Archive for: January 2016

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Jan. 06 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleCOMA] Offer: gestating table

I am currently making a coffee table by hand from a single slab of black walnut wood. If you would like progress pictures or are interested in taking it once I am done, please email me for more info. The table I am creating is special so I will only give it away to an amazing individual.  Tell me a little bit about yourself and how you are special and deserving of this table. Will trade for baseball season tickets if you don’t want to tell me about yourself.

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[FreecycleCOMA] Offer: Plywood- for exchange?

I have (2) brand new stacks of 3/4″ plywood (about 100 sheets) and (3) brand new stacks of 2×4’s up (over 900) for barter. Over $5500 of wood I’ll give you for free. Needed them for a project but the design changed and now no longer need. Would love to give you this wood in exchange for something I need. Here’s what I need: 93-95 VW Jettas, anything worth restoring, F-100’s, prostreet, chevelle, nova, bronco, FJ-40, FJ-60, Jeep, Bobcat, Skidsteer, John Deere, Trailers, Guns, Ammo, Construction Equipment, surprise me.

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This is a picture of one of my recent car restoration projects but like I said I’d love to trade wood for guns and ammo if you have that kind of thing lying around.

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
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Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it — NO BODILY FLUIDS ON THIS COUCH (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Buy My Screenplay ‘Being John Malkovich 2: Concussion Day’

Jan. 05 Living no comments
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This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

Will smith (23)

 

 

My Amazing Screenplay
I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!
THIS IS THE MOVIE THAT YOU WERE BORN TO WATCH! Unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, “Being John Malkovich 2: Concussion Day” is a movie that transcends genre and cannot be defined.
LOGLINE
This movie picks up where “Being John Malkovich” left off. But this time Will Smith gets inside John Malkovich’s head as part of a police sting operation to wipe out the Hollywood heroin scourge. But the deal goes wrong and the ensuing shootout leaves Malkovich with a serious brain trauma. The resulting cerebral misfires leave Will Smith fighting a range of ghosts and nightmares and THAT GUY FROM DEAD AGAIN conjured up by the injury—all while inside Malkovich’s head.

“Being John Malkovich 2: Concussion Day”
Starring Will Smith with special guest John Malkovich
EXT. Malkovich’s brain – DAY
Will Smith has just finished fighting the ghost of John Malkovich’s mean second grade teacher when the mind mist separates to reveal the figure of alien from Independence Day.
WILL SMITH
Aw naw!
ALIEN (hissy voice)
That’ right, the baddies from all of the movies Malkovich watched also are in here.
WILL SMITH
That’s ok, because Malkovich also saw my parts in those movies.
Will Smith is suddenly inside of F-16 fighter jet, from which he fires both his missiles and a cannon into the alien and blows it to smithereens.
WILL SMITH
Welcome to Earth, you slimy-lookin’–
Suddenly in front of Will Smith’s jet the creepy Confederate general character from the even creepier “Wild, Wild West” appears atop his giant metal spider monster.
THAT GUY FROM DEAD AGAIN
I smite you, suh!
Will Smith’s plane is stuck by a giant mechanical leg and goes tumbling in an uncontrolled crash toward the ground.
WILL SMITH
Oh naw!
EXT. Coffee Shop – DAY
John Malkovich is wearing a beret and drinking hot coffee at an outdoor café in Paris.
JOHN MALKOVICH (suddenly grabs head spilling his coffee)
Oh, ow! Ow! Ow!
John Malkovich dances around in pain until he ends up in the street where a car careens toward home, horn blaring.
————————————-
That’s all I’m going to share! If you want to buy this screenplay (only mid-six figures cash or cashier’s check) and find out what happens, get in touch soon! Find out if Will Smith or John Malkovich dies and if they do can the other survive? Also discover if vampire-zombies make a deadly appearance.
Dee Collins
townofcoma@gmail.com

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In Memoriam: He Died From Being Stubborn

Jan. 04 Living no comments
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As a service to the community Coma News Daily will occasionally publish touching tributes or memorials. Please feel free to post your own memories of Captain Alexander, even if you did not know him, on Facebook and Twitter.

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Captain Donald Alexander,72, of Coma died on January 1, 2016 while smoking, drinking whiskey and telling lies. He died from complications resulting from being stubborn, refusing to go to the doctor, and raising hell for seven decades. He was surrounded by his 24 year old new bride Elizabeth Alexander and married him for his money, his only daughter Annie Cullough who broke his heart, and ex wife Elizabeth Alexander (the first) who is 67 and betrayed his trust.

In lieu of flowers the late Captain Alexander asked that you, “get out and enjoy your life”.

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Building A ‘Home’ for Self-Esteem

Jan. 04 Sports no comments
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By Dr Jimmy, Coma physician, divorcee and former raver

Many parents enroll their children in sports to build character and self-esteem.

But it is often overlooked that middle-aged divorced men suffer from some of poorest senses of self-worth of anyone in our society, and that can undermine how valuable and competent we feel.

The interactions middle age men have with former soulmates, lawyers, liquor store clerks, parole officers, and even strangers can shape how we feel about ourselves.

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Critical periods for boosting or reducing self-esteem occur soon after divorce and other formerly marrieds can provide important role models for these survivors.

Additionally, participation in sports can positively or negatively affect a middle age man’s self-esteem.

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A Home for Those Guys–Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men–is aiming to help enhance the self-esteem of these vulnerable members of our society. In March, AHTG plans to launch “Gladiator: Coma,” which will pit their residents against under developed teens in a series of tests of speed, agility, and strength.

Although your average middle age guy has the physical prowess of a pregnant yak, they have more than even odds to prevail against the collection of Latin Club members, math Olympians , and budding robot engineers slated to compete during G:C.

And isn’t pounding the snot out of a weaker male really what self-esteem is made out of?

It is for these guys.

So thank you, AHTGs, for stepping up and reminding everyone in town why you continue to be such a valued member of the Coma community. And remember, my dear readers, to come check me hand out some Nitro-sized beatdowns in March!

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