Baseball, American Style

By Coma News Daily Staff

Residents of Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men figure they have a collective 2,807 years of baseball-watching experience between them.

They plan to offer those collective learnings–along with an encyclopedic knowledge of women–to Coma’s impressionable youth, by sponsoring a middle school league baseball team.

Co-coaches Dr. Jimmy and Alan Pezzati, owner of Alan’s Vape and Vinyl, were vague on the prospects for their team, called the DivorceHers, but certain that the 11-13-year-old players would learn a lot.

“These boys need to understand the difference between a double and a homerun and who better to teach them than a couple guys who have rounded the bases with more nubile 22 year olds than I can count,” said Pezzati.

Dr. Jimmy described his coaching philosophy as “self-exploratory” and plans to encourage players to find their “inherent amazery.”

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Coma’s newest middle school baseball coaches hope to inappropriately redefine “safety squeeze,” “spitters,” and “spray hitters” during the new season.

His first coaching lesson? That adolescent players get in touch with themselves and their feelings about the sport.

“If they can’t first make themselves happy, they’ll never be able to make their teammates happy,” Dr. Jimmy said.

Players who are exhausted by standing around in the outfield will be encouraged to lay down and nap, while those who are hungry can snap for their moms to run out sandwiches to them.

The DivorceHers coaches were not concerned that they likely will face other teams who treat baseball more like a serious sport and less as a thought experiment.

“The only people who should be afraid are the older sisters and unusually young mothers–assuming they’re all legal age and somewhat attractive,” Pezzati said.

Other residents of a Place for Those Guys plan to support the team with “special brownie” bake sales, beer can collection drives, and by attending games that are not too far of a walk for someone pulling a cooler.

“It’s really about showing these kids that they don’t need to accomplish anything to become something,” said Dr. Jimmy.

One Coma mom was supportive of the historic team.

“The league sounds amazing so I’m totally planning on having my boys sign up,” said Sadie Cracker. “Sounds like something that will turn out as well as the outdoor spin class or jean racers did.”

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