Archive for: October 2015

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Oct. 13 Living no comments
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Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

 

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Thumb Musical Instrument

I looked it up, I think it is called a Mbira, possibly made in Africa. It was purchased at thousand villages store and plays 5 notes or would play five notes if I had not left it out in the rain. Very expensive and small, but a fun decoration piece if you clean it. If interested, please include day and 2 hour pickup window. Thanks! Warning: this was left out in the rain so it is very rusty and doesn’t make any sounds other than a clicking sound.

mbira_fwd

[FreecycleComa] ISO Self inflating camping mat, camping gear, companionship

Taking a trip in the Okefenokee and sleeping on a wooden platform and I don’t have any camping gear. I would love to have a warm body to sleep with as well (Not a dog. I have a dog allergy.). If you have camping gear, a self inflating camping mat and like camping– email me. This will be a great trip if you have gear a mat and are mildly attractive. Thanks! The pic below is me on my last camping trip. The girl who came with me disappeared somehow.

funny-picture-6930

John Donaldson goodtogocamp (at) gmail.com

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

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Coma Gets NFL Training Camp

Oct. 10 Sports no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

Washington’s professional football team has moved it’s training camp for the 2016-2017  season to the Town of Coma.

The owner of the team formerly known as the Redskins, Daniel Snyder, said that the move was a “stroke of marketing genius,” despite Coma’s distance from Washington DC.

 “The Washington Snyderians have found the right mix of amenities and pliability in the Town of Coma,” Snyder said.

The move will bring to Coma for the five months of pre-season workouts the entire 52-man roster, which consists entirely of Snyder’s cloned copies. The coaching staff also are Snyder clones.

“No more will this team be held back by the involvement of those insufficiently committed to its success,” Snyder said.

Redskins starting quarterback, affectionately referred to as DS3 (Daniel Snyder III) , said he was excited about the new season.

“There will be no more distracting talk of friction between coaches, players and owners because we are all of one mind–literally, ” DS3 said.

DS3 looks to take the team to the SuperBowl in 2015.

DS3 looks to take the team to the SuperBowl in 2015.

Paying visitors to training camp also will  get a sneak preview of the Tanya Snyder Experience, which replaced the Redskin’s cheerleaders. Tanya’s innovative “cheer yoga,” which is similar to standard yoga workout routine, will be recorded and displayed on holographic projectors at the four corners of the field during games.

“From a marketing standpoint, it was a no-brainer,” Snyder said.

And it appears that Snyder is not yet finished innovating. He has launched discussions with Mayor Dave Anderson on renaming Coma to Snydertown, Snydertopia, or Simply Snyder.

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Coma Has 48 Hours

Oct. 07 News no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

Forty eight hours will no longer just refer to the seventh-highest grossing
Film of 1982.

In Coma, it’s now the law.

The Town Council this week required residents to provide 48 hours notice before engaging in any public activity.

“This common sense, limited requirement will keep people from impulsively making a lot of the stupid decisions that put the chatacters of ’48 Hours’ in so many tough spots,” Mayor Dave Anderson said.

In honor of the landmark film, which inspired the new requirement, the Town Council dubbed it “Give Me 48 Hours.”

“A lot can happen in 48 hours, half of Los Angeles can be destroyed or a criminal and a renegade cop can finally understand each other and become close friends,” Anderson said. “And that’s the point. Give me 48 if you want to be great.”

What will the 48 hour advanced notice requirement apply to?

48hours

“Everything.” said Councilperson Natalie Peters. “The question should be what doesn’t it apply to and then the answer would be ‘nothing.'”

In other words, the 48 hour advance notice and waiting period applies to any public activity outside of your personal property.

Want to take a walk to Coma Super Drippy for a double scoop of Rocky Road?

“You’re welcome to do so after you get a permit and go through the 48 hour cooling off period,” Peters said.

Taking your dog to poop in the toddler park?
Permit.
Filling your spacious gas tank? Permit.
Getting another buzz haircut? Permit.
Going for dinner at one of Coma’s three quality dining establishments? Permit.

“The problem comes down to people are stupid and ugly,” said Anderson, who is in a surprisingly tight re-election fight.

But the new requirement and its cinematic inspiration have their share of naysayers.

“People who are anything like the main characters of this flick are just gonna ignore this rule because they’re batcrap crazy,” said Councilman Jax Owen.

Dr. Jimmy, Coma physician, said the new ordinance was unlikely to keep craziness from ensuing in town.

“Aberrant human behavior can’t be solved with a simple timeframe, any more than Eddie Murphy could have restarted that car after three years of it just sitting there untouched,” Dr. Jimmy said.

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Putting the “Bus” Back in “Busker”

Oct. 06 News no comments
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By Coma News Daily Staff

Do you like your bus rides to come with a side of Baby Boomer folk music?

If not, you’d better get used to the idea because a new program created by the Coma Town Council aims to boost public transit ridership by employing local entertainers to perform on public transit vehicles, as well as at stations and stops.

“We finally found a way for these people to contribute something to society after taking for so, so long,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters.

Applications are welcome from all types of entertainers–except mimes, clowns and jugglers. Magicians are asked to refrain from any illusions involving fire or saws for liability purposes.

“Test buses featuring clowns turned out to be a nightmare for children, but we’ll probably call them back for Halloween,” a sweaty Mayor Dave Anderson said during a press conference announcing the initiative.

As long as the scene looks good and artsy it doesn't matter how well this girl dances or if the guys is a good musician.

As long as the scene looks good and artsy it doesn’t matter how well this girl dances or if the guys is a good musician.

Local political observers wondered if Anderson is getting desperate as the looming mayoral election appears to favor Russell Stonewall.

The idea for the Get Art on the Go program came out of a series of complaints about the Coma Community College of Arts and Craft’s almost nonexistent post-graduate employment rate.

What separates this musician from a homeless man is a QR code and his ability to play some "wicked tunes".

What separates this musician from a homeless man is a QR code and his ability to play some “wicked tunes”.

“GAG will finally get my nearly middle age son the audience that his virtuoso lute playing so richly deserves,” said Bob Smith-Smith, a local advocate for the $3 million program.

Should GAG work out, Town Council members said they’ll consider expanding the program to workplaces as well.

All applicants must clear a police cavity search and a talent screening before a panel of judges, which will be broadcast on Coma Public Television.

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Boomers Know Best: A New Beginning

Oct. 06 Living no comments
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Boomer Knows Best is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written for those super confused and constantly failing “other generations” that don’t get “it”.getwhatsyours

By Bob and Allie Smith-Smith

Hello, and welcome to the inaugural column by the Smith-Smiths!

As two long-time residents of Coma, we have gotten so much from this town.

We met as young idealistic flower children when we moved to Coma as part of the prestigious federal Teaching how to Apply for Benefits program.

But Coma’s summer of STIs in 1969 couldn’t last forever and eventually we had to get teaching jobs in the local public schools and settle down.

That’s when we got married and started a family. Together we raised three perfect children, launched a local business (Bob’s Mart!), became elected leaders (School Board for Allie and Town Council for Bob), and eventually divorced. Bob has since remarried.

And now that we’ve stepped back from our elected duties we realized that we are two divorced people who together have so much to give back. More importantly, we’ve found that there’s a huge unmet need for our insight and guidance–especially among our adult children, the Gen Xers. They’re sadly incapable of parenting or marriage, financially supporting their families, or pretty much anything else.

But no fear, Coma. Help has arrived and will be freely offered through this column. So, feel free to write and ask for our advise. And if you don’t, we’ll provide it anyway!

Until then, like us hippies used to say, question your authority over yourself!

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