Simmering social tensions boiled over in an explosion of sparkle powder and silly string during a recent middle school baseball game.
The kerfuffle came during Saturday’s highly anticipated face off between the Lean Innings team, sponsored by Coma’s new Wimin’s Vyllyge for divorced women, and the DivorceHers, sponsored by A Place for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.
Tensions on the field started to rise when the Wimin’s team started chants like “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Your Patriarchy’s Got to Go!”
That led to increasingly childish chants led by DivorceHers’ coaches, like:
Coach: Who let the dogs out?!!
Players: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Real trouble started when an errant pitch from Marty Stouffer hit Katie Ramshackle. As the player walked to first base, Lean Innings coach Natalie Peters threatened to charge the pitcher with a pitcher of organic goat’s milk.
That led DiverceHers coach Alan Pezzati to spray a “defensive mist” between the two from his keg of Natural Light.
“She was showing the lack of leadership they have over there when it comes to playing baseball the right way,” Pezzati said.
Peters, furious, slowly went to talk to her player at first base.
The next batter, Justine Bateman, grounded to third, and Ramshakle slid into the second baseman, Billy Gonzalez, with all of her might.
That led to a Pezzati to throw peanuts and Cracker Jacks from the side of the field.
The slide was late, Gonzalez deftly stepping out of harm’s way but threw wildly to first base. No matter. In 2016, it’s an automatic double play.
Pezzati serenaded Ramshackle with a slurry “Nana Nana, Nana Nana, hey, hey, goosebye!”
That was apparently the final straw for the opposing coach who charged across the field and speared Pezzati with her hornless head.
Pezzati’s double beer-straw helmet and sunglasses flew off. His head, somehow, stayed on.
“She got me pretty good,’’ Pezzati said after the game, “so I have to give her that.’’
In a matter of seconds, both teams were on the field spraying silly string, throwing beer pretzels and dousing each other with random fluid containers.
“It takes a bigger man,’’ Pezzati said, “to knock me down.’’
It’s going to take a really big man, if not a crazed one, to ever think about taking on Peters again after that goring.
The game was called on account of “excessive imbecility.” And there likely will be plenty of suspensions in its aftermath.
Yet, when it was over, DivorceHers co-coach Dr. Jimmy seemed almost proud of everyone going all old-school.
“I take offense at anyone who doesn’t want to play this game hard, drunk, and violently.’’