Tag: Alan Wieder

Vape and Vinyl to Bring Justice

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma’s courthouse will soon fill with the smokey sounds of justice when a new sponsor takes over.

A music smoke shop, called Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, will open in the Coma courthouse later this month.

The store’s owner and purveyor of fine vape products, Alan Pezzati, previously played lead cymbals in the punk band Naked Vape Gun. Pezzati moved to Coma from Chicago a couple weeks ago after deciding the town “deserves to be a better place”.

Pezzati plans to restore judicial operations at the courthouse, which were suspended last year amid a budget crunch.

“If corporate sponsorship is good enough for the town’s motor vehicle department/liquor store then it’s good enough for law and order,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson. “Plus, this guy’s albums are groovy-dope.”

Vape front page

The self-appointed Judge Pezzati plans for his court to deliver an extra large helping of hard justice.

“Years of experience weighing the relative worthiness of people in our culture has prepared me for this role better than any law school ever could,” said Pezzati, who plans to fund the court’s ongoing operations through proceeds from the vape and vinyl shop.

The first priority for the smoke-filled chamber of justice will be to eliminate the town’s backlog of pending cases.

“Speed is the essential element in both criminal justice and in judging people’s taste in music or preferred vape flavors,” Pezzati said. “The other key element of justice is snark. There’s going to be snap flowing from this bench.

Defendants can expect traffic citation rulings to be accompanied by extended lectures from the bench on future trends in vape juice mixing and the primacy of straight-to-wax late 80s Brazilian compilations.

“Plus, if you’re stupid you can expect to face either immediate ejection or incarceration,” he said.


The Town of Coma courthouse, which has been closed for two years due to lack of funding, will reopen for justice, some traffic classes, and vape consumption.

The move to juristic jams left some town residents in a haze.

“There’s nothing great about music in a courthouse,” Jax Owen, a Coma Town Council member said when told about the deal. “Amazing music is what happens when you bring together smoke machines, loud karaoke and some drunk hot chicks.”

Coma’s leading employer also wondered how sustainable the business model was.

“The numbers don’t work unless you just changed the civil fines to whatever was needed to cover your overhead since none of these idiots are good enough to purchase your stuff.” said Owen. “But you’d have to have some monster arrogance to pull that off.”


Most people in Coma are excited about the opening of the store but are upset about the idea that traffic court will be in session once again. “If I got a traffic ticket two years ago but it was never enforced because the court was shut down am I going to have to pay a fine or something?” said Chase Donovan, Coma teenager. “Also, isn’t vinyl that stuff they put in cars and feels real sticky? So not sure what this place is selling.”

Some townspeople are excited about everything, “Does making a purchase keep me from going to jail?” asked Stoner Steve. “If elegance, smoking and music had a threesome and made a baby the Vape and Vinyl would be that baby.”


CORRECTION: An article that appeared in Coma News, March 5, 2014 “Author to Resolve Haiku Stand Off?” incorrectly stated the title of the book authored by Alan Wieder. The book he authored is ‘The Year of the C_ _ k’.  Additionally, we are pretty sure that at least five, if not more, of the references in the article were incorrect.  The book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ was actually authored by E.L. James who is of no relation to Alan Wieder.  For the record, however, we didn’t know any of this at the time the story was published, so it’s not really our fault.



If you are so inclined to read a novel by Alan Wieder you can click here to download it or have it mailed to you so that you can read it in book form. Be warned that books can cause paper cuts.


Author to Resolve Haiku Stand Off?

Acclaimed memoir author of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ series — Alan Wieder– will come to Coma to solve the Haiku conundrum

by Coma News Staff

Famed memoir writer Alan Wieder will attempt to resolve a dispute that has prevented completion of Coma’s first poetry contest.

“Apparently FX and Comcast wanted someone to come and solve the ‘Justified’ haiku problem and they told me that Alan is as good as anyone to solve it,” Mayor Anderson said. The contest for a best ‘Justified’ tribute poem was suspended over allegations that the winning entry was not a haiku as claimed.

“I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey the memoir since we’ve banned paper products that include books. However, there is an apparent TV series coming out so I’ll watch that with closed captioning, which is similar to reading a book.” Mayor Anderson said.

Wieder gained fame and fortune after publication of the book that detailed his love of prancing around wearing only monochromatic colored bow ties. Fifty Shades of Grey, a memoir about memories, bow ties and nudity, went largely unread in Coma but details of the book that have emerged from online searches sounds compelling.

Our town phychic and journalist saw this vision of Alan prior to actually interviewing him.

Our town psychic and weekend reporter saw this vision of Alan Wieder prior to actually interviewing him.


“I just want him to tell me I won the poetry contest.” said Robert McGuiness, whose first place finish is under review. “Can someone just tell me I won so I can go back to drinking and writing?”
This is not the first time Hollywood has come to town but it is the first celebrity visit to elicit sadomasochistic bondage displays by members of the general public in Coma.

The visit led Marlee Bumgartener, Coma political activist and shut in, to ask why “everyone in this town is a bunch of idiots?”

His memoir is not Fifty Shades of Grey,” she said in a midnight call and in a whisper to Coma News. “I read that book and it is not a memoir but autobiography. Fifty Shades of Grey the autobiography is about a man who is obviously not heterosexual and from what I googled about Alan Wieder he is a heterosexual man who doesn’t own an iron.”

Bumgartener said Wieder’s book is about marriage and a Porsche and how the author sometimes dresses as Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong as seen here .

When he's not writing about bondage Alan enjoys spending time on his farm and wearing make up like Billie Joe Armstrong.

When he’s not writing about bondage Alan enjoys spending time on his farm and wearing make up to make himself look like Billie Joe Armstrong.

“And who wants to read about that?” She said.
Bumgartner is still upset that her poem mourning the loss of ‘Breaking Bad’ did not win.

“I would like to remind that frigid chick Bumgartner it was a ‘Justified’ poetry contest and not a contest about cancerous dope fiends,” said Robert McGuiness.

Mayor Anderson was excited to find out that Alan Wieder is more than just an author.

“I am most excited to know that Alan Wieder produced the show Fantasy Island.” said Mayor Anderson. “I loved that show and what it did for midgets and imaginations everywhere.”

The rumors that Alan Wieder invented the television show Fantasy Island have not been confirmed by Coma News or by google search.

New addition to Coma News staff, Thomas John- Tarot card reader and psychic, hopes to do a pre-breaking prenews story with Alan prior to his visit.



You can read Alan Wieder’s novel on the Amazon Kindle or order it if you still like books made of paper.