Tag: dave anderson

Mayor Downplays Second Altercation Involving Primate

by Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson is refuting reports that he had another incident involving a primate last week, despite eyewitness accounts to the contrary.

The alleged incident occurred last Thursday while the mayor was meeting with local business leaders for his monthly “Drinking Coffee with Mayor Dave Anderson” event at town hall.

According to eyewitnesses, the mayor was fielding questions about potential tax breaks for local businesses when a Barbary macaque entered the room and began taunting the mayor.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous. “At first I thought it was a Rhesus macaque but upon closer inspection I was like, ‘nah, that’s definitely a Barbary macaque.’”

mayor and macaque

ABOVE: Witnesses say Anderson (left) had an intense altercation with a Barbary macaque (right) last week during a town hall-style meeting

The small primate approached Anderson and extended his small, furry hand. Anderson extended his hand to shake and before completing the gesture, the macaque withdrew his hand, slid his hand past his head and then turned and strutted away.

“It was pretty funny,” said one eyewitness. “I’ve seen that gag before. But something about that little macaque doing it was very refreshing.”

Anderson attempted to continue his presentation but appeared flustered. Moments later, the macaque approached Anderson a second time. According to witnesses, the monkey began to mimick the mayor as he spoke.

“He had it down pretty good,” a witness said. “Hand gestures, arm movements. It was just like Dave.”

Anderson allegedly became increasingly agitated as the small primate continued to mock his movements. At one point, Anderson stopped, placed his hands on his hips and shook his head at the monkey. The monkey gave Anderson a “thumbs up” gesture.

“That seemed to cut a lot of the tension in the room,” one witness said. “But then it got ugly.”

According to onlookers, the monkey began to twist his hand slowly. What started as a “thumbs up” became a “thumbs down” gesture. Anderson rushed the monkey and had to be restrained by several advisors and staff members.

“At one point Dave yelled ‘I’m going to cut you mother fucker’” an eyewitness said. “He grabbed a chair and started swinging but fortunately his staff held him back.”

The macaque, according to witnesses, extended a middle finger to the mayor before exiting the room through a side door. Anderson recently admitted to an unfortunate ordeal nearly 12 years ago in which he punched a monkey in the face, knocking out two of the animal’s teeth.

The mayor told reporters on Tuesday the recent incident has been exaggerated and that there was really nothing to talk about.

“Did I go after a monkey with a chair?” Anderson asked. “Maybe. But who is to say that in some alternate reality the monkey didn’t try to attack me with a chair? Why is no one talking about that possibility?”

Anderson refused to comment further. The macaque has not been seen since the incident occurred last week.

Mayor Shows Off Newly Discovered Excel Skills

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week he has recently “taken up” Microsoft Excel and vowed to use the popular software program to improve press conferences, share important data and to generally “add more cool technology” to the town’s government.

Anderson, who included several large-print graphs and pie charts during his announcement, said he stumbled upon Excel by accident while trying to open the YouTube link on his desktop.

“The little icon had always been there,” Anderson said. “But I assumed it was a program only accountants or scientists used. Not mayors. It’s so cool.”

ABOVE: Anderson shares a graph he recently made after discovering Microsoft Excel by accident. “It’s so cool,” the mayor told reporters.

The mayor started “playing around” with the program and quickly discovered a number of interesting features and useful purposes he believes can help city government be more “big time.”

Anderson shared several of his projects at the press conference, including his very first Excel project; a smiley face made by filling cells with different colors.

“It’s not only a great tool for making graphs,” Anderson said. “You can also use it for art. It’s so cool.”

Excel star wars

ABOVE: Anderson’s pie chart revealing his favorite Star Wars characters by percentage points

According to his critics, Anderson’s announcement lacked real substance and once again demonstrated the three-term mayor’s ability to divert attention from real issues.

“They were rudimentary at best,” former council member Bob Smith-Smith said of the mayor’s charts. “He clearly has a tenuous grasp on analytics, data and statistics. One graph was dedicate to the types of graphs he had made so far. What purpose does that serve?”

Anderson said he felt “re-energized” by the software tool and he looked forward to using it daily to help run the government more efficiently.

The mayor shared several charts, including a pie chart that showed his favorite Star Wars characters and one showing the types of coffee he enjoys drinking (dark roast).

“I fail to see the relevance in explaining to the press your favorite Star Wars character,” Smith-Smith said. “And, ‘Yoga?’ I mean, was that a typo or does he actually think there is a Star Wars character named Yoga?”

Anderson cut the press conference short and said he wanted to continue to explore the “cool” program further.

“There are dozens of things you can use it for,” Anderson said. “You can make lists. You can do other stuff. I think we’re just scratching the surface. It’s so cool.”


Mayor “Tired” of ‘Monkey Puncher’ Reputation

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson confided to reporters this week that he has grown weary of his reputation as the “Monkey Puncher” following an unfortunate incident he was involved in nearly 12 years ago.

Anderson, often speaking in hushed tones, said he feared he would “never live down” a nickname and reputation born on what he called a “disastrous” day more than a decade ago.

“I mean, apparently, you punch a monkey in the face one time and…you know…you get a reputation as a guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face,” Anderson said.

It was a rare moment for the mayor, who has been described in the past as guarded, aloof and even apathetic. Anderson shared details of the “disastrous” day for the first time publicly.

mayor and monkey

ABOVE: Anderson (left) recounted the story of how he punched a monkey, similar to the one in the photo above (right), to earn the nickname “Monkey Puncher”

According to Anderson, he and some friends had just finished having lunch at Mike’s Pig Meat Restaurant when the restaurant’s owner, Mike Holliman, invited Anderson and his party out back to see a pet monkey one of Holliman’s friends brought with him.

“We were just looking at this monkey and it was kind of just bouncing around a little bit,” Anderson said. “And then it looked at me and spit in my face.”

Anderson said his friends laughed at the incident. At first, Anderson thought that while it was incredibly rude, it was a “little funny.”

But Anderson said things took a turn for the worst when the monkey began to mock him incessantly. At one point, the monkey pointed to Anderson, then plugged its nose and made a “stinky face”. Next, the monkey pointed to its buttocks, then to Anderson and then plugged its nose again.

“I’ve never been a big bathroom humor guy,” Anderson said. “So, strike one, monkey. I mean, first of all I didn’t smell like his butt. I’m sure of that. It’s just not very original.”

According to Anderson, the monkey continued to mock him. At one point, the monkey pointed at Anderson and then began to walk around, pushing its belly forward and kind of stumbling as it ambled down the sidewalk before pointing again at Anderson to suggest the Mayor was overweight and walked in an unusual manner.

“That was it for me,” Anderson said. “Everyone was laughing like it was real funny but it was derivative at best and completely inaccurate.”

Anderson said he punched the monkey square in the mouth, bloodying the animal’s lip and making its eyes water. The animal scurried quickly to its owner and hid behind his leg, trembling in fear.

“And somehow, I became the bad guy,” Anderson told reporters. “I get humiliated in front of my friends, try to defend my honor and at the end of the day, I’m the bad guy. Explain that to me. Please! Because I still don’t understand it.”

Soon after the incident, Anderson began hearing references to himself as the “monkey puncher.” It is a nickname that has stuck with him through more than three terms in office.

“Maybe one day people will forget that I punched a monkey in the face and knocked out two of its teeth,” Anderson said. “But people just love to focus on negative things.”

Mayor Announces Push to Host Super Bowl in Coma

by Coma News Staff

Coma mayor Dave Anderson announced this week his intentions to submit an application next month for the town to host the NFL Super Bowl.

“Why not us?,” Anderson asked in a statement released on Monday. “We’re just as good as Houston or Phoenix. And I think we’re a little bit better and Minneapolis. And that’s not me trying to take a shot at Minneapolis. I’m just being honest.”

While the official requirements to host a Super Bowl are not published, some criteria that has come out over the years would appear to eliminate Coma as being a viable option, including:

  • NFL requires a “climate-controlled domed stadium” if average temperature for the region falls below 50 degrees.
  • Exclusive, cost-free use of 35,000 parking spaces for game-day parking
  • NFL requires usage of three golf courses and two bowling alleys

Coma’s average temperature for February over the past decade has been 44 degrees, requiring the town to provide a climate-controlled domed stadium. Anderson said that while the town does not have any plans for such a venue, “a few tarps or one of those big-ass canopies” over the high school football field “may do the trick.”

As for parking, Coma has approximately 540 parking spaces when considering both public and private parking available in town. Anderson said this may be a bit of an issue but is hopeful that a solution involving buses, carpooling and some “creative tinkering” may get the town closer to the 35,000 required.

While Coma does feature two bowling alleys, the town has only one golf-related activity; Putters Putt-Putt Golf and Arcade. Anderson said he felt confident he could work something out with the league in terms of golfing amenities.

“You just have to know how to deal with these guys,” a confident Anderson said. “Grease their palms with a ten or twenty dollar bill, and suddenly, you’re in the game.”

Anderson is appointing a special committee to assemble the proposal and hopes to have it submitted before the league deadline of February 19.

“We can do anything we set our minds to,” Anderson said. “We are only limited by our imaginations, ambition and a lack of hotel rooms.”

Mayor Opens New Star Wars-Themed Playground in Coma

By Coma News Daily Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson kicked off the new year by welcoming visitors to Coma’s newest attraction; a space-aged, Star Wars-themed playground at a ceremony this week.

Approximately two dozen local residents attended the opening for the long-anticipated playground, which took nearly four years of planning and cost the city more than $60 to build.

ABOVE: "Hoth: Post Global Warming" allows children to run around in an empty grass field, much like what Hoth may resemble without the snow and ice

ABOVE: “Hoth: Post Global Warming” allows children to run around in an empty grass field, much like what Hoth may resemble without the snow and ice

“Star Wars movies have long inspired children’s imaginations,” Anderson told the crowd at the opening. “Now we will have a place for those children to live-out their own Star Wars adventures for generations to come.”

Some of the features and attractions of the new playground include:

ABOVE: The Millennium Falcon ride at the new playground provides thrills for children looking to reenact their favorite scenes from the popular spacecraft

ABOVE: The Millennium Falcon ride at the new playground provides thrills for children looking to reenact their favorite scenes from the popular spacecraft

  • “Hoth: Post Global Warming.” Children can run around on patches of grass in an open part of the lot that answers the question “What would the planet Hoth look like without all that ice and snow?” The answer, of course, is a vacant grass lot.
  • Emperor Palpatine’s Throne. A fun, interactive “throne” where children can sit and pretend to be the lovable Emperor Palpatine. Constructed entirely from repurposed materials including some old 4×4 deck posts and pallets, this is sure to be a hit with children of all ages.
ABOVE: Emperor Palpatine's Throne. This scale replica of the famous rulers chair is made of re-purposed lumber

ABOVE: Emperor Palpatine’s Throne. This scale replica of the famous rulers chair is made of re-purposed lumber

  • “VB8.” Kids will certainly get a “kick” out of Coma’s own version of the popular android BB8 from Episode VII. Coma’s version is an old volleyball (thus, “VB8”). The ball will be lying around for children to interact with while visiting the park.
  • Hay and Tube Thing. The playground’s centerpiece is an arrangement of hay and a black plastic conduit “tube”. Playground designers did not specify how this element ties in with Star Wars.
  • “Millennium Falcon Ride.” In what is sure to be a favorite for Han Solo fans, the playground features a Millennium Falcon ride in which riders sit on opposite ends of a beam, facing each other.
  • “Tattoine Reimagined.” Ever wonder what Tattoine, the popular desert-like planet from Star Wars, would look like with more vegetation? Wonder no more.  Children can run around on patches of grass in an open part of the lot that answers the question for you.
ABOVE: "VB8" is an interactive volleyball that resembles popular android BB8

ABOVE: “VB8″ is an interactive volleyball that resembles popular android BB8

Anderson said the new playground adds another attraction for the town as it seeks to increase tourism and noted the playground represents Coma’s “continued commitment to providing only the best experiences for our children.”

“This is a magical place that will put Coma on the map when it comes to popular themed entertainment destinations,” Anderson said.

ABOVE: Hay and Tube thing

ABOVE: Hay and Tube thing

Another Bigfoot Sighting Leaves City Leaders Baffled

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson called a special meeting of the Town Council this week after the second Corporate Bigfoot sighting in a month left businessmen in the community baffled and concerned.

According to at least two eyewitnesses, the most recent sighting occurred at Dahl’s Menswear late last week, where the suspected cryptozoological creature was seen trying on jackets, pants and a selection of ties. Eventually, the creature grew frustrated when the store manager, Isaac Best, was unable to find appropriate-sized shoes.

corporate bigfoot 3

Above: Artist sketch of what witnesses claim is a Bigfoot that recently tried on several blazers and sportscoats at Dahl’s Menswear in Coma

“We are looking into this matter and consider it a top priority,” Anderson said. “At this point, we don’t know if we are dealing with one bigfoot or two bigfoot.  Wait, would it be Bigfeet if there were more than one? That sounds right but I’m going to have to have somebody look into that.”

Local cryptozoology expert, futurist and mortuary owner, Micah Horncraft, said that while it is unusual for the creature to enter men’s clothing stores and try on a variety of outfits, it is not unheard of. Usually, Horncraft said, the animals simply are looking for great deals on menswear.

“Corporate Bigfoot are not much different than your typical business professional,” Horncraft said. “Besides lacking any human language skills or education and suffering frequent fecal saturation, they still want to look sharp for the next meeting or important luncheon.”

Mayor Anderson said he hopes the Town Council will agree to create a special committee to look into the details of the shopping spree.

Mayor Forgets Where He Put Copy of Budget

The town of Coma’s planned budget review was derailed last night when Coma mayor Dave Anderson admitted to council members he had misplaced copies of the proposed annual budget.

Claiming he may have accidentally used it to sketch pictures of futuristic car designs during a recent meeting,  Anderson stopped short of offering a full-blown apology and suggested the budget review continue based on “odds and ends” he remembered from the nearly 400-page document.

“I like to sketch flying cars,” the mayor told the council during the three-hour meeting.  “If that makes me a bad person, then…I guess I’m a bad person.”

While several council members grilled the mayor repeatedly about the incident, Anderson deflected the criticism and focused instead on his conceptual drawings.

“I’m doing designs that are probably 20 to 30 years ahead of their time,” Anderson told a confused-looking council.  “I’m conceptualizing four-door sedans that can fly.  Nobody else is doing sketches like that. Last week I sketched a flying 1998 Kia Concord! People don’t have the balls to sketch the types of flying cars I do.  And all you guys care about is where the stupid budget went? Priorities much?”


ABOVE: Mayor Anderson’s conceptual drawing of 1998 Kia Concord

One council member, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed immense frustration at the irresponsible behavior of the town’s elected leader.  “He is betraying his fiduciary responsibilities in favor of child-like musings and poorly-crafted aircraft designs,” the council member said. “From strictly an engineering standpoint, most of those craft could not safely take flight or stay air-born for very long.  Maybe 20 seconds.  Maybe.”

Anderson told council members he recalled “pieces” from the proposed budget, including “a few hundo” for small equipment purchases by the parks department.  Ultimately, the budget review was postponed until next week to give Anderson time to find the budget.

“It’s probably buried somewhere in my ‘dream locker’, which is where I keep my sketches and drawings and predictions about stuff,” Anderson said.



Coma Mayor is Not “Pro Cancer”

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, announced an initiative that focuses on women constituents this week, and also reiterated that despite recent comments made by political rivals, he is not, in fact, a pro-cancer Mayor.

“I can’t stress how completely false these accusations are,” Anderson said at a town meeting on Tuesday evening. “I dislike every form of cancer.”

Recent rumors have circulated throughout Coma that Anderson was “soft” on cancer. This criticism is on the heels of him canceling all runs and walks for cancer in the Town citing traffic issues and lack of funding for security.


“I can see it,” local business owner and amateur politician, Jax Owen said. “I got that vibe the first time I shook his hand. Just had that I’m-not-a-friend-of-cancer vibe. Except the ta-ta cancer. He seems to have an interest in the ta-ta cancer.”

Anderson spent nearly two hours explaining his position on every form of cancer while fielding a variety of questions.

“He had little knowledge about what cancer actually is but that did not stop him from talking about most forms of cancer.” said Coma’s Dr. Jimmy. “It might be best for him to leave technical explanations to medical professionals rather than reading it from a medical journal where he mispronounces most of the words.”

The mayor said he hoped this explanation would put the issue to rest, but according to some, the mayor may have left the door open for future opponents.

“He did say he disliked cancer,” Dee Collins said. “But, well, he didn’t say he ‘hated’ it. I think people wanted to hear him say he hated cancer’s guts. Just makes you wonder if he doesn’t harbor some affection for the deadly disease.”