Not long ago I was happily living my own life, running for re-election and collecting numerous campaign donations, when I realized “Women don’t seem very excited about my candidacy.” So, I asked Focus Group Bigfoot to get a group of women together to find out how they felt about me. It turns out that women “really can’t stand” me.
Focus Group Bigfoot gave me a simple dictionary to try and help me understand women better and I am still pretty confused.
So I did what any supporter of empowerment would do: Launched a new development in town, similar to a Place for Those guys, where women could all go to live together in special tiny houses. But I’ve since realized that it takes a whole Town of Coma to raise The Wimin’s Vyllyge.
Here’s how you can provide us critical sponsorship support today:
1) What is Sponsorship? Sponsorship is a special kind of giving that creates a relationship between you and a wimin to create real and lasting change. It provides more than mortgage payments and Blue Apron purchases. There’s also funding opportunities for Aztec dance classes, tactile gardening experience courses, Pilates, and pillow-beating therapy for getting over your ex.
2) Who gets the funding? Money is not given directly to the wimin but rather funneled through a series of offshore accounts administered by a trusted public servant.
3) Will my sponsorship connect me with an actual wimin? Yes. You have the opportunity to choose specific wimin and to communicate with them through online vyllyge chatrooms. This allows you to interact with your sponsored wimin and establish a friendship that will carry special meaning for you both.
4) How will my sponsorship donation be used? While many residents are sponsored by donations from ex-hisbinds, some donors are in arrears with their payments. Your donations will fund collection opportunities from them.
5) Are my contributions tax deductible? No, but love is (this does not constitute legal tax advice).
6) How about education? Donations also help vyllyge residents pursue community college adult education, undergraduate degrees as primal scream therapists, pottery, artistic photography careers, and graduate degrees in creative writing.
7) Can I give a gift sponsorship?
Yes. You are able to share the gift of sponsorship by filling out the contact information of a surly neighbor, former friend or estranged family member and we will pursue them as sponsors for as long as our legal funding allows.
8) Can I send gifts to my wimin?
Modest gifts, such as tote bags, throw pillows, gift certificates for facials, Coach purses, and empowering bumper stickers may be sent to sponsored wimin. Individual gifts can be lost in the unreliable USPS, so Mayor Anderson offers hand delivery.
9) Can I cancel my sponsorship? What will happen? Sponsorship is voluntary–unlike spousal support–there is no contract involved, however our programs are designed to last an average of 35 years and provide a unique opportunity to build a relationship with a wimin.
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