A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.
The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”
When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.
“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”
In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.
Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.
“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!
by Coma News Staff
An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.
“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”
According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.
“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”
Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”
“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”
Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”
“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”
Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”
“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”
Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.
The latest offering from popular children’s author Dee Collins tells the story of Mr. Hooper, a down-on-his-luck farmer whose body is covered in lesion-like sores.
The story revolves around Mr. Hooper and a young school boy named Porter, who is visiting from the city.
“I wanted to tell a story that would make young children question every decision they have ever made up to that point in their life,” Collins said. “I think I did that with this story.”
Throughout the story, Porter attempts to determine if Mr. Hooper has sores covering his arms, hands and face or if it’s something else altogether. The young man cannot determine whether the apparent lesions are contagious and must navigate several awkward scenarios in which Mr. Hooper makes him a bread sandwich, offers multiple high-fives and attempts to teach him how to properly shake hands.
“The thing is, we never really know what these disgusting, puss-filled lesions are exactly,” Collins said. “The whole story will help children challenge conventional wisdom and make them explore their definition of sores, disease, viral infection, bacteria and even leprosy.”
Collins’ favorite part of the book features Mr. Hooper and Porter standing at the kitchen sink after working in the fields all day. Mr. Hooper washes his face and hands and then dries them with a towel and then hands the towel to Porter.
“It is a turning point in the story,” offered Collins. “This young man is faced with having to decide if he should air dry his face and hands or use the towel. These are the sorts of dilemma’s children face every day. This stuff is real-life, ripped-from-the-headlines material.”
“Mr. Hooper Has A Sore Or Something” is 28 pages and will be available nationwide through traditional classified advertising ads.
by Coma News Staff
Micah Horncraft decided enough was enough. After years of having his photo taken and being constantly disappointed in the results, Horncraft thought there had to be a better way. Horncraft deals with a rare condition known as Startled Retentive Photogenic Disorder, or SRPD for short.
Like others who suffer from SRPD, things like selfies and photos at family get togethers can cause anxiety and stress.
“I look incredibly surprised in every photo,” Horncraft said. “I realize my picture is being taken. I am looking at the camera when it happens. And yet, my photos always make me look like I’m totally caught off guard.”
Horncraft has started a support group for those who suffer from SRPD. The group recently held their second meeting that attracted more than a dozen participants who shared stories about their experiences in living with this rare condition.
According to local physician, Dr. Jimmy, SRPD can strike at any age, last for many years and cause debilitating side effects.
Some of those side effects include a reluctance to be photographed, some light-to-nonexistent anxiety regarding cameras or smartphones and a “constant” surprise at seeing how startled you look in every photograph.
“There is a saying in the SRPD community,” Dr. Jimmy said. “We may look shocked, but we’re likely just mildly surprised. Treat us like other humans.”
Horncraft, who has battled SRPD for nearly five years, said he decided to start the support group because he was tired of being the “most surprised-looking guy in every photo.”
“There had to be other people that deal with this disorder,” Horncraft said. “I thought it would be good to get together. If you take pictures of us together, it might not look so unusual. Maybe people would think we were just told the world is ending in five minutes or something. You never know.”
Horncraft first began to notice symptoms of SRPD following a family reunion in 2011. As he looked through photographs of the event he realized he appeared somewhat confused or slightly bewildered in every photo.
“That’s how it starts,” Dr. Jimmy said. “The early stages of SRPD generally include a confused expression. It looks like the subject doesn’t quite understand the technology or the concept of photography.”
It was in the fall of 2011 that Horncraft’s condition took a dramatic turn. As a member of a friend’s wedding party, Horncraft was repeatedly photographed throughout the day. The wedding photographer pulled him aside at one point and asked him if everything was all right. The photographer then shared many of the photos with Horncraft, who was shocked to see his repeatedly shocked expression.
“I think I’m smiling in the photos,” Horncraft said. “Like, I realize they are taking my picture. I think I’m presenting a normal expression, but I’m not.”
Horncraft said he has learned to live with the condition and has made some improvements. With precise and severe concentration, he can maintain a “mildly confused” look in most photographs. But relapses still occur and Horncraft is hopeful the SRPD support group can help each other living with the rare condition.
“My hope is that by sharing stories and photos of our experiences we can help each other to live normal lives,” Horncraft said. “Ultimately, we just want to be treated like normal people and not be cropped out of every Facebook post.”
The SRPD support group meets every Tuesday at 7 p.m. at the Coma Community Center.
by Coma New Staff
Just in time for the Academy Awards, local memorabilia collector Dee Collins announced this week she is selling select pieces of her vast collection of extremely rare Hollywood merchandise.
“These are pieces that capture some of the most memorable moments in film making history,” Collins said. “The craftsmanship, quality and nostalgia are impeccable.”
Among the items Collins is offering is a throw pillow featuring Leonardo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass from the film “The Revenant,” a limited-edition “Benjamin Button” lampshade, an imported hand-soap dispenser featuring Ralph Fiennes as the burn victim from “The English Patient” and a Talented Mr. Ripley’s Chef’s Choice Diamond Hone Electric Knife Sharpener 310 featuring Matt Damon as Tom Ripley.
According to Collins, it is not uncommon for film studios to make limited-runs of merchandise to help promote their films. Collins has spent years building her collection, which also includes a “Howard’s End” toothbrush set, a comforter featuring the cast of “The Insider” and a beer cozy from the film “Milk” featuring Sean Penn as Harvey Milk.
Collins said she has spent nearly 15 years assembling her collection and hopes to one day open a museum dedicated to motion pictures and film memorabilia. Part of her motivation for selling select pieces now is to raise money to help make that dream come true.
“I want a place for people to go and be able to see things like a child’s sippy cup featuring the movie poster for ‘Cold Mountain,” Collins said. “I want to create that magical experience for people who love movies as much as I do.”
Collins, who is a noted children’s author and who has scripted more than 400 screenplays, said the sale will run through this weekend to coincide with the Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday. Prices range from $500 to $2,500 for more rare items.