By Coma News Daily Staff
Have you ever wondered how Sylvester Stallone is able to dangle from helicopters in every movie he’s in without a scratch?
It’s called using a stunt man. The stunt man takes all the pain and misery of the fabulous stunts Stallone is famous for, while the movie star gets the glory.
Enter the Stunt Writer.
Do you earn more than $100k a year, vacation every summer, and have big dog and “crazy” kids? Do you sit on your back patio drinking a mimosa and think, “I have a story. I could be a writer?”
Sounds like you need a Stunt Writer.
Meet John J. Jingleheimer-Schmidt, a writer published in 27 ezines, including “McDonald’s not McSweeny’s” and “The Eggplant” (similar to “The Onion” but EVEN funnier), and currently living in a carboard box behind Bear’s Biker Bar.
“I will be your Stunt Writer,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “Meaning, I will go through all the horrible pain and suffering in life it takes to create your story and then write the story for you.”
What’s a Stunt Writer? First, this is not to be confused with a ghostwriter, who packages the mildly interesting anecdotes of drooling politicians, athletes or movie stars into a collection of gossip and coke-party stories.
“Noone dreams of being a gossip writer,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “We all dream of being literary geniuses. And that’s where my skill set comes in.”
Jingleheimer-Schmidt will go through all of the horrible life events and mind-numbing suffering that shapes the perspective of your average Tolstoy. Meanwhile, the client’s mental health is left blissfully unaffected.
“I’ve also spent decades honing my craft through a remorseless progression of thankless writing jobs,” said Jingleheimer-Schmidt. “As a Stunt Writer, I will go through your divorce for you, a death in the family, childhood poverty, and obesity. You name it and I’ll go through it on your behalf. Meanwhile, you’re left to live in cozy middle class comfort.”
So why hire a Stunt Writer?
“Because you just know you’ve got an amazing book buried deep under the pile of clothing catalogs that you call a brain,” Jingleheimer-Schmidt said.
What’s the price?
“Considering you don’t have to experience any pain, edit your stuff, or go to therapy, the cost is surprisingly little: Just a gallon of unleaded (I’m a bit of a huffer) and $200 a week,” he said. “If you decide to stop paying me until I actually produce a book, you may get even better results since that’d likely spike my angst.”
Jingleheimer-Schmidt can start whenever you’re ready to have someone else experience the crap and do the work that you never will.
Contact Jingleheimer-Schmidt today. He doesn’t have a phone or email, just a rusty message can sitting in front of his box, where you can drop your order and the five gallons of gasoline deposit.
Until then, bottoms up!