Update to Rules for FreecycleComa

10) KEEP IT APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES. Items that are age-restricted or
require medical authorization may not be offered on Freecycle(TM). No
firearms, no explosives, no alcohol, no tobacco, no pornographic material,
and no medication or supplies that require a prescription.


If you cannot adhere to Freecycle rules you will be removed from the group.