Tag: crime
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comments feedSports Prognosticator, Cartel Leader Hutt Confirmed Dead
By Coma News Daily Staff
Authorities confirmed this week that popular NFL expert and reputed crime boss, Jabba Desilijic Tiure (Jabba the Hutt), was murdered by a group of rebels at the Great Pit of Carkoon last week.
While details were still emerging, authorities said Jabba was murdered following a surprise attack on his recreational sailing barge while entertaining guests. The attack, which is still under investigation, sent shockwaves across the Outer Rim Territories and much of the Midwest.
“By all accounts, Mr. Hutt and his guests were enjoying an afternoon in the desert and were savagely and ruthlessly attacked by a band of rebel scum,” a source close the investigation said. “It’s disturbing. You can’t even host a friendly get together on a sail barge without being murdered by criminals these days.”
Hutt, who some claim had ties to organized crime including arms dealing, spice smuggling and gambling, appeared to put his troubled past behind him recently and had gained following as a popular sports prognosticator and NFL expert.
The death of the beloved, jovial Hutt caught many by surprise, including many of those who followed his weekly NFL pick column on the Coma News Daily website.
“I was really shocked,” said Jax Owen. “Mostly because I thought he had died a long time ago.”
Authorities said they are continuing their investigation and confirmed the suspects were still at large and considered to be armed and dangerous.
Mayor Launches Investigation
By Coma News Staff
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that he will ask the Coma Police Department to look in to the mysterious disappearance of a Steve’s Quality Burrito’s “El Guapo” one-pound burrito.
The Mayor claims he purchased the burrito after work last Wednesday and was only able to finish about one-third of the shredded-beef filled Mexican delicacy. He brought it to work the next morning an intended on eating for lunch. When he returned at approximately 11:45 a.m., the burrito was reportedly missing.
ABOVE: Steve’s Quality Burrito’s signature “El Guapo” boasts more than a pound of fillings including frozen shredded beef, rice, beans, quacamole and cheese and small animals
“They only use the best frozen, seasoned, all-natural beef,” Anderson said of the burrito. “I get why someone would want it for themselves, but still, it sucks that they stole it.”
Anderson did a search of the break room and several neighboring businesses when he discovered his lunch was missing. Anderson then followed up by stopping by multiple offices and cubicles, asking employees if they had seen a giant burrito filled with the freshest ingredients, including Spanish rice and homemade guacamole. Anderson asked a few of his co-workers if he could check their trash cans, believing no one could finish the nearly two-thirds of a pound burrito in one sitting.
“Whoever it was was one hungry SOB,” Anderson said. “People think they can eat that sucker in one sitting but they underestimate the beans. The beans in that thing will get you. Sooner or later, the beans get everybody.”
Anderson, who spent nearly $9 on the burrito, said he hoped to avoid involving law enforcement but as the weekend came and went without any indication of a replacement burrito or even a note of apology, Anderson said he had little choice but to call in forensic experts and law enforcement officials to look into the matter further.
“We will get to the bottom of this,” the Mayor said. “Years from now, when I’m no longer Mayor of this fine community, I want people to look back on my tenure and say ‘that dude didn’t let people go around stealing burritos.’ That may even be my epitaph.”
Law enforcement officials declined to comment and only confirmed the mayor had made an official complaint.
Mayor Seeks Super Support
by Coma News staff
Coma needs a hero, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said Thursday.
Any super heroes in the town’s midst need to “step forward and fulfill your destiny,” Anderson said at a Rotary Club luncheon yesterday.
“If you’re out there and you can hear my voice, please know that we are experiencing a severe crisis in our community and need your help,” Anderson said to the nearly 60 luncheon guests.
Anderson said the heroes qere needed to address a recent surge in unpaid parking and turn signal-related fines.
“This is the hour of our despair,” Anderson said about an estimated $75,000 budget shortfall blamed on the unpaid tickets. “If you have been waiting for a right moment to make your presence known, I beg you to do it now.”
Mayor Anderson called on regular citizens like the one above who may have some amazing super-power and have been waiting to unveil it to the world.
Anderson elicited praise from some residents.
“I’ve always thought I could control animals–or at least predict when they’re gonna crap on my lawn, which I admit is basically every day,” said Town Council member Bob Smith-Smith.
Others were dubious.
“That’s the kind of speach you give for a robot uprising or an evil mastermind ravaging the city, not for some minor parking infractions and moving violations,” Micah Horncraft said.
In a post-speach interview, Anderson elaborated on his plea for help.
“Maybe you’re a math or science expert and you’ve recently been bitten by an insect, or maybe you found a powerful ring or sword or some crap like that,” Anderson said. “Those are the kind of people who close budget gaps.”
Anderson went on to urge citizens who weren’t sure if they had super powers to try lifting boats, cars or other heavy objects over their head or to even consider stepping in front of a bus or truck to test whether or not they may unwittingly have freakishly super capabilities.
As of press time, no super heroes had come forward.
Man Fears His Cat is Plotting to Kill Him
Coma resident, Paul Burkee, is convinced his cat his trying to murder him
In what legal experts are calling a first, long-time Coma resident Paul Burkee filed a restraining order yesterday against his cat, Colonel James T. Parker III, at the Coma County Courthouse, claiming the pet is trying to “murder him to death.”
In documents filed by the 27-year old retail clerk, Burkee described a terrifying series of events that transformed his once loving relationship with his cat into a bizarre and vicious ordeal. According to Burkee, the drama began to unfold one morning last month when he found Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry with a butcher’s knife clutched tightly in one paw.
“That cat knows my routines,” Burkee said. “Every morning, I wake up, take a shit and then go to the pantry to get a Pop Tart. He knows that and I think he was planning on ambushing me.”
Burkee took this photo after finding Colonel James T. Parker III in his pantry
Although the ordeal was startling to Burkee, he said he chalked it up to “Colonel James T. Parker III being Colonel James T. Parker III” and didn’t think much more about it.
“It’s not unusual for that cat to do weird stuff,” Burkee said. “A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and found him in the kitchen making pancakes. So, the fact he was rummaging through utensils was not a shock.”
Burkee said he believes the source of the conflict likely started last summer. After being out of work for nearly two months, Burkee told Colonel James T. Parker III he would be responsible for half the rent. According to Burkee, the cat did not respond positively to the news.
“He was kind of an asshole about the whole thing,” Burkee said. “He didn’t acknowledge it and kind of ignored me for a few weeks. But I think it really pissed him off.”
Last week Burkee was preparing to grill a steak when he discovered his cat sliding a bottle of poison across the deck toward the grill.
“That’s when I knew this was getting serious,” said the twice-divorced Burkee. “Cats don’t just walk around with bottles of poison unless they plan on using it.”
According to Burkee, The Colonel recently attempted to casually slip some poison into food he was preparing
Burkee said he finally decided on the restraining order as a last ditch effort to salvage his relationship with his cat but admits at this point it is unlikely the two will ever be roommates again. Burkee added that although he will miss Colonel James T. Parker III’s pancakes and hot-tubbing with his feline friend, he refuses to be ignorant about this situation.
“I’m not going to be one of those guys who wakes up dead one day because they refused to see the signs about how their pet was plotting to kill them,” Burkee said about his decision to seek legal protection.
