Tag: bicycle

This Time I’m Sure Aliens Are Here

By Stoner Steve, columnist

They didn’t listen when I said aliens were transmitting through my ceral’s “snap, crackle and pop,” and they were oddly unconcerned when the ATMs with mirrored glass popped up all over town (who are their cameras really watching?).

But it’s truly time for my fellow Comatons to wake up and face the reality of aliens in our midst.

Alan's Vape and

I first grew curious when I noticed these guys doing something no drunk adult would even consider: riding bikes on the winding court roads all around town.

I remember first seeing these guys when my buddy Roger almost drove one off the road. I was like “Man, that dude must be high ’cause we almost killed him dead.”

But my buddy was like “No dude, he’s not high; he’s a street biker.”

A what whatter?

And then I noticed these dudes on streets all around town. You’d be blasting down some winding country lane in you El Camino and right around a blind corner there’s one of the “street bikers” huffing his way up a hill at 2 MPH.

biker

And they’re doing this for fun.

Seriously, most of the swarms of these guys show up on the weekends, so it’s not some kind of group of guys desperate to get to work or class after all their cars broke down.

Not is there apparently no normal human worry about risking your life to do something “fun,” these guys also apparently know that normal laws don’t apply to them. I saw like 25 street bikers blast through a red traffic light in the center of town without even slowing down. And they were flicking off a cop while doing it!

My tail would be dragged out of the El Camino and beaten for 20 minutes solid if I pulled that one!

Then it occurred to me, if they’re not drunk, crazy or stupid, then they must know nothing can hurt them–not gravity, physics, the law or common human decency. And if none of those things apply to them we have to be dealing with something not of this world.

alienbicycle2

So the next time you almost have a head-on collision after a 3MPH street biker forces you drive around them, remember that we continue exist only because these alien overlords allow it.

And if you don’t see me again it’ll either because they got me or because I finally figured out a way to move to Colorado. 4:20 Forever!

OP-ED: Popping Wheelies and Not Even Caring

 

chase popping wheelies

Chase Donovan

Unlike most people, I’m not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle. I don’t even care if people think it’s really dangerous or whatever. I’m just going to pop wheelies whenever I feel like it and don’t care about the consequences.

I like to get a lot of air on my wheelies. One time, my front tire must have been almost ten feet off the ground but I didn’t panic about it. I just shifted my weight a little bit and rode it out.¬†People were standing around looking at me like I was the craziest dude they’d ever seen.

Sometimes I pop a wheelie real suddenly just to surprise people. I might be riding my bike through town and people might be looking at me like, “Oh, that guy is just riding his bicycle like a normal person.” And then suddenly, I’ll pop a wheelie out of nowhere and then they’ll be like “Oh man!¬† That guy is crazy cause he just popped a wheelie on his bike.” To me it’s no big deal but to old people it probably freaks them out.

Last week I popped a wheelie and then let go of the handle bars and had no way to steer the bike. No biggie. I just kept peddling through it without any hands and I know for a fact that a couple people were shaking their heads in disbelief and probably thought it was the most insane thing they’d ever seen. I know Micah Horncraft saw it and was totally freaking out about it but I don’t even care.

One thing about me you’re going to learn is that I will pop wheelies on my bike all the time. Get used to it and don’t freak out.

Chase Donovan is an intern for Coma News.