Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games
By Jabba the Hutt, Guest Sports Editor, Coma News Daily
I’m Jabba The Hutt. I am not Terry Bradshaw. You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films. But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the fall watching football and eating chicken wings.
Over the years I’ve had some success at accurately picking winners. Like, I’m really, really good at it. So, I’ve decided to start sharing my predictions. I’m grateful to the Town of Coma News for finding some value in offering this to their readers.
Here are my picks for week 1.
Carolina Panthers at Denver Broncos
I like the Panthers to get some revenge and put heavy pressure on the young Broncos’ signal caller. Look for the Panthers to run it up late.
CAROLINA 30 DENVER 13
Before I go any further, I want to address something. It is something that has been bothering me for some time now. I initially submitted this recurring feature to more than 200 news outlets. I thought for sure at least one of them would be like “OMG, YES! We want to be in the Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Business.”
But none of them were interested. They said they were shocked at how juxtaposed my writing was from the colorful character I displayed in the The Star Wars Motion Picture Films.
They wanted me to “ham it up” as it were like a Terry Bradshaw. To be someone I’m not. In real life, I’m not some flashy, fast-talking warlord. I’m a pretty easy-going guy. I’m even on Pinterest. So, you know…I have a wide variety of interests.
Sorry. I had to express myself. Back to my picks…
Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans
Minnesota is still reeling from the loss of their young franchise quarterback. Sean Hill looks like a nice guy with great abs, but I’m going with the home team here who has their own young franchise quarterback.
TENNESSEE 26 MINNESOTA 16
I mean, and again, this is another aside…but, do people expect me to belch and burp all the time? Am I supposed to make Rancor references or talk about how bad Gamorreans smell after a long day in the desert? (they do wear a ridiculous amount of clothing for such a warm climate)
Guess what? Jabba The Hutt is a regular dude. He likes eating Doritos with his Mt. Few and…hitchhiking. I carry around a switchblade like everyone else. So why should my column be any different? It’s hella frustrating.
Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville is going to the playoffs this season. Write that one down. Their march toward the playoffs begins with a win at home over the Green Bay Packers. A much-improved defense is the difference this year for a young Jaguars team.
JACKSONVILLE 27 GREEN BAY 21
I think what people really want is genuine Jabba The Hutt. Not phony Jabba The Hutt.
I understand that once people meet me in person they are a little taken aback by my tone and personality. I always hear “you’re not at all what I expected.”
Well guess what? I’m just being myself. All the time. Sorry if my reality is too much for you to handle media. I even buy lottery tickets! I mean, how much more normal can a guy be? And I grew a moustache for Movember last year. “Oh, why would you do that? You’re Jabba The Hutt?”
BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT MEN’S PROSTATE HEALTH!!!
I wore pink for breast cancer awareness month because just like any other 2000 pound man I really believe boobs are special.
So, I’m sorry. I feel like my prediction article is getting derailed. But, come on.
Time for my final pick of the week…
New England Patriots at Arizona Cardinals
Some say this is a sneak peek at Super Bowl LI. I say it just might be. No Brady? No problem for the Patriots, who strike early and often to earn an impressive road win against one of the NFC’s top teams.
NEW ENGLAND 30 ARIZONA 20