Panties Stolen, Politician Fingered

By Coma News Staff
Could a political neophyte’s budding career get smothered by piles of stolen underwear?
A growing number of female underwear thefts have been allegedly linked in to Jax Owen, a Coma businessman and candidate for Town Council.
One theft victim, Marybell Davis, a local private detective, said the evidence against Owen was suspicious.
“There was a thank you note saying ‘Thanks for man fuel-signed Jax’ but Jax never writes handwritten notes,” Davis said. “You’re lucky if he sends a birthday card.”

pantythief1

This sign has been put up around Coma by an anonymous member of the community who doesn’t know how to spell ‘stealing’.

Owen has adamantly denied involvement in the thefts and alleged political motives in the theft possibly by his opponent.
“I have no need to leave a note if I remove someone’s panties,” Owen said.
Natalie Peters, a Town Council member seeking re-election this fall, said the allegations have tainted Owen’s campaign with the wiff of both “sad desperation and violence against underwear.”
Members of the public appeared generally bored with the town’s latest political Kerfluffle.
“People want results from their leaders and not underwear as usual.” said Dr. Jimmy, as he lounged in his boxer briefs by the pool at his assisted living facility.
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Fostnib declined to confirm or deny whether Owen was a suspect in the crimes.
“We continue to investigate the panty raider but until he–or she–is caught I suggest Coma females keep their panties on–or locked up,” Frostnib said.

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