Natalie Peters
Coma Town Council member
The threat of a buzzard menace is real and growing.
My fellow Coma residents may be aware that a growing gathering of buzzards have swarmed our town in recent months, defecating and mating their way across rooftops and parking lots.
What my fellow Comatons may not know is that these creatures have attained self awareness.
That’s right, they know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it.
We do not know how they achieved this advanced state of intelligence but it left your Town Council with no choice but to act:
We enacted the somewhat controversial requirement that homeowners personally guard their garbage cans and immediately return them to their garages after emptying–or face $1,000 fines–in order to counter the buzzard menace. This was needed because the birds are learning to open the cans and feed at will. They can also open doors, so please keep them locked.
We banned residents shooting the swarms of massive scavengers because the birds have applied for hidden carry permits. The last thing we want is running bird-on-man gun battles in this town.
We required residents–under pain of $3,000 fines–to cover their roofs with broken glass, flaming torches and gargoyles because science indicates these are effective measures to humanely encourage these creatures to move on. Let’s make this some other town’s problem.
Lastly, we’ve increase the sidewalk tax to $10 per day to fund our groundbreaking research on a buzzard drone to trick these creatures into flying to a new town.
No one likes paying for solutions but this is no time to question your elected leaders. We must stay united in the face of the genius-buzzard menace. And together we shall prevail, Coma!
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