Category: News

Study Sheds Light on People Named Dog Bone

dog bone study

By Coma News Staff

A study released by the Coma Institute for Research & Understanding Things (CIRUT) suggests that people with the name Dog Bone are seven percent more likely to own a gas-powered chainsaw and 162 percent more likely to sever a limb with a chainsaw than people who are not named Dog Bone.

“This study will undoubtedly give parents pause before they name a child Dog Bone,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma town physician.

Dr. Jimmy conducted the study as part of a national grant he received to “study” important things related to Coma with researchers at CIRUT.

The study found that people named Dog Bone have a greater chance of having a tattoo on their neck or face and are more likely not to  “give a damn” about “stupid bullshit” like math, individual retirement accounts or proper dental hygiene.

The study was conducted over the course of 36-weeks and had one participant.  Researchers said they would have preferred to include more participants in the study but could only find one person in Coma named Dog Bone.

“It would have been nice to have more subjects,” Dr. Jimmy said.

The full report will be released later this month.

Dog Bone Higgens refused to comment saying he “doesn’t give a damn about stupid bullshit.” like a news article.

 

Town to Ban Best Part of Waking Up

By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

 

Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.

In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.

This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.

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The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.

The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.

Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.

The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.

All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.

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Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.

Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”

The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.

Weight, Weight Do Tell Me

If a tree falls in the forest but no one posts online about it, did it really happen?
Coma residents’ latest–and best–answer to that age-old question came from Dee Collins.
On the heels of her Facebook posts that changed the mind of one voter (who did not vote) in the last election, Collins is now changing hearts and minds about their health–or at least their weight.
After posting 872 times about how she actually needed to lose weight but didn’t want to stop “drinking unlimited Jack and cokes” the unbelievable happened. She lost weight.
“It’s amazing what the stomach flu will do,” said Collins. “I couldn’t eat and I lost three pounds. Turns out the key to weight loss is not eating so much or drinking alcohol.”
weightloss
Collins went directly to Facebook to let everyone know that they too could lose weight if they have a really bad stomach flu.
“I’ve seen most of her posts. But I missed this one because I had unfollowed her after all the political rants and weightloss diatribes made me nuts,” said Sadie Cracker.
When told by Coma News staff that she’d been unfollowed for posting too much Collins said, “By who? I’m gonna find them and tie up their family or something. My Facebook posts are too important to be ignored.”
Coma News contacted local physician Dr. Jimmy for his thoughts on flu and weight loss to find out if it is an actual alternative to eating a healthy diet.
“Any time you stop eating and drinking so much you will lose weight,” said Dr. Jimmyintermittentfasting. “Unfortunately the flu doesn’t last forever, so Dee will gain all the weight back and then some once she starts drinking again.
While some town residents think of Collins’ Facebook posts as a trainwreck, Dr. Jimmy is excited.
“These posts are a font of new material for my latest submission to the DSM on a new disorder I call acute finger sniffing euphoria,” Dr Jimmy said. “Thank you Internet.”

Senior Parade Mistaken for Zombie Attack

By Coma News Daily Staff


A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.

The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
That is why it may not have been wholly unexpected that at 2am–12 hours after the parade’s start–that Marybell Davis, a local online detective, was awoken by the sounds of groaning and shuffling feet and attempted to alert area defense officials.
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“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.
The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”

When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.

“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”

In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.

Advertorial: Vistas, Excitement, Weddings!

by Coma News staff

Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.

11 COMA LANDMINE TOURS AD

There’s nothing better than a destination wedding and Coma Landmine Tours and Museum aims to be the premiere destination for nuptials.

“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!

“Suspiciously Tall” Man Asked to Leave Town Tour

by Coma News Staff

An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.

“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”

According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.

“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”

ABOVE: Tour Guide, Micah Horncraft, stands near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot where he recently removed a “suspiciously” tall guest. “A guy that tall’s got to be hiding something,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”

Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”

“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”

Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”

“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”

Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.

 

Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’

Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
Screen-Shot-2012-06-12-at-11.04.53-PM
Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees? 
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!

Coma Author Releases New Children’s Book

hooper

By Coma News Daily Staff

The latest offering from popular children’s author Dee Collins tells the story of Mr. Hooper, a down-on-his-luck farmer whose body is covered in lesion-like sores.

The story revolves around Mr. Hooper and a young school boy named Porter, who is visiting from the city.

“I wanted to tell a story that would make young children question every decision they have ever made up to that point in their life,” Collins said.  “I think I did that with this story.”

Throughout the story, Porter attempts to determine if Mr. Hooper has sores covering his arms, hands and face or if it’s something else altogether.  The young man cannot determine whether the apparent lesions are contagious and must navigate several awkward scenarios in which Mr. Hooper makes him a bread sandwich, offers multiple high-fives and attempts to teach him how to properly shake hands.

sore or something other pages 1sore or something other pages 2

“The thing is, we never really know what these disgusting, puss-filled lesions are exactly,” Collins said.  “The whole story will help children challenge conventional wisdom and make them explore their definition of sores, disease, viral infection, bacteria and even leprosy.”

Collins’ favorite part of the book features Mr. Hooper and Porter standing at the kitchen sink after working in the fields all day.  Mr. Hooper washes his face and hands and then dries them with a towel and then hands the towel to Porter.

“It is a turning point in the story,” offered Collins.  “This young man is faced with having to decide if he should air dry his face and hands or use the towel.  These are the sorts of dilemma’s children face every day.  This stuff is real-life, ripped-from-the-headlines material.”

Mr. Hooper Has A Sore Or Something” is 28 pages and will be available nationwide through traditional classified advertising ads.