Archive for: January 2016

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.


[FreecycleComa] Offer: Relic of John Neumann


The relic is in a metal case with a ribbon attached.  I think it is a piece of cloth, so maybe that is a second degree relic?
  I am not a practicing Catholic anymore, but maybe someone with kids in Catholic schools would like it.
Near the Coma Library

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: Car so I can take my dying dog on a road trip

My dog Benny is dying and I want to take him on a road trip. Problem? I don’t have a car. But maybe you do? If you have a car lying around that you aren’t using and would like to give it to me for free with no strings attached I would love to have it. Benny’s never seen the Grand Canyon, a rest stop in Arkansas, the Lego Museum, a dog park in Akron, Ohio, and I would love for him to see these things before he dies!! The car doesn’t need to be special just big enough for us to sleep in (Benny is an 80lb Rotweiler). Willing to take the car “on loan” but only if you understand my driver’s license is suspended and I don’t carry insurance (screw the man!).  If you have a car you don’t need contact me today. I am the Stunt Writer who huffs gas behind Bear’s Biker Bar. I don’t have a phone so please use the metal can outside my cardboard box.

John J. Jingleheimer-Schmidt



Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

6 Things to Know About The Town Council’s New Cheerleaders

By Jonny Reynolds, emerging content reporter, does not have a social phobia disorder

Twitter is abuzz over the Coma Town Council’s decision to add a Cheer Squad.

The latest effort by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson to spark public interest in the town’s legislative body has already inspired Coma residents’ fingers to run to social media.

But how do we know this is a serious civics initiative to increase women’s participation in the legislative process and not just an ex-girlfriend employment effort by Councilman and Hug Club creator Jax Owen? Let’s review some key facts:

1) Nothing builds civic pride more than young women’s strenuous exertions, according to Mayor Anderson. That’s why the Town Council will limit eligibility to adult women with cheerleading, dance or Jazzercize experience.


2) As the Prancing Elites showed the world, a classic name inspires the voting public. That’s why the Town Council designated the cheer squad with the empowering name “The Govern Girlz!

3) But what about the environmental impact? Don’t worry, Councilman Jax Owen has suggested reducing, reusing and recycling unsold Halloween costumes from Bob’s Mart. “We could match the uniforms to the chief legislative issue that week,” Owen said. “Naughty nurse uniforms for the hospital bond vote, hypothetically.”

This nurse is not naughty, She's actually works for Dr. Jimmy's office. She does not dance.

This nurse is not naughty. She’s actually works for Dr. Jimmy’s office. She does not dance.

4) Yes, half of the audience bench seats will be removed from the Council chamber. “It’d be hard for these ladies to work up much of a legislative sweat–while inspiring our youth to stay active–if they don’t have room to move, so dumping half our public seating capacity was a no-brainer,” Anderson said.

5) New public outreach. The Council plans to bypass the traditional journalists by offering exclusive interviews to the Govern Girlz, who will distribute them to Coma residents online. Not online? Time to buy a computer and join these women!

6) Changes possible. The mayor and Owen agree the last-minute dancer initiative could evolve when the Council’s lone female member, Natalie Peters, returns from an overseas vacation next week.
“I’m sure Natalie will feel both surprised and empowered by the Governing Girlz,” Mayor Anderson said. “I know our initiative fills this member with pride!”

You Should Get Grotesque Injuries Looked at by a Medical Doctor

You Should Get Grotesque Injuries Looked at by a Medical Doctor


By Stan Bargmeyer

Recently I suffered a compound fracture in my right arm after a freak mailbox accident.  It was actually two compound fractures.  One above my elbow thing and one below. Like many people who grew up in my generation, my first thought was, “hey, walk it off.” And now that they’ve invented the internet and I read over the condition and thought, ” All I need to do is wrap this up.”medieval medicine 2

After several weeks, however, and a nudge from my daughter- I realized the wounds were festering.  The old kitchen towel I used to wrap around my arm was starting to smell funny and the pain was reaching a point where I could no longer tolerate it.

Finally, I broke down and went to the medical doctor in town.  Dr. Jimmy, my physician, was shocked by my condition and the increasingly intolerable odor emanating from my wounds. Over the next 22 hours, him and a team of surgeons worked to save my arm, set the bones back in place and alleviate the incredible pain.

This ordeal has taught me several important lessons.  Lessons I believe many people could benefit from if they find themselves in a similar situation.

Sometimes medical doctors can help with severe injuries.  What qualifies as a serious injury nowadays? With the rise of social media and television, it’s kind of hard to know.  I’ve come up with a helpful rhyme that you should learn so that if you’re faced with a similar situation you’ll know when to contact a doctor;

“If a bones-a-showin’

And bloods-a-flowin’

A doctor is who you should get to be knowin’”

Wash your wound towels at least once a week.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  I definitely recommend washing your wound towel at least once a week and maybe even twice.  They tend to stiffen and then there is, of course, the foul odor.

Avoid trimming off chunks of your arm meat to “tidy up” your wound. The doctors actually are pretty good at dressing wounds and putting everything back together.  I wish I would have known this one sooner.  But hopefully someone can benefit from this knowledge.

Try hard to not get a serious wound in the first place.  This is probably the best piece of advice I can give.  If you can avoid getting a debilitating injury, you won’t have to worry about any of this.  That is where I really messed up.  I didn’t try hard enough to avoid getting a serious wound.

I hope my experience and the lessons I’ve learned can help others.  Just remember, if you have bones sticking out of your skin or large chunks of flesh exposed and bloody or even internal organs visible to the naked eye, you should consider having it looked at by a medical doctor.

News Savior Comes to Coma News

by Coma News Daily Staff

News developments in Coma are about to get, more hard hitting, juicier, and tech savvy, thanks to the newest staff addition to this publication.

Jonny Reynolds, who was hired as a general assignment reporter by Coma News Daily, brings major metropolitan news experience as a former reporter for nationally renowned publications.

“This person seems capable of helping to put our town newspaper on the journalistic map, which has nearly disappeared,” said Davis Montgomery III, publisher of Coma News Daily. “As long as he continues to work for free churning out tons of content, I’m sure he’ll be invaluable to our organization’s continued success.”

You're not just reporting the news you're getting free fried chicken.

You’re not just reporting the news in Coma you’re getting free fried chicken.

Reynolds, who was previously a metro reporter for the Los Angeles Times, was not recruited by Montgomery. Instead, this newspaper’s newest reporter was hired following desperate pleas by his older brother, Dr. Jimmy.

“He’s been sleeping on my couch ever since his stress break but I think several weeks of all-day napping is probably sufficient,” said Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician.

Jonny’s early resume included a Journalism degree from  Northwestern and stints at the Washington Post and the Boston Globe. In 2007, he became the first reporter to use Twitter to send a sarcastic tweet–forever changing the journalistic landscape.


However, his latest claim to fame was riding a tricycle in his underwear down the shoulder of I-405 in Los Angeles after a “stress induced psychiatric episode.”

“That didn’t surprise me in the least,” said Dee Collins, Jonny’s former sister-in-law. “He’s never done anything halfway. Real hard-charger. And probably an alcoholic.”

In a happy hour interview at Bear’s Biker Bar, Jonny was hopeful about his future.

“I’m better now; just taking it one day at a time and not being too hard on myself,” Jonny said.

Meanwhile, Montgomery said the newspaper was planning to invest “upwards of three thoroughbreds” in social media initiatives led by Jonny.

“This better boost this newspaper’s revenue substantially, or my small army of stable boys will see their pay cut substantially to offset the losses,” Montgomery said.

Letter to the Editor: Talkin’ Trash

Hello, my fellow Coma residents.

Forgive me for talking a little trash. Actually, it’s a lot of trash.

This weather has brought heavy rain.

And with the rain a large accumulation of trash has washed into my pond from the adjacent Rt. 109.

This happens every time there’s a storm. But this not just a plea to stop littering.

The many buckets of trash I have collected today have a fascinating composition. To the individual(s) who enjoy drinking Smirnoff Vodka, Becks Beer, Natty Light and eating McDonalds while cruising down Route 109, no one wants the crap you are throwing out the window.

I realize it may be hard to use a trash can when you have a room temperature IQ (and when you’re drunk).


How would I know that? Because I, too, was a high speed alcoholic, who took great pleasure in narrowly missing pets,  school children and (of course) bicyclists.

I also was addicted to junk food, morbidly obese, and incapable of holding my grease-soaked bowels, which made my car basically uninhabitable.

But after a 12 step program, stomach stapling and winning the lottery I turned my life around so I could own and enjoy the wide variety of waterways surrounding our lovely town.

Your trash could ruin that all by tempting me back into my gin-soaked pig sty. For the love of God, if you can’t get help for yourselves, get it for me.

Rupricht Simian

Styrofoam Fever Grips Town

By Coma News Daily Staff

Better foam than sorry.

That’s the lesson Coma safety activists the town will embrace as part of the Wrapping Everything in Styrofoam campaign.

Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib is leading the safety campaign after his squad car slid off the road and smashed into a power pole.

“There was no emergency but obviously that accident wouldn’t have been so bad if the pole was wrapped in Styrofoam,” Frostnib said.

The realization led the sheriff to push for legislation requiring wrapping Styrofoam around all poles, utilities, trees, buildings, and people within 50 feet of a roadway

“The impact of that damn pole on my department’s costly equipment has demonstrated that Styrofoam or bubble wrap is a commonsense safety solution,” Frostnib said.


Some Coma leaders weren’t so sure.

“I too support safety at all costs but requiring pedestrians to be wrapped in Styrofoam, bubble wrap or foam bumpers is going to carry an enormous environmental footprint,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters.

Others saw additional safety issues.

“What if I’m on the side of the road when last night’s General Tso’s chicken strikes back?” said Robert McGuiness. “How do I get out of the bubble wrap to prevent a clean up in aisle my pants?” Robert McGuiness went on to say that his statement is a bad joke made to highlight how stupid it is to wrap people and trees and bubble wrap and “please don’t print my statement.” He said.

Podcast: New Year, Same You

It’s 33 degrees in Coma, where we’re several days into our post-New Year’s recovery, which means lots of deserted streets and unsupervised children wandering freely.

This is Coma News Daily

The official internet podcast portal for the Town of Coma. For the first time, this podcast is brought to you by our friends at Kale Flavored ham

Because we are too unattractive and too “small town” to broadcast in a theater, Coma News Daily is broadcasting this New Year from The Coma Hockey Rink and Sweater Emporium.

As always you can hear the podcast by clicking play at the bottom of this blog post!

Hosted this week by Coma’s own Dr. Jimmy and Coma’s very own underemployed Private Dick (gross), Marybell Davis. With the introduction of a brand new App called the ‘YOKO’ created by former town council member and boomer Bob Smith-Smith. The YOKO App is guaranteed to help Gen X generations and younger to find their direction.

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We don’t have an Instagram. Mail us a letter!

 stop sign 2

Beware Genius-Buzzards!

Natalie Peters
Coma Town Council member


The threat of a buzzard menace is real and growing.

My fellow Coma residents may be aware that a growing gathering of buzzards have swarmed our town in recent months, defecating and mating their way across rooftops and parking lots.

What my fellow Comatons may not know is that these creatures have attained self awareness.

That’s right, they know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it.

We do not know how they achieved this advanced state of intelligence but it left your Town Council with no choice but to act:

We enacted the somewhat controversial requirement that homeowners personally guard their garbage cans and immediately return them to their garages after emptying–or face $1,000 fines–in order to counter the buzzard menace. This was needed because the birds are learning to open the cans and feed at will. They can also open doors, so please keep them locked.

We banned residents shooting the swarms of massive scavengers because the birds have applied for hidden carry permits. The last thing we want is running bird-on-man gun battles in this town.

We required residents–under pain of $3,000 fines–to cover their roofs with broken glass, flaming torches and gargoyles because science indicates these are effective measures to humanely encourage these creatures to move on. Let’s make this some other town’s problem.

Lastly, we’ve increase the sidewalk tax to $10 per day to fund our groundbreaking research on a buzzard drone to trick these creatures into flying to a new town.

No one likes paying for solutions but this is no time to question your elected leaders. We must stay united in the face of the genius-buzzard menace. And together we shall prevail, Coma!