Category: Classified

Classified: Town of Coma News Seeks Weekend Reporter

Newspaper reporter at typewriter


Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.

Buy My Screenplay: Matt Damon Returns In “The Pretty Good Wall”

pretty good wall

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.


My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!

I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.

This movie has everything you want in a movie.  It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!

Below is a sample of one scene.  If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.

I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”


Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.


Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.

               JON HAMM

          Man, I love walls.

               MATT DAMON

          Me too, Jon. Me too.

               JON HAMM

          But I HATE dragons, LOL!

Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.

The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.

               JON HAMM

          My hand keeps cramping up.

               MATT DAMON

          Yeah. I hate that.


          Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.

               JON HAMM

          I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!

Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.

               MATT DAMON

          The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!

The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.

              JON HAMM

          Is that a dragon?

Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.

               MATT DAMON

          No. I think it’s a kite.

Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.

               JON HAMM

          Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.


          Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?

Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!

The two men continue to stare off in the distance.


That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel!  Anyhow, contact me!  Let’s make movies!

Contact Dee Collins at

Double Take Offers Premier Celebrity Lookalikes at Affordable Prices

The following is a paid advertisement

by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC

Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency.  We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!

Double Take 1

ABOVE: Advertisement for Double Take, Coma’s newest celebrity lookalike agency

Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony?  Or maybe a car wash fundraising event?  Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.

Don’t believe me?  See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…


Double Take 3

ABOVE: Anderson Cooper celebrity lookalike, Milar Mlynar wows guests at a recent corporate event

“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”

– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.


Double Take 4

ABOVE: Christian Bale lookalike, Dennis Hornbuckle (center) mingles with guests at Coma Chamber of Commerce’s Summer Mixer

“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours.  I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time.  For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine.  But, it all worked out in the end.”

– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce


Double Take 2

ABOVE: A piece of metal painted to look like a robot (left) served as the C3PO lookalike at a recent ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure.  Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”

– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union

And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation.  You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!


Buy My Screenplay: R2-D2 Stars in ‘Ninja City’

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

Ninja City publish


My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays every day and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay! (for just mid to upper 7 figures!!!)

My latest screenplay, titled ‘Ninja City’,  is hot off the press and ready for sale! It only took me 3 hours to write! It’s ‘Star Wars: Episode II’  meets ‘Serpico’ but with ninjas.

R2-D2 is a down-on-his-luck undercover police officer on the mean streets of Boise, Idaho. His job is to take down the city’s ruthless crime lord and his legion of trained, killer assassins. But R2-D2 is not only fighting the crime lord and his assassins, he’s also dealing with a serious drug addiction, faulty wiring, a corrupt Police Captain and a wife (played by Emma Stone) who is threatening to leave him for a younger and much hotter android.

See below for an excerpt of this amazing movie script! If you want to buy, hit me up and let’s do business for only 1.2 million (in cash not cashier’s checks) this screenplay can be yours!!!


R2-D2 is standing next to a dumpster. There is loud MUSIC coming from a bar nearby. He takes a long drink from a bottle of something strong but doesn’t fall over because he’s a HEAVY ROBOT. EMMA STONE walks out from the bar looking hot and sexy but yet vulnerable.

                              EMMA STONE

R2D2… I mean, Dylan? Where are you?

R2 D2 rolls out from behind the dumpster. He’s wearing a black KISS type wig.

                              R2 D2

I’m right here Emma Stone.

                              EMMA STONE

What are you doing out here? When did you start talking?

Suddenly, a pack of wild-looking NINJAS drop from the sky like raindrop NINJAS, each wielding deadly swords!

                              R2 D2

                             (to Emma Stone)

Look out Emma Stone.

Emma Stone ducks behind the dumpster. R2 D2 takes out a handgun and starts shooting all the ninjas. The NINJAS fall because everyone knows a GUN beats NINJAS. In the process of the shootout, R2 D2’s wig falls off his head.

                              R2 D2

Oh no! My wig fell off my head. My cover is blown!

One of the ninjas looks up from the pool of blood he is lying in.


Wait…you’re…an…android? You’re not Gene Simmons?

                              R2 D2

That’s right.


I’m gonna tell.

R2 D2 picks up his wig and places it back on top of his head. He rolls over to the ninja.

                              R2 D2

You’re going to have a hard time telling anybody anything without a face.

R2 D2 shoots the ninjas face off.



As you can see, this might be my most powerful and intimate script yet! Don’t wait because this is gonna get sold in a hurry! If you’d like to read the entire script or want to buy it straight up from this sample, contact me NOW! 

Dee Collins

Buy My Screenplay: Good Will Hunting 2

good will hunting

World-famous deer-killer Matt Damon really “unloads” in this action-thriller installment of the Good Will Hunting franchise.

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE! And you will too. Set in the remote wilderness of western Nebraska, “Good Will Hunting II: Will Hunts Deer” is an epic tale of survival.


A movie for everyone who was disappointed about how little actual hunting occurred in the first film.


Will is standing in the forest doing math problems on his chalkboard.  Suddenly he looks up and sees a DEER staring at him about 25 yards away. Will freezes in place. His mouth drops open and he begins to tremble.


                    Oh crap.  I hope that’s a friendly deer.

Suddenly, the deer bolts through the woods heading straight toward Will.  Will drops his chalk and takes off running in the opposite direction.


                    Oh no!  What am I going to do?

Will keeps running, dodging trees and jumping over logs.  But the deer is pretty fast and closes the distance.  Will gets to the edge of the forest and stops suddenly.  He looks ahead and sees there is a giant cliff.  Nowhere for him to run!

The deer catches up to him and stops.  The deer SNARLS and begins to GROWL.  Will shakes his head, looks over the cliff and then back to the deer.


                    What am I going to do now?  I think I’ll have to jump off this cliff and hope for the best.



That’s all you get for now!  If you like what you see and want to see this movie on the big screen or just read it on your computer then let’s do business!

Buy My Screenplay ‘Invasion: Fight Til Dawn’

This advertorial does not reflect the views of Coma News Daily

Invasion: Fight Til Dawn

Starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Flo from the Progressive Insurance TV commercials

Earth Battle Wars


I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

THIS IS THE MOVIE HOLLYWOOD DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE! Finally, an apocalyptic alien invasion movie without all the clichés! This big-budget summer blockbuster will make billions of dollars.


Aliens have invaded earth and they aren’t happy! Can a washed-up private investigator (played by Leonardo Dicaprio), and a down-on-her-luck notary public (played by Flo from the Progressive Insurance TV commercials) save the world before it is too late? Maybe. 

Below is a sample of this gut-wrenching, eye-popping disaster epic:


Terror-filled SCREAMS and CRIES FOR HELP ring out across the city as people run and scramble for safety. The scene is complete pandemonium. In the sky, an ALIEN SPACESHIP hovers above one of the many skyscrapers.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO, a washed-up private investigator, takes cover behind an abandoned car in the middle of a chaotic street. By his side is FLO FROM THE PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION.

The alien spaceship shoots laser beams at a large building, creating a HUGE EXPLOSION. Concrete, glass and steel rain down on the street below.


Those aliens are blowing up a bunch of stuff!


What do you think they want?


Same thing everybody wants Flo…




Why do you think they want money?


They are probably holding us ransom until we pay them a bunch of money. Like A LOT.


But what good would our money be to them? I mean…like, what would they spend it on?

The alien spaceship fires another laser beam and destroys a second building. Leonardo and Flo cover their heads as debris from the explosion flies all around them.


I don’t know. Yachts, a nice watch, fancy galas. Same thing all the rich people spend their money on.


What are we going to do?

Leonardo Dicaprio reaches for a chunk of concrete.


We’re going to fight back!

Leonardo Dicaprio stands up and hurls the chunk of concrete as hard as he can at the alien spaceship, hitting it squarely. The spaceship wobbles in the air for a moment, seemingly losing all ability to navigate, before crashing into a large building and exploding.


That’s all for now! If you want to buy this screenplay, get in touch with me immediately.  For a limited time, I’m offering this and “Death Cow” as a package for $650,000! You can’t beat that deal! Don’t wait!

Dee Collins

Buy My Screenplay: No Country For Old Men II





no country for old men 2This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.


My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

THIS IS THE MOVIE THAT YOU WERE BORN TO WATCH! Unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, “No Country for Old Men II: Revenge of the Old Men” is a movie that transcends genre and cannot be defined.


Javier Bardem’s character from “No Country For Old Men” is still on his quest to kill all the country’s old men.  But when he stumbles across a group of crotchety, arthritic geriatrics who won’t go down without a fight, Bardem is pushed to his limits.  Will he manage to kill all the old men who live in the country?  You’ll have to purchase the screenplay to find out.  

“No Country For Old Men 2: Revenge of the Old Men”

Starring Javier Bardem and that guy from “Homeland”


Javier Bardem is lying on the grass in front of a retirement home.  His right arm and both feet have been chopped off.  An Old Man using a walker is shuffling toward him.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

You cut off my feet!

                                   OLD MAN (nameless from Homeland)

Zip your trapper, long hair!

Javier Bardem tries to sit up.  He looks around and sees his gun a few feet away.  He tries to pull himself closer.

                                    JAVIER BARDEM

You cut off my arm!

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

There’s plenty more where that came from Mary.

Javier Bardem continues to pull himself with the only arm he has left toward his gun.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

I’m trying to reach my gun so I can shoot you.

The Old Man quickens his pace, shuffling his feet as he races toward the gun.

                                     OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

Oh, no!  I better get to that gun first so you can’t use it to shoot me.

                                      JAVIER BARDEM

I better try to get to the gun before you do so you don’t hurt me anymore.  It’s like we’re

racing to reach the gun first and whoever wins this race will have a clear advantage over the other person.

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

I’m trying really hard to get to that gun but I don’t know if I can move

fast enough to beat you.  But you’re right about the person getting there first having a clear advantage.

                                   JAVIER BARDEM

I wonder what’s going to happen?  Who do you think will reach the gun first?

                                    OLD MAN (that old guy from Homeland)

I have no clue.  I hope it’s me though.

                                    JAVIER BARDEM

I’m hoping I get there first.

Both men reach the gun at the exact same time!


That’s all I’m going to share!  If you want to buy this screenplay (only 7 million dollars cash or cashier’s check) and find out what happens, get in touch soon!  This is an amazing screenplay that tells the story we really wanted to see in the first movie (and were led to believe would happen based on the title of the film).

Dee Collins

Work Wanted: Full Time Tire Changer


I am a full time tire changer looking for work. Basically, I will ride around in your car all the time. I will hang out in the backseat of your car, eat Funyuns, and drink Mountain Dew. If you get a flat tire you just wake me up. I’ll get out of the car and take care of everything. I’ll remove your flat tire and then put on a spare. You don’t want to be stuck on the side of the road and have to do that stuff yourself. Only $150 per day but will be worth it when your tire goes flat.

Email me and I can be in your backseat tomorrow.