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Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 1

Sep. 07 Sports no comments

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games

By Jabba the Hutt, Guest Sports Editor, Coma News Daily

I’m Jabba The Hutt. I am not Terry Bradshaw. You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films. But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Over the years I’ve had some success at accurately picking winners. Like, I’m really, really good at it. So, I’ve decided to start sharing my predictions. I’m grateful to the Town of Coma News for finding some value in offering this to their readers.

Here are my picks for week 1.

Carolina Panthers at Denver Broncos

I like the Panthers to get some revenge and put heavy pressure on the young Broncos’ signal caller. Look for the Panthers to run it up late.

CAROLINA 30 DENVER 13

Before I go any further, I want to address something. It is something that has been bothering me for some time now. I initially submitted this recurring feature to more than 200 news outlets. I thought for sure at least one of them would be like “OMG, YES! We want to be in the Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Business.”

But none of them were interested. They said they were shocked at how juxtaposed my writing was from the colorful character I displayed in the The Star Wars Motion Picture Films.

They wanted me to “ham it up” as it were like a Terry Bradshaw. To be someone I’m not. In real life, I’m not some flashy, fast-talking warlord. I’m a pretty easy-going guy. I’m even on Pinterest. So, you know…I have a wide variety of interests.

Sorry. I had to express myself. Back to my picks…

Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans

Minnesota is still reeling from the loss of their young franchise quarterback. Sean Hill looks like a nice guy with great abs, but I’m going with the home team here who has their own young franchise quarterback.

TENNESSEE 26 MINNESOTA 16

I mean, and again, this is another aside…but, do people expect me to belch and burp all the time? Am I supposed to make Rancor references or talk about how bad Gamorreans smell after a long day in the desert? (they do wear a ridiculous amount of clothing for such a warm climate)

Guess what? Jabba The Hutt is a regular dude. He likes eating Doritos with his Mt. Few and…hitchhiking. I carry around a switchblade like everyone else. So why should my column be any different? It’s hella frustrating.

Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville is going to the playoffs this season. Write that one down. Their march toward the playoffs begins with a win at home over the Green Bay Packers. A much-improved defense is the difference this year for a young Jaguars team.

JACKSONVILLE 27 GREEN BAY 21

I think what people really want is genuine Jabba The Hutt. Not phony Jabba The Hutt.

I understand that once people meet me in person they are a little taken aback by my tone and personality. I always hear “you’re not at all what I expected.”

Well guess what? I’m just being myself. All the time. Sorry if my reality is too much for you to handle media. I even buy lottery tickets! I mean, how much more normal can a guy be? And I grew a moustache for Movember last year. “Oh, why would you do that? You’re Jabba The Hutt?”

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT MEN’S PROSTATE HEALTH!!!

I wore pink for breast cancer awareness month because just like any other 2000 pound man I really believe boobs are special.

So, I’m sorry. I feel like my prediction article is getting derailed. But, come on.

Time for my final pick of the week…

New England Patriots at Arizona Cardinals

Some say this is a sneak peek at Super Bowl LI. I say it just might be. No Brady? No problem for the Patriots, who strike early and often to earn an impressive road win against one of the NFC’s top teams.

NEW ENGLAND 30 ARIZONA 20

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Failed Solar Panels to Serve as Picnic Tables

Sep. 06 News no comments

By Coma News Daily Staff

Significant savings and sustainability are the main reasons town leaders have decided to re-purpose the town’s $600,000 solar energy project into picnic tables.

The town’s finance director called the conversion of 601 tax-payer funded solar panels into picnic tables a “win-win.”

The panels, which were installed three years ago, were expected to reduce the town’s energy costs by $50,000 but actually cut energy spending by 57 cents last year.

“Instead of waiting for these things to pay off in 3,754 years, we decided they could provide critical picnic-related help right now,” said Mayor Dave Anderson.

The panels will be moved off the roofs of Town Hall, Coma schools, and town-operated port–potties and be placed in local parks and other picnicking locations. The re-installation is expected to be ready by next summer.

“If they up as soon as possible, we can start saving and picnicking as soon as possible,” Anderson said.

Anderson noted the trend of residents carrying around an ever-larger assortment of snacks, electronic equipment, and sanitary wipes has straining the sustainability of existing picnic tables around town. Recycling the solar panels will save the town “at least” $100 in replacement picnic tables.

You can’t swim is this tasteful solar panel bikini but you can lay out and charge your iPhone so you can take selfies of yourself wearing it.

“We’re hopeful the savings will slightly lower budget cuts to rescue services and pothole repair while meeting picnicking needs and reducing our carbon footprint,” Anderson said.

The re-purposing will be partially funded by a state picnic table tax credit program.

Over the panels’ 25-year life span, picnic-related savings will be significant, Anderson said.

“Do you have any idea how many picnics are ruined ants?” Anderson said. “Not with these sustainable tables.”

Town officials will use the panels’ real-time Internet tracking tools to monitor their usage by picnics-goers, so they can react quickly to any problems.

“We need to ensure local skateboarders and other hoodlums don’t misuse these tables,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters. “After all, it’s our solemn duty to safeguard the taxpayers’ investment.”

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Artifacts: Prospector Head

Sep. 03 Living no comments

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Artifacts Macaroni & Cheese

Aug. 30 Living no comments

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This Day in History: Hot Dog Hammer Invented in Coma

Aug. 26 Coma History no comments

By Coma News Daily Staff

Like everybody else, Ezra Kocklebloch loved hot dogs. But it took Kocklebloch to turn eating hot dogs into an event.

The idea for the hot dog hammer came to Kocklebloch one day while watching a group of boys gathered around one boy holding a magnifying glass.

“He was burning caterpillars but you’d think he was spinning gold, based on the rapt attention of the other youngsters,” Kocklebloch said in a 1995 interview with Coma News Daily.

The crowd-pleasing violence showed Kocklebloch the future of his hot dog stand. He fashioned wooden hammers from Lincoln Log sets, clogs, and bundles of chopsticks and lent them to hotdog buyers.

“The indescribable joy on a boy’s face as he hammers a hot dog, before eating the pieces–that’s what kept me showing up for work at that hotdog stand for the next 30 years,” Kocklebloch said.

Although the hot dog hammer never gained much popularity, it’s influence could be seen in the later popularity of the broccoli bludgeon and carrot club.

But for a generation of kids raised in Coma it was hard not to think of a hot dog every time they saw a hammer.

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Buy My Screenplay: R2-D2 Stars in ‘Ninja City’

Aug. 26 Classified, Living no comments

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

ADVERTORIAL

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays every day and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay! (for just mid to upper 7 figures!!!)

My latest screenplay, titled ‘Ninja City’, is hot off the press and ready for sale! It only took me 3 hours to write! It’s ‘Star Wars: Episode II’ meets ‘Serpico’ but with ninjas.

R2-D2 is a down-on-his-luck undercover police officer on the mean streets of Boise, Idaho. His job is to take down the city’s ruthless crime lord and his legion of trained, killer assassins. But R2-D2 is not only fighting the crime lord and his assassins, he’s also dealing with a serious drug addiction, faulty wiring, a corrupt Police Captain and a wife (played by Emma Stone) who is threatening to leave him for a younger and much hotter android.

See below for an excerpt of this amazing movie script! If you want to buy, hit me up and let’s do business for only 1.2 million (in cash not cashier’s checks) this screenplay can be yours!!!

EXT. DARK ALLEY- NIGHT

R2-D2 is standing next to a dumpster. There is loud MUSIC coming from a bar nearby. He takes a long drink from a bottle of something strong but doesn’t fall over because he’s a HEAVY ROBOT. EMMA STONE walks out from the bar looking hot and sexy but yet vulnerable.

EMMA STONE

R2D2… I mean, Dylan? Where are you?

R2 D2 rolls out from behind the dumpster. He’s wearing a black KISS type wig.

R2 D2

I’m right here Emma Stone.

EMMA STONE

What are you doing out here? When did you start talking?

Suddenly, a pack of wild-looking NINJAS drop from the sky like raindrop NINJAS, each wielding deadly swords!

R2 D2

(to Emma Stone)

Look out Emma Stone.

Emma Stone ducks behind the dumpster. R2 D2 takes out a handgun and starts shooting all the ninjas. The NINJAS fall because everyone knows a GUN beats NINJAS. In the process of the shootout, R2 D2’s wig falls off his head.

R2 D2

Oh no! My wig fell off my head. My cover is blown!

One of the ninjas looks up from the pool of blood he is lying in.

NINJA

Wait…you’re…an…android? You’re not Gene Simmons?

R2 D2

That’s right.

NINJA

I’m gonna tell.

R2 D2 picks up his wig and places it back on top of his head. He rolls over to the ninja.

R2 D2

You’re going to have a hard time telling anybody anything without a face.

R2 D2 shoots the ninjas face off.

CUT TO:

————————

As you can see, this might be my most powerful and intimate script yet! Don’t wait because this is gonna get sold in a hurry! If you’d like to read the entire script or want to buy it straight up from this sample, contact me NOW!

Dee Collins

townofcoma@hotmail.com

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Queries and Quislings

Aug. 24 Living no comments

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,

I don’t want to die. I know that no one wants to die but I am really afraid of getting old and dying. How do I stop myself from dying? I eat right, exercise and I am considering gene therapy. I just need a solution to keep myself from growing old which will eventually lead to dying.

Sincerely,

Fear and dying

Query Guy:

Dear FAD,
For eons mankind has floundered on the beach of immortality, which lead to a spate of tiresome vampire books and premium cable shows, as well as the entire vitamin industry.

Many approaches are available to address the fear of death and/or non-immortality.

Cryogenics is logical but is generally unaffordable for your average plebeian. Additionally, you could find your defrosted head reattached to any manner of future robotic insectoids.

Alternately, living each day as it unfurls and not succumbing to trepidations that result in missed meaningful moments with friends, family and endless indulgences may be advisable when becoming a vampire is unavailable.

Or you could just hit it with a Hammer.

As my delicate flower of a spouse has oft advised occupants of our many investment properties who complain about the crumbling infrastructure of their domiciles: Hit that problem with a hammer. A hammer can fix or break anything. It can tear things apart or put them back together. But it is only as good as how vigorously you apply it to the problem.

Hit your dreary dread of death with a hammer, my dear FAD, and enjoy the many luxuries and beauties of this life!

Sincerely, QG

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Podcast: Olympics, American Style

Aug. 22 News, Podcast no comments

It’s time for the Coma Olympics where synchronized lawn mowing and competitive beer gutting sets the stage for some real competition. We’d like to thank our newest sponsor The Coma Landmine Tours and Museum. Take a Landmine tour today. It’ll blow you away.

This is Coma News Daily.
The complete internet news source portal for the Town of Coma.
This episode of Coma News Daily is brought to you by Kale flavored liquid ham. It’s the kale flavor that makes it so delicious.

This week we just keep ‘Getting Serious’ and broadcast from the Coma Grain Elevator and Convention Center which is just like Rio but with less hotwax.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Jonny Reynolds, who is a real reporter, and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis, who does not write news but is attractive enough to read it.

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