Tag: Mayor

Mayor Announces Push to Host Super Bowl in Coma

by Coma News Staff

Coma mayor Dave Anderson announced this week his intentions to submit an application next month for the town to host the NFL Super Bowl.

“Why not us?,” Anderson asked in a statement released on Monday. “We’re just as good as Houston or Phoenix. And I think we’re a little bit better and Minneapolis. And that’s not me trying to take a shot at Minneapolis. I’m just being honest.”

While the official requirements to host a Super Bowl are not published, some criteria that has come out over the years would appear to eliminate Coma as being a viable option, including:

  • NFL requires a “climate-controlled domed stadium” if average temperature for the region falls below 50 degrees.
  • Exclusive, cost-free use of 35,000 parking spaces for game-day parking
  • NFL requires usage of three golf courses and two bowling alleys

Coma’s average temperature for February over the past decade has been 44 degrees, requiring the town to provide a climate-controlled domed stadium. Anderson said that while the town does not have any plans for such a venue, “a few tarps or one of those big-ass canopies” over the high school football field “may do the trick.”

As for parking, Coma has approximately 540 parking spaces when considering both public and private parking available in town. Anderson said this may be a bit of an issue but is hopeful that a solution involving buses, carpooling and some “creative tinkering” may get the town closer to the 35,000 required.

While Coma does feature two bowling alleys, the town has only one golf-related activity; Putters Putt-Putt Golf and Arcade. Anderson said he felt confident he could work something out with the league in terms of golfing amenities.

“You just have to know how to deal with these guys,” a confident Anderson said. “Grease their palms with a ten or twenty dollar bill, and suddenly, you’re in the game.”

Anderson is appointing a special committee to assemble the proposal and hopes to have it submitted before the league deadline of February 19.

“We can do anything we set our minds to,” Anderson said. “We are only limited by our imaginations, ambition and a lack of hotel rooms.”

Coma Mayor is Not “Pro Cancer”

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, announced an initiative that focuses on women constituents this week, and also reiterated that despite recent comments made by political rivals, he is not, in fact, a pro-cancer Mayor.

“I can’t stress how completely false these accusations are,” Anderson said at a town meeting on Tuesday evening. “I dislike every form of cancer.”

Recent rumors have circulated throughout Coma that Anderson was “soft” on cancer. This criticism is on the heels of him canceling all runs and walks for cancer in the Town citing traffic issues and lack of funding for security.


“I can see it,” local business owner and amateur politician, Jax Owen said. “I got that vibe the first time I shook his hand. Just had that I’m-not-a-friend-of-cancer vibe. Except the ta-ta cancer. He seems to have an interest in the ta-ta cancer.”

Anderson spent nearly two hours explaining his position on every form of cancer while fielding a variety of questions.

“He had little knowledge about what cancer actually is but that did not stop him from talking about most forms of cancer.” said Coma’s Dr. Jimmy. “It might be best for him to leave technical explanations to medical professionals rather than reading it from a medical journal where he mispronounces most of the words.”

The mayor said he hoped this explanation would put the issue to rest, but according to some, the mayor may have left the door open for future opponents.

“He did say he disliked cancer,” Dee Collins said. “But, well, he didn’t say he ‘hated’ it. I think people wanted to hear him say he hated cancer’s guts. Just makes you wonder if he doesn’t harbor some affection for the deadly disease.”