Category: News

Weight, Weight Do Tell Me

If a tree falls in the forest but no one posts online about it, did it really happen?
Coma residents’ latest–and best–answer to that age-old question came from Dee Collins.
On the heels of her Facebook posts that changed the mind of one voter (who did not vote) in the last election, Collins is now changing hearts and minds about their health–or at least their weight.
After posting 872 times about how she actually needed to lose weight but didn’t want to stop “drinking unlimited Jack and cokes” the unbelievable happened. She lost weight.
“It’s amazing what the stomach flu will do,” said Collins. “I couldn’t eat and I lost three pounds. Turns out the key to weight loss is not eating so much or drinking alcohol.”
Collins went directly to Facebook to let everyone know that they too could lose weight if they have a really bad stomach flu.
“I’ve seen most of her posts. But I missed this one because I had unfollowed her after all the political rants and weightloss diatribes made me nuts,” said Sadie Cracker.
When told by Coma News staff that she’d been unfollowed for posting too much Collins said, “By who? I’m gonna find them and tie up their family or something. My Facebook posts are too important to be ignored.”
Coma News contacted local physician Dr. Jimmy for his thoughts on flu and weight loss to find out if it is an actual alternative to eating a healthy diet.
“Any time you stop eating and drinking so much you will lose weight,” said Dr. Jimmyintermittentfasting. “Unfortunately the flu doesn’t last forever, so Dee will gain all the weight back and then some once she starts drinking again.
While some town residents think of Collins’ Facebook posts as a trainwreck, Dr. Jimmy is excited.
“These posts are a font of new material for my latest submission to the DSM on a new disorder I call acute finger sniffing euphoria,” Dr Jimmy said. “Thank you Internet.”

Senior Parade Mistaken for Zombie Attack

By Coma News Daily Staff

A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.

The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
That is why it may not have been wholly unexpected that at 2am–12 hours after the parade’s start–that Marybell Davis, a local online detective, was awoken by the sounds of groaning and shuffling feet and attempted to alert area defense officials.
“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.
The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”

When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.

“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”

In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.

Advertorial: Vistas, Excitement, Weddings!

by Coma News staff

Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.


There’s nothing better than a destination wedding and Coma Landmine Tours and Museum aims to be the premiere destination for nuptials.

“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!

“Suspiciously Tall” Man Asked to Leave Town Tour

by Coma News Staff

An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.

“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”

According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.

“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”

ABOVE: Tour Guide, Micah Horncraft, stands near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot where he recently removed a “suspiciously” tall guest. “A guy that tall’s got to be hiding something,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”

Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”

“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”

Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”

“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”

Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.


Breaking: Stimulating Success at ‘Coma News’

Editorial note: Although the following is not strictly news, the publisher of Coma News believes the time-sensitive insights contained here-in may provide benefits for all Coma employers.
Why would a group of hard-charging journalists be sitting in a circle on the floor of a Coma News conference room playing spin the bottle?
Because we care enough about this town to do whatever it takes to build the teamwork and creativity needed for quality journalism. And because I said so.
I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I asked Robert Duvall to come and explain the newsroom to my reporters but his schedule is such that he cannot come to Coma News until late next year.

I can’t take all the credit for the workplace make out session. In truth, it was the latest in a long string of activities urged by various “creativity consultants” that we have sought help from to turn around a moribund industry.
This latest effort to stimulate our editorial staff followed previous initiatives that alternately used group chanting, pillow fights and public games of tag.
Such efforts are necessary because unlike the Coma News sales staff, which are motivated by vulgar cash bonus checks and luxury vacations, reporters and editors require encouragement commensurate with their professional virtues as truth seekers. That’s probably why getting through to them is a bit like herding cats.
So what lessons do I have to share with my fellow Coma business leaders regarding hard-to-reach employees? 
Despite some interesting results from the various team building exercises, I have found editorial staff productivity is most consistently tied to the quantity and variety of stimulants provided.
I have insisted that the entire editorial staff regularly consume coffee, cigarettes and ADHD medication. Additionally, a small slush fund is available for employees to pursue their own gray market stimulants.
I know it’s not shiny and new but I’ll be damned if the old pay-the-canal-builders-in-whiskey trick isn’t still consistently the most productive!
Far well and good profiting!

Coma Author Releases New Children’s Book


By Coma News Daily Staff

The latest offering from popular children’s author Dee Collins tells the story of Mr. Hooper, a down-on-his-luck farmer whose body is covered in lesion-like sores.

The story revolves around Mr. Hooper and a young school boy named Porter, who is visiting from the city.

“I wanted to tell a story that would make young children question every decision they have ever made up to that point in their life,” Collins said.  “I think I did that with this story.”

Throughout the story, Porter attempts to determine if Mr. Hooper has sores covering his arms, hands and face or if it’s something else altogether.  The young man cannot determine whether the apparent lesions are contagious and must navigate several awkward scenarios in which Mr. Hooper makes him a bread sandwich, offers multiple high-fives and attempts to teach him how to properly shake hands.

sore or something other pages 1sore or something other pages 2

“The thing is, we never really know what these disgusting, puss-filled lesions are exactly,” Collins said.  “The whole story will help children challenge conventional wisdom and make them explore their definition of sores, disease, viral infection, bacteria and even leprosy.”

Collins’ favorite part of the book features Mr. Hooper and Porter standing at the kitchen sink after working in the fields all day.  Mr. Hooper washes his face and hands and then dries them with a towel and then hands the towel to Porter.

“It is a turning point in the story,” offered Collins.  “This young man is faced with having to decide if he should air dry his face and hands or use the towel.  These are the sorts of dilemma’s children face every day.  This stuff is real-life, ripped-from-the-headlines material.”

Mr. Hooper Has A Sore Or Something” is 28 pages and will be available nationwide through traditional classified advertising ads.

Support Group For Rare Photogenic Disorder Offers Hope to Many

by Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft decided enough was enough. After years of having his photo taken and being constantly disappointed in the results, Horncraft thought there had to be a better way. Horncraft deals with a rare condition known as Startled Retentive Photogenic Disorder, or SRPD for short.

Like others who suffer from SRPD, things like selfies and photos at family get togethers can cause anxiety and stress.

“I look incredibly surprised in every photo,” Horncraft said. “I realize my picture is being taken. I am looking at the camera when it happens. And yet, my photos always make me look like I’m totally caught off guard.”

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ABOVE: Horncraft (far right), mingles with other SRPD survivors at a recent support group meeting

Horncraft has started a support group for those who suffer from SRPD. The group recently held their second meeting that attracted more than a dozen participants who shared stories about their experiences in living with this rare condition.

According to local physician, Dr. Jimmy, SRPD can strike at any age, last for many years and cause debilitating side effects.

Some of those side effects include a reluctance to be photographed, some light-to-nonexistent anxiety regarding cameras or smartphones and a “constant” surprise at seeing how startled you look in every photograph.

“There is a saying in the SRPD community,” Dr. Jimmy said. “We may look shocked, but we’re likely just mildly surprised. Treat us like other humans.”

Horncraft, who has battled SRPD for nearly five years, said he decided to start the support group because he was tired of being the “most surprised-looking guy in every photo.”

“There had to be other people that deal with this disorder,” Horncraft said. “I thought it would be good to get together. If you take pictures of us together, it might not look so unusual. Maybe people would think we were just told the world is ending in five minutes or something. You never know.”

Horncraft first began to notice symptoms of SRPD following a family reunion in 2011. As he looked through photographs of the event he realized he appeared somewhat confused or slightly bewildered in every photo.

srpd 3

ABOVE: Horncraft (far left) first discovered the severity of his condition at a friend’s wedding in 2011

“That’s how it starts,” Dr. Jimmy said. “The early stages of SRPD generally include a confused expression. It looks like the subject doesn’t quite understand the technology or the concept of photography.”

It was in the fall of 2011 that Horncraft’s condition took a dramatic turn. As a member of a friend’s wedding party, Horncraft was repeatedly photographed throughout the day. The wedding photographer pulled him aside at one point and asked him if everything was all right. The photographer then shared many of the photos with Horncraft, who was shocked to see his repeatedly shocked expression.

“I think I’m smiling in the photos,” Horncraft said. “Like, I realize they are taking my picture. I think I’m presenting a normal expression, but I’m not.”

Horncraft said he has learned to live with the condition and has made some improvements. With precise and severe concentration, he can maintain a “mildly confused” look in most photographs. But relapses still occur and Horncraft is hopeful the SRPD support group can help each other living with the rare condition.

“My hope is that by sharing stories and photos of our experiences we can help each other to live normal lives,” Horncraft said. “Ultimately, we just want to be treated like normal people and not be cropped out of every Facebook post.”

The SRPD support group meets every Tuesday at 7 p.m. at the Coma Community Center.

srpd front page

ABOVE: A group of SRPD survivors gather at a recent support group meeting. Horncraft said he hopes the meetings will offer hope to the many people afflicted with the rare condition

Rare Hollywood Merchandise Goes on Sale this Weekend

by Coma New Staff

Just in time for the Academy Awards, local memorabilia collector Dee Collins announced this week she is selling select pieces of her vast collection of extremely rare Hollywood merchandise.

“These are pieces that capture some of the most memorable moments in film making history,” Collins said. “The craftsmanship, quality and nostalgia are impeccable.”

english patient soap dispenser

ABOVE: “The English Patient” hand-soap dispenser features actor Ralph Fiennes as the lovable burn victim.

Among the items Collins is offering is a throw pillow featuring Leonardo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass from the film “The Revenant,” a limited-edition “Benjamin Button” lampshade, an imported hand-soap dispenser featuring Ralph Fiennes as the burn victim from “The English Patient” and a Talented Mr. Ripley’s Chef’s Choice Diamond Hone Electric Knife Sharpener 310 featuring Matt Damon as Tom Ripley.

According to Collins, it is not uncommon for film studios to make limited-runs of merchandise to help promote their films. Collins has spent years building her collection, which also includes a “Howard’s End” toothbrush set, a comforter featuring the cast of “The Insider” and a beer cozy from the film “Milk” featuring Sean Penn as Harvey Milk.

the revenant throw pillow

ABOVE: The intensity of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar-winning performance is captured perfectly in this cozy, soft throw pillow.

Collins said she has spent nearly 15 years assembling her collection and hopes to one day open a museum dedicated to motion pictures and film memorabilia. Part of her motivation for selling select pieces now is to raise money to help make that dream come true.

Talented mr ripley knife sharpener

ABOVE: This electric knife sharpener was part of a limited “The Talented Mr. Ripley” series of knife sharpeners that also included Jude Law and Kate Blanchett.

“I want a place for people to go and be able to see things like a child’s sippy cup featuring the movie poster for ‘Cold Mountain,” Collins said. “I want to create that magical experience for people who love movies as much as I do.”

Collins, who is a noted children’s author and who has scripted more than 400 screenplays, said the sale will run through this weekend to coincide with the Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday. Prices range from $500 to $2,500 for more rare items.

benjamin button lamp shade

ABOVE: Brad Pitt’s famous turn as the adorable Benjamin Button is forever memorialized on this exquisite and stylish lamp shade.