You Should Get Grotesque Injuries Looked at by a Medical Doctor

By Stan Bargmeyer

Recently I suffered a compound fracture in my right arm after a freak mailbox accident.  It was actually two compound fractures.  One above my elbow thing and one below. Like many people who grew up in my generation, my first thought was, “hey, walk it off.” And now that they’ve invented the internet and I read over the condition and thought, ” All I need to do is wrap this up.”

After several weeks, however, and a nudge from my daughter- I realized the wounds were festering.  The old kitchen towel I used to wrap around my arm was starting to smell funny and the pain was reaching a point where I could no longer tolerate it.

Finally, I broke down and went to the medical doctor in town.  Dr. Jimmy, my physician, was shocked by my condition and the increasingly intolerable odor emanating from my wounds. Over the next 22 hours, him and a team of surgeons worked to save my arm, set the bones back in place and alleviate the incredible pain.

This ordeal has taught me several important lessons.  Lessons I believe many people could benefit from if they find themselves in a similar situation.

Sometimes medical doctors can help with severe injuries.  What qualifies as a serious injury nowadays? With the rise of social media and television, it’s kind of hard to know.  I’ve come up with a helpful rhyme that you should learn so that if you’re faced with a similar situation you’ll know when to contact a doctor;

“If a bones-a-showin’

And bloods-a-flowin’

A doctor is who you should get to be knowin’”

Wash your wound towels at least once a week.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  I definitely recommend washing your wound towel at least once a week and maybe even twice.  They tend to stiffen and then there is, of course, the foul odor.

Avoid trimming off chunks of your arm meat to “tidy up” your wound. The doctors actually are pretty good at dressing wounds and putting everything back together.  I wish I would have known this one sooner.  But hopefully someone can benefit from this knowledge.

Try hard to not get a serious wound in the first place.  This is probably the best piece of advice I can give.  If you can avoid getting a debilitating injury, you won’t have to worry about any of this.  That is where I really messed up.  I didn’t try hard enough to avoid getting a serious wound.

I hope my experience and the lessons I’ve learned can help others.  Just remember, if you have bones sticking out of your skin or large chunks of flesh exposed and bloody or even internal organs visible to the naked eye, you should consider having it looked at by a medical doctor.

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Natalie Peters
Coma Town Council member

The threat of a buzzard menace is real and growing.

My fellow Coma residents may be aware that a growing gathering of buzzards have swarmed our town in recent months, defecating and mating their way across rooftops and parking lots.

What my fellow Comatons may not know is that these creatures have attained self awareness.

That’s right, they know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it.

We do not know how they achieved this advanced state of intelligence but it left your Town Council with no choice but to act:

We enacted the somewhat controversial requirement that homeowners personally guard their garbage cans and immediately return them to their garages after emptying–or face $1,000 fines–in order to counter the buzzard menace. This was needed because the birds are learning to open the cans and feed at will. They can also open doors, so please keep them locked.

We banned residents shooting the swarms of massive scavengers because the birds have applied for hidden carry permits. The last thing we want is running bird-on-man gun battles in this town.

We required residents–under pain of $3,000 fines–to cover their roofs with broken glass, flaming torches and gargoyles because science indicates these are effective measures to humanely encourage these creatures to move on. Let’s make this some other town’s problem.

Lastly, we’ve increase the sidewalk tax to $10 per day to fund our groundbreaking research on a buzzard drone to trick these creatures into flying to a new town.

No one likes paying for solutions but this is no time to question your elected leaders. We must stay united in the face of the genius-buzzard menace. And together we shall prevail, Coma!

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