by Thomas Steven John, future news reporter
Only five of 13 young enrollees in Coma’s largest daycare program will reach high-paying professional positions over the next three decades, Coma News has learned.
Contrary to the hopes of all of their parents, most of the infants and toddlers enrolled at House of the Little Peoples will remain in local low-wage jobs into their 30s. Future positions include gas station attendant, artist, journalist, customer service associate, and chemical stimulation shop barista. High-achieving students include a future physician, a lawyer, and another whose job will not make sense until future technology is developed.
This baby has a bright future in customer service or the field of journalism.
The future employment roles came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.
Arash Daroodi, owner of the preschool, took a fatalistic view of his students’ futures.
“It’s not my job to raise these kids,” Daroodi said. “I just keep them in the pen and put on Law & Order, like any real person would do.”
Marylee Bumgartener, Daroodi’s daughter and only employee, plans to watch the children for signs of above average intelligence.
“After you first called me, I picked up some used violins so I can see which ones are gifted,” Bumgartener said.
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said the news bolsters his push for a town-funded gas station attendant training program.
“We need to give these kids a head start on their mediocre futures,” Anderson said. “I never want to have to pump my own gas, again.”
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