You’ll Be Fined for Christmas

By Coma News Daily Staff

What’s that sound? Is it “Jingle Bells” or “White Christmas”? No, it’s Misfits songs blasting out of Alan’s Vape and Vinyl record store/courthouse, along with billowing clouds of the newest vape flavor, “Pine Tree.”

“I don’t really like bah humbug. It’s not that I don’t believe in joy and peace. It’s that I don’t believe in anything, including joy and peace,” said Judge Alan Pezzati, who has reinvented the Coma court system to primarily litigate people’s taste in music.

“I had a high profile case recently where I had to fine Andrew Hozier-Byrne or Hozier, as he’s known, $10,000 for his musical crimes,” Pezzati said. “Madonna got away with her music because she’s mostly naked but music that only sounds good when the lights are off and you’re drunk isn’t really music.”

Pezzati has decided to fine anyone in Coma who plays what he’s termed as “annoying C-word music.”

Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas

Coma business owner Jax Owen has set up his own stand near the Vape and Vinyl to remind people that “only a stuck up idiot would buy a vinyl record” and that Christmas music is available to stream year round.

“And there’s no way he can monitor your music unless he gets the federal government and some drones involved,” Owen said.

There are other people who agree with Pezzati. For instance, Natalie Peters, a member of the Coma Town Council, applauded Pezzati’s stance.

“X-mas music is not representative of the Druids, the people who celebrate National Flash Light Day, and people who celebrate Happy Honda Days,” Peters said. “Who makes songs for those people? Who’s going to write the song ‘All I Want in December for No Particular Reason is a Present–A Really Expensive One.’ Someone needs to speak for those people and that’s exactly what Pezzati’s done.”

Mayor Dave Anderson said he was blissfully unaware of the new fines and suggested that people remember what the season is really about, and that is peppermint.

Pezzati wants to remind people that there will be vape classes offered at Alan’s Vape and Vinyl during the “season” of December, and anyone is welcome to try the new Pine flavored vape with a side of a real band like Pig Destroyer playing in the background.

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