Tag: alien

This Time I’m Sure Aliens Are Here

By Stoner Steve, columnist

They didn’t listen when I said aliens were transmitting through my ceral’s “snap, crackle and pop,” and they were oddly unconcerned when the ATMs with mirrored glass popped up all over town (who are their cameras really watching?).

But it’s truly time for my fellow Comatons to wake up and face the reality of aliens in our midst.

Alan's Vape and

I first grew curious when I noticed these guys doing something no drunk adult would even consider: riding bikes on the winding court roads all around town.

I remember first seeing these guys when my buddy Roger almost drove one off the road. I was like “Man, that dude must be high ’cause we almost killed him dead.”

But my buddy was like “No dude, he’s not high; he’s a street biker.”

A what whatter?

And then I noticed these dudes on streets all around town. You’d be blasting down some winding country lane in you El Camino and right around a blind corner there’s one of the “street bikers” huffing his way up a hill at 2 MPH.


And they’re doing this for fun.

Seriously, most of the swarms of these guys show up on the weekends, so it’s not some kind of group of guys desperate to get to work or class after all their cars broke down.

Not is there apparently no normal human worry about risking your life to do something “fun,” these guys also apparently know that normal laws don’t apply to them. I saw like 25 street bikers blast through a red traffic light in the center of town without even slowing down. And they were flicking off a cop while doing it!

My tail would be dragged out of the El Camino and beaten for 20 minutes solid if I pulled that one!

Then it occurred to me, if they’re not drunk, crazy or stupid, then they must know nothing can hurt them–not gravity, physics, the law or common human decency. And if none of those things apply to them we have to be dealing with something not of this world.


So the next time you almost have a head-on collision after a 3MPH street biker forces you drive around them, remember that we continue exist only because these alien overlords allow it.

And if you don’t see me again it’ll either because they got me or because I finally figured out a way to move to Colorado. 4:20 Forever!

I Think Aliens Provide Lawn Care Service in My Neighborhood

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Artist's depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor's lawn recently like it was no big deal.

Artist’s depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor’s lawn recently like it was no big deal.


By: Steve Phillips, Stoner, Coma Cultural Icon, Spokesperson for Alan’s Vape and Vinyl

I’m pretty sure aliens from outer space have started a small lawn care service in my neighborhood.

Last week I was sleeping and heard a lawnmower going and I thought, “who the hell mows their lawn at 2:30 in the afternoon?” (inconsiderate).  I got up and peeked out the window and I saw this alien guy mowing the neighbor’s lawn.

I told some of my friends and clients and they all thought I was seeing things.  But I have been watching movies on television for almost my entire life and think I know what aliens look like.

This alien had green skin and a long beard (kind of like Jesus, but no hair).  He was wearing khaki shorts, a t-shirt and a ball cap and was just mowing lawn like it was the most normal thing ever.

He must have used some kind of mulching mower because there was no bag on the mower and I didn’t see any clippings or clumps of grass getting scattered around.  Mulching mowers are the only way to go.  That motherfucker invested his money well when he bought that mower.  He doesn’t have to worry about raking and bagging.

That’s the worse part is the raking and bagging.

But where did he buy his lawnmower?  I don’t think aliens would just walk into a hardware store like it was no big deal and start buying lawnmowers.

That don’t add up in my mind.  Maybe he borrowed it?  That makes more sense.  Especially if he borrowed it from an alien friend or something.  Then nobody is walking around a hardware store asking where they keep their mulching mowers.

I decided to ask him about it.  I opened my window and I yelled out “hey, alien-guy, where’d you get that lawnmower?” but I don’t think he could hear me over the sound of the lawnmower.

All-in-all, he did pretty good work on the lawn.  I would appreciate it in the future if he didn’t mow the lawn at such a ridiculous hour, but I can’t complain about the quality of his mow.

The bigger question is what is going on around here?  It feels like we are in the midst of a serious alien invasion.  First they built convenience stores overnight and now they’re mowing lawns?  Last month, and I haven’t told anybody about this yet, but I swear I heard an alien doing a weather report on the local radio.  I still need to look into that one.

I’m going to report this to city officials.  I tried reporting it to the police last time I was arrested for possession but they didn’t seem to care.  They are likely involved in the conspiracy in some capacity.  But Mayor Anderson seems like a pretty stand-up dude so I’m hoping he will listen and help us discover the truth.

Anyhow, I wanted everyone to know about this because I wasn’t able to get any pictures because my phone doesn’t have a camera on it.

Maybe you can be on the lookout and take some photos so we have evidence.  Secondly, I wanted everyone to know there is a new option in town for affordable lawn care services.