Tag: breaking news

This Time I’m Sure Aliens Are Here

By Stoner Steve, columnist

They didn’t listen when I said aliens were transmitting through my ceral’s “snap, crackle and pop,” and they were oddly unconcerned when the ATMs with mirrored glass popped up all over town (who are their cameras really watching?).

But it’s truly time for my fellow Comatons to wake up and face the reality of aliens in our midst.

Alan's Vape and

I first grew curious when I noticed these guys doing something no drunk adult would even consider: riding bikes on the winding court roads all around town.

I remember first seeing these guys when my buddy Roger almost drove one off the road. I was like “Man, that dude must be high ’cause we almost killed him dead.”

But my buddy was like “No dude, he’s not high; he’s a street biker.”

A what whatter?

And then I noticed these dudes on streets all around town. You’d be blasting down some winding country lane in you El Camino and right around a blind corner there’s one of the “street bikers” huffing his way up a hill at 2 MPH.


And they’re doing this for fun.

Seriously, most of the swarms of these guys show up on the weekends, so it’s not some kind of group of guys desperate to get to work or class after all their cars broke down.

Not is there apparently no normal human worry about risking your life to do something “fun,” these guys also apparently know that normal laws don’t apply to them. I saw like 25 street bikers blast through a red traffic light in the center of town without even slowing down. And they were flicking off a cop while doing it!

My tail would be dragged out of the El Camino and beaten for 20 minutes solid if I pulled that one!

Then it occurred to me, if they’re not drunk, crazy or stupid, then they must know nothing can hurt them–not gravity, physics, the law or common human decency. And if none of those things apply to them we have to be dealing with something not of this world.


So the next time you almost have a head-on collision after a 3MPH street biker forces you drive around them, remember that we continue exist only because these alien overlords allow it.

And if you don’t see me again it’ll either because they got me or because I finally figured out a way to move to Colorado. 4:20 Forever!

Spring Cleaning to Overwhelm Coma Landfill

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter, Coma News Daily
An unprecedented spring cleaning bug will infect Coma residents this coming weekend, resulting in the temporary shutdown of the Coma Landfill Saturday and Sunday, Coma News has learned.

The first-time closure of Coma’s refuse collection facility came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

There are no storm troopers in Coma however someone will throw out this costume rather than putting it on Craigslist.

Although there are no actual storm troopers in Coma, someone will throw out this costume rather than putting it on Craigslist.

“Not gonna happen, never happened, and never will happen,” Moab Johnson, owner of the dump, said when told of the impending closure of his facility. The trash receiver could be overwhelmed only i  “every man, woman and child in Coma swarmed the facility to toss useless crap, ” he said.

The eventual useless-crap-throwing-mob will only include about one-third of the town’s population but their deposits will be swollen by a town-wide Internet failure that will render Freecycle and Craigslist inaccessible.
“Oh, no. I’m going to donate these really wonderful items I don’t need anymore to charity,” Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters said when told she will haul four van loads of crap to the dump.
“I only have to wait until next week for them to pick it up.”

Few Coma Babies Are Geniuses

by Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Only five of 13 young enrollees in Coma’s largest daycare program will reach high-paying professional positions over the next three decades, Coma News has learned.

Contrary to the hopes of all of their parents, most of the infants and toddlers enrolled at House of the Little Peoples will remain in local low-wage jobs into their 30s. Future positions include gas station attendant, artist, journalist, customer service associate, and chemical stimulation shop barista. High-achieving students include a future physician, a lawyer, and another whose job will not make sense until future technology is developed.

This baby has a bright future in customer service or the field of journalism.

The future employment roles came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.
Arash Daroodi, owner of the preschool, took a fatalistic view of his students’ futures.
“It’s not my job to raise these kids,” Daroodi said. “I just keep them in the pen and put on Law & Order, like any real person would do.”
Marylee Bumgartener, Daroodi’s daughter and only employee, plans to watch the children for signs of above average intelligence.
“After you first called me, I picked up some used violins so I can see which ones are gifted,” Bumgartener said.
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said the news bolsters his push for a town-funded gas station attendant training program.
“We need to give these kids a head start on their mediocre futures,” Anderson said. “I never want to have to pump my own gas, again.”

Unexpected Financial Windfalls, Fire, Demons to Hit Coma

Unexpected Financial Windfalls, Fire, Demons to Hit Coma
By Thomas Steven John, future beat reporter Coma News

The Town of Coma will be struck by unexpected financial windfalls, fire and demons this weekend, Coma News has learned in a fever-filled-peyote dream.

The money will come from several sources, including malfunctioning ATMs, a wave of miscalculated IRS refunds, and the opening of Coma’s first payday loan store.

“That’s really good to hear,” Mayor Dave Anderson said about the impending financial boondoggles. “As long as its not an insurance payout from some kid dying, which is how these free money things usually play out.”

The most sensational source of cash will come from a mid-air heist of a Treasury Department flight gone awry 30,000 feet over Coma. Unfortunately, the giant bags of high-denomination bills that land throughout Coma will be quickly recovered after door-to-door searches and body probes by federal agents.

The agents pictured are not the actual agents who might descend on Coma but are a good example of what was seen in the reporters fever dream.

The agents pictured are not the actual agents who might descend on Coma but are a good example of what was seen in the reporters fever dream.

“The technology the Feds got these days, it’s probably just a good idea to go ahead and give them the cash back right away,” Councilman Bob Smith-Smith said about the impending searches and probes with information he learned from Wikipedia.

Additionally, there is a good chance that on Saturday night some portion of Coma will be consumed by fire and demons.

This is an artistic rendering of a fire and demon descent on the Town of Coma.

This is an artistic rendering of a fire and demon descent on the Town of Coma.