The following piece represents the opinion of a citizen of the Town of Coma but does not represent the views of Coma News Daily.

“I think Axl Rose is singing Christmas Carols in my neighborhood but I’m not sure it’s him.”

Opinion by Stan Bargmeyer, widower and Coma News Intern

I think popular national recording artist and former “Guns & Roses” front-man Axl Rose is part of a roving group of Christmas carolers that have been strolling through my neighborhood this week but I’m not one-hundred percent sure it’s him.
Axl Rose does do singing for a job so it’s not weird that he would be singing in his spare time. But I don’t know that he would be hanging out in my neighborhood singing “Joy to the World”.
The guy whose singing carols in my neighborhood has gray hair and a big, bushy beard. I don’t think Axl Rose has gray hair but it’s been a while since I saw a recent photograph so you never know if his hair changed color or if he dyed it gray.
Also, I think the guy singing carols in my neighborhood is married to this woman who lives a few houses down from me. She has two grown children from a previous marriage but recently re-married. I don’t think Axl Rose recently married a fat young lady from Coma, but again, I’ve not seen a lot about him in the newspaper recently so maybe he did.
One night last week after they sang “Come All Ye Faithful” at my door and were walking away, I yelled “AXL!” as loud as I could. The guy with the gray beard turned around and looked at me for a second. That makes me think it could be him because I called his name and he turned around and looked back.

So I guess there’s really no way to know for sure if the guy singing Christmas Carols in my neighborhood this week is Axl Rose or not. It would be kind of neat if it was. Oh well. Merry Christmas anyway.

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The following piece represents the opinion of a citizen of the Town of Coma but does not represent the views of Coma News Daily.

Robert Smith-Smith, former Town Council member

My time in elected office has come to an abrupt end and I have had to unexpectedly open a new chapter in the Book of Bob.
I briefly wondered what I would even call this new stage in my life.
Well, today I have that answer.
For so many years our town’s hardware, beer and grocery stores have been filled with old people looking to communicate with anyone while incidentally operating a cash register.
Successful as this arrangement has been at fostering protracted conversations among senior citizens in the checkout lines throughout the town’s stores, something has been missing.
Sure, you can find out why your fellow senior is purchasing more prunes than usual or which sore appendage is acting up these days. But less and less is known about how our adolescent and young adult residents are faring.

Would you like a quick ironic snapchat with your egg purchase? A Bob’s Mart cashier can help you out.

Our town’s seniors have almost limitless numbers of lessons and observations to share with our town’s youth but how can we hope to pin down youngsters long enough to share these insights?
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind (gonna share that with a millenial) at your local grocery store. My establishment, Bob’s Mart, has decided to employ only young people at our checkout counters.
No longer will a cashier at my grocery store talk with you about subjects you already know all about, like bunyons or his hair loss. Instead, cashiers at Bob’s Mart will give you real time spoken updates of their Twitter status about #poop, detail their latest Tinder hook up, snapchat your groceries, or discuss their online gamer rankings. And in exchange you can impart the wisdom of your years. Every last bit of which will be ignored by a millennial whose face stares at the iPhone screen mindlessly updating social media about the kind of socks they are wearing and now Norm-core they are and how their head hurts from trying to drink a mountain dew while doing a handstand.

While you wait to check out.
So enjoy the new Bob’s. I know I will.

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By Stan Bargemeyer
A lot of people ask me, “Stan, how do you make your world famous sausage?”
So I tell them: It’s easy if you follow the directions.

The great thing about sausage is you can purchase it from any store. I like to go to Jimmy’s Grocery near the water tower in Coma because their coffee is pretty good and a lot of times I’ll see my friend Donald outside sitting on his Rascal. If you bring Donald some peanuts he’ll actually drive his rascal right in to the store and get you whatever you need.
Sometimes, I don’t have him go in for me because I like to go chit chat with little Jimmie Thompson, who bags the groceries. Jimmie is 80 years old and has a bunion on his left toe that causes him all kinds of pain all the time. I like to tell him home remedies like soaking it in pickle juice and marshmallows. I’ve also suggested he just take a pocket knife to the sucker and cut it off but Jimmie has a blood clotting problem and swears he’d bleed to death. But I don’t believe him because Jimmie’s lied for 80 years.
Then it’s time to pick the sausage. It depends on what I am feeling like. Hot? Mild? Italian?
Within a couple hours I get back home to cook the sausage, then there are just a few more easy steps:

1) take the sausage out of the wrapping
2) cook it on the stove

Careful, it’s hot!

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By Dr. Jimmy, Coma Pysician, Sometimes Raver

This column was going to tell you all how we are increasingly like our digital avatars on any of a number of online destinations: constantly racing to the next upgrade and casting aspersions on any who dare to fall behind in the digital rat race.

We stopped looking at fashion beyond the 90s because 2000s and 2010s are retreads of all of the old trends. See graph above.

But since my whole point in this space is to let you know I’m going back to basics I’ll just drop all of the Internet-related bullshit.
So lets talk socks. I’m done upgrading mine. If med school taught me anything other than how to score mind-blowing drugs (joking, you DEA turds) it’s that everything in life has a cycle. Our society’s sock dial has moved to black. Dr. Jimmy’s socks are gonna go ahead and stay white. People who are in versions 2.0 or 3.0 of their lives may think I’m a pretty lame dude. But the joke’s actually on people who prioritize such things because I’m actually an early adopter (augh, the Internetspeak has taken over our language) and ahead of the next white sock fashion wave.
Same goes for hair. Do I have a full head of hair? No. Am I going to go all Kojack? Also, no.

A great way to buck fashion trends is to understand that spandex goes with anything and you can never have enough wife beater style shirts.

Bucking overwhelming fashion trends takes the icy hot calm of a captain whose ship is in the midst of a maelstrom. While those around you are losing collective frickin’ minds you have to stay calm and maintain a steady course.

You know this storm shall pass and that safe harbor lies just over the horizon in the form of a baggy pair of acid washed jeans.
Until you get there, enjoy the ride.

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Stan Bargemeyer

Being 75 does not mean you have to stop understanding new gadgets or trends. I remember when Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon,  when Equal was created as an artificial sweetener and when Magnum PI began and ended but I can still get hip with the kids, get my “fro yo” on (that’s cold yogurt) or take a selfie.

I was concerned that taking a selfie would be unsafe if you consider radiation from the phone or falling if you try to take a selfie while you walk but through my research and from trying to take a selfie on my own I found it is very safe.

Taking a selfie is not hard to do and is very safe for anyone at any age.

The selfie is when you take a picture of yourself and you can’t get hurt when you take it.

“A selfie is to show people the real you unfiltered.” says Bob Smith-Smith my friend. Bob is a member of the Coma Town council so I believe him.

First I took a picture of a tree.  Then I took a picture of a kid peeing on my grass. Then I took a picture of my car, a bunyon on my foot and my knee blisters.

But I couldn’t figure out how to take a picture of my face.

“You have to turn the camera image so you see yourself in phone and then take the picture.”  my friend Bob said. So I turned the camera up over my head, to the side, bent down and tried to take the picture and got stuck in a squat position but finally it worked.

Here’s my picture:

This is not a selfie of Stan Bargemeyer. This is a selfie of a small Sloth making a duck face. Stan Bargemeyer could not actually provide us with the selfie he supposedly took for this opinion piece.

I did not get hurt or lose a limb.  No, taking a selfie is not dangerous or scary at all.

Stan Bargemeyer is a Coma News intern and also a self proclaimed town historian.

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