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Living Situation Offer: Small, one-toilet bathroom for rent

Sep. 26 Living no comments

Small, 40 sq.-foot bathroom for rent. Perfect for someone looking for a loft or studio, only this is just a bathroom. There is a sink and shower (no bath) and a pretty good toilet (recently flushed). Small window overlooking the alley. We can negotiate the use of drawers and cabinets. Don’t fuck with my medicine cabinet though! Strictly off limits. Also, if I have to take a shit, you gotta stand in the shower. I don’t like people watching. $400 a month. Let’s make this work!

Dale

broh22@hotmail.com

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Don’t Fear the Landslide

Sep. 20 Living no comments

Sadie Cracker, Coma News Daily columnist

When I moved back to Coma it was for my kids, because I was alone, and also for my father Stan Bargemeyer who after losing my mother decided to intern at Coma News Daily.
My father and I don’t have a lot in common other than the fact that we have both lost a spouse. Sometimes we meet at Bear’s Biker Bar at night for a drink–he gets the decaf and I go for something a little stronger. We meet here because it’s a middle ground and it’s a place where he and I aren’t lost. Him in his mind and me in my grief.
Charlie, the Coma librarian, is standing on the makeshift stage. The Christmas lights are still up and there’s a tree behind him that’s lost a lot of it’s pine needles but still holds on to it’s twinkling lights.

Tonight Charlie sings “Landslide” which still gets to me. On the radio, Coma News Daily is reporting that the Town Council is proposing a new requirement that children wear helmets all the time for “safety purposes”.
“Time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too,” Charlie sings.
“That song isn’t written by Axl Rose.” Stan says.
“No Dad,” I say.
Dad’s memory goes sometimes. He’s on an Axl Rose kick right now and thinks the rocker is one of his neighbors.
He points at Charlie and says to me, “You’re a better singer.”
Charlie nods and keeps singing.
Dad smiles and holds my hand.
“Wish they would keep these kids safer these days,” he says.”We kept you so safe.”
And I laugh and think about the 10-mile bike rides and other activities I would do alone as a kid, and then I think about how I fear little Jimmy riding his bike alone and wonder what happened to this X’ed out generation where we fear everything.
“You are a much better mother than a singer,” Dad says. He looks at Charlie and yells, “She’s a much better singer.”
And Charlie stops playing mid-Landslide and says, “get up here and sing it, Sadie.”
I shake my head. I’m a mom. I’m alone. I’ve forgotten how to sing and play guitar.

“Get up there and sing it, Sadie. Don’t be afraid. Just like I taught you as a kid,” Dad says and gives me kiss on the cheek.
So I stand. There’s only five people in the bar. I know them all and three of them are drunk. I walk up to the stage and Charlie hands me his guitar.

I turn around and the stage lights blind me. I see my father, who’s older now. Time has streaked his cheeks with heavy lines. I am sixteen again. I am wearing a too small Nirvana tee shirt. I am in a bar with my guitar. I am Debbie Harry. I am Joan Jett. I am. I am gonna rock this joint. I am.
I am older, too, and I don’t know what to play. My mind is blank. I don’t know what to sing.
“Just sing already.” a drunk biker yells.
“You got it, Sadie,” Charlie says.

I am Cyndi Lauper?
And so I strum the only thing that comes to mind ‘Time after Time,’ because that’s what I sing to the boys at night because I am not Debbie Harry anymore. These days I am just here to catch little people when they fall. Dad stands. He’s clapping. This is embarrassing.
Bear is behind the bar and he starts singing with me. Charlie walks up to the stage and stands beside me too.
“If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting, Time after Time…”

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Another Bigfoot Sighting Leaves City Leaders Baffled

Sep. 20 News no comments

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson called a special meeting of the Town Council this week after the second Corporate Bigfoot sighting in a month left businessmen in the community baffled and concerned.

According to at least two eyewitnesses, the most recent sighting occurred at Dahl’s Menswear late last week, where the suspected cryptozoological creature was seen trying on jackets, pants and a selection of ties. Eventually, the creature grew frustrated when the store manager, Isaac Best, was unable to find appropriate-sized shoes.

Above: Artist sketch of what witnesses claim is a Bigfoot that recently tried on several blazers and sportscoats at Dahl’s Menswear in Coma

“We are looking into this matter and consider it a top priority,” Anderson said. “At this point, we don’t know if we are dealing with one bigfoot or two bigfoot. Wait, would it be Bigfeet if there were more than one? That sounds right but I’m going to have to have somebody look into that.”

Local cryptozoology expert, futurist and mortuary owner, Micah Horncraft, said that while it is unusual for the creature to enter men’s clothing stores and try on a variety of outfits, it is not unheard of. Usually, Horncraft said, the animals simply are looking for great deals on menswear.

“Corporate Bigfoot are not much different than your typical business professional,” Horncraft said. “Besides lacking any human language skills or education and suffering frequent fecal saturation, they still want to look sharp for the next meeting or important luncheon.”

Mayor Anderson said he hopes the Town Council will agree to create a special committee to look into the details of the shopping spree.

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Jabba The Hutt Picks Football Games- Week 2

Sep. 16 Sports no comments

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 2

Last Week- 1 – 3

Season- 1 – 3

I’m Jabba The Hutt. You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films. But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

Last week was not kind to Jabba The Hutt. For the record, I’m totally cool with people just calling me “Jabba”. Adding “The Hutt” seems a big formal and even, dare I say, tedious? See? I really am just this totally chill, laid back dude.

So, it’s time for Jabba to get well this week. Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans

Both teams looked pretty good at times last week. I’m going with the home team in this one because I think the teams are evenly matched and if that’s the case, Jabba always goes with the home team.

HOUSTON 23 KANSAS CITY 21

Last Tuesday I had coffee with my friend Amanaman at this cozy, fun little coffee shop in the Modarian System. “What?!! Jabba The Hutt has coffee with friends at cozy, fun little coffee shops???!!!” Yes, he does. Because he is a low-key, down-to-earth kind of guy. Just a regular dude who is just as comfortable snapping towels in the locker room as he is sipping craft beers on a yacht. He’s not an ogre, douchebag.

New Orleans Saints at New York Giants

Two powerful offenses and two questionable defenses. Jabba smells high-scoring affair! Although, that could just be Hermi Odle I smell. Haha! Hoho! Jabba is kidding about that, but you know what I mean!

I think the Giants defense has improved and that will be enough to pull out the victory and go to 2 – 0.

NEW YORK 39 NEW ORLEANS 34

Have I ever told you guys about my on-going legal dispute with Pizza Hut? I may not have time to go into it completely here, but…let’s just say it’s getting ugly. For nearly 35 years I’ve been getting their mail and they have been getting mine. I make one simple request for them to change their name and they refuse! I even gave them some cool suggestions. Like, “Pizza Garage”, “Pizza Yurt”, “Pizza Industrial Complex” and many, many more. They are a bunch of assholes. But, I digress…

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins

Both teams struggled last week. I think the rookie Elliott goes for big yards on the ground, but it won’t be enough to beat an underwhelming, yet talented, Washington squad looking to make amends for their Monday night performance.

WASHINGTON 20 DALLAS 16

Of course Pizza Hut said I should have to change MY name! My LEGAL name. I was born with that name. They made their name up to sell a few pizzas. And technically, they aren’t even a hut. Most of their franchises are in strip malls or small, modular buildings. Have these motherfuckers ever seen a hut? How about “Pizza Small, Non-Descript Building”? At least that’s more accurate.

Anyways, I have to go to court next week because we’re filing a new injunction. “Oh, wait a second! Jabba The Hutt knows big fancy legal words like ‘injunction’?” Yes he does! Like why would that even be a surprise? I’ve got my shit together. Jabba The Hutt is a cool, laid-back dude that has his shit together. Alright, my last pick for the week…

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings

Both teams survived close games against less-talented AFC South teams on the road last week. Vikings got a lot of help from their defense. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t make a lot of mistakes. Close game will come down to final play, but I like the road team in this one.

GREEN BAY 27 MINNESOTA 24

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Artifacts: Domesticated Wolverine

Sep. 15 Living no comments

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Artifacts: Dinosaurs

Sep. 13 Living no comments

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Mayor Forgets Where He Put Copy of Budget

Sep. 09 News no comments

The town of Coma’s planned budget review was derailed last night when Coma mayor Dave Anderson admitted to council members he had misplaced copies of the proposed annual budget.

Claiming he may have accidentally used it to sketch pictures of futuristic car designs during a recent meeting, Anderson stopped short of offering a full-blown apology and suggested the budget review continue based on “odds and ends” he remembered from the nearly 400-page document.

“I like to sketch flying cars,” the mayor told the council during the three-hour meeting. “If that makes me a bad person, then…I guess I’m a bad person.”

While several council members grilled the mayor repeatedly about the incident, Anderson deflected the criticism and focused instead on his conceptual drawings.

“I’m doing designs that are probably 20 to 30 years ahead of their time,” Anderson told a confused-looking council. “I’m conceptualizing four-door sedans that can fly. Nobody else is doing sketches like that. Last week I sketched a flying 1998 Kia Concord! People don’t have the balls to sketch the types of flying cars I do. And all you guys care about is where the stupid budget went? Priorities much?”

ABOVE: Mayor Anderson’s conceptual drawing of 1998 Kia Concord

One council member, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed immense frustration at the irresponsible behavior of the town’s elected leader. “He is betraying his fiduciary responsibilities in favor of child-like musings and poorly-crafted aircraft designs,” the council member said. “From strictly an engineering standpoint, most of those craft could not safely take flight or stay air-born for very long. Maybe 20 seconds. Maybe.”

Anderson told council members he recalled “pieces” from the proposed budget, including “a few hundo” for small equipment purchases by the parks department. Ultimately, the budget review was postponed until next week to give Anderson time to find the budget.

“It’s probably buried somewhere in my ‘dream locker’, which is where I keep my sketches and drawings and predictions about stuff,” Anderson said.

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