Tag: romance

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

jax 2

ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from Hayneedle.com. This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.




New Dating Website Offers Romance for Fans of 15th Century Weaponry

By Coma News Staff

After a series of less-than-satisfying dating experiences and trouble finding women who shared his interests, Coma physician and entrepreneur Dr. Jimmy, recently launched a first-of-its-kind dating website for people passionate about 15th century weaponry.

Called ThineChaliceofLove.com, the website resembles and functions much like a standard dating service website with one significant difference; users at Thine Chalice of Love all share a deep passion for weapons, armor and field tactics from the 15th century.

ThineChalice ad

According to Dr. Jimmy, the websites ensures that he and other users are only looking at profiles of people with an affinity for arbalests, crossbows and Franciscas while eliminating the mystery of whether a potential mate has a favorite style of petard or mangonel.

“I got tired of other dating websites that didn’t allow you to quickly identify other lovers of 15th century weaponry,” Dr. Jimmy said. “With Thine Chalice of Love, you know that everybody who is registered and posting knows the difference between a pollax and a bardiche. This saves time for everyone.”

Since the site launched in October, nearly three people have already registered. And while none of the current members are female, Dr. Jimmy is confident that will change once word of the site gets out.

“There are a lot of hot, single women who love 15th century weaponry and want to be in a committed relationship,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Secretly, I believe most women like a man who knows a thing or two about medieval blades and battle axes. It’s sexy. Sexy sells.”

Dr. Jimmy said some of the initial issues the website faced was the fact that all three male members used the word Longswordsman in their member name, which caused some confusion among users. Since that time, two of the members have changed their username and each user now has a clear and unique handle.

The website is hosting a live meet-up at the end of the month at a location to be determined but Dr. Jimmy hopes the event, which features collections of real swords, fauchards and glaives will appeal to “hot and horny women from all over Coma.”

“People told me this was a dumb idea because Coma isn’t big enough to support a dating website catering specifically to lovers of medieval weapons and armory,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Those people are going to feel pretty dumb when I start bedding fine, hot women all over town.”


Sales Languish for Bill O’Reilly Seduction Album

oreilly album 1

Although not known for his songwriting and singing skills, popular television host Bill O’Reilly created a bit of a stir in January 2013 with the release of his first full-length studio album titled “O’Reilly’s Gunna Set The Mood Up In This Bitch”. Recorded entirely over the course of a three-day weekend in the town of Coma, the album was intended to usher in a new age of seduction-style music. While initial sales of the album were promising, many critics and consumers had negative, even traumatic, reaction to O’Reilly’s attempt at singing and songwriting.

As Rolling Stone music critic Richard Hughes put it; “There are things in this world that, once heard, cannot be unheard.  Unfortunately, that is the case with ‘O’Reilly’s Gunna Set The Mood Up In This Bitch.’”

Hughes was not alone in criticizing the album.  Researchers at Long Beach State University in California conducted a six-month study on the effects the album had on couples who listened to it before initiating intimate contact.

“It’s quite disastrous,” lead research Dr. Paul Higgins said of the study.  “Not only does the record fail to incite even the most microscopic levels of sensuality, in many cases it has turned off listeners to the idea of having sex for months.”

oreilly album 3

Wilton Foster and his wife Eunora participated in the study and fall into that latter category of listeners.

“We haven’t knocked boots in almost nine months,” a dejected Foster said.  “Usually I’d be frustrated about that and maybe even mad at my wife, but I’m just as much to blame.  After listening to that album…well…it changed me.”

With 12 tracks on the album, including songs titled “Let’s Touch Our Private Parts Against Each Other,” “Man On A Mission(ary) Position,” “Imma Dress Up Like Henry Kissinger And Rock Your World” and “I’d Shake Your Hand But I’m Not In The Mood For Foreplay Tonight Baby,” the record was intended to help set the mood for millions of couples across the country.

“This entire project is a natural progression for Mr. O’Reilly,” O’Reilly spokesman Jeffery Bayer said.  “Mr. O’Reilly already appears in millions of living rooms every weeknight.  It only made sense that he transition into millions of bedrooms as well.”

For the Fosters, and thousands of couples across the country, only time will help heal the scars that were left after listening to the album.

“I was thinking this record would be like some really great old Luther Vandross or something,” Wilton Foster said.  “But it isn’t.  It’s nothing like that.  It’s like the anti-Viagra or something.  Dude can’t sing.  Dude can’t write.”

oreilly album 2

A sampling of some of the lyrics from the album, in the very least, will make the listener confused and maybe even disoriented for some time.  Below is an excerpt from O’Reilly’s “Lady, You’re Going To Get Love Making From An American Patriot Who Is Also A Virgin”:

“Our private parts are private/we keep them in our pants

I’d like to invite yours out tonight/like going to a dance

Just want to set the mood for us/set it good and well

Want to crack those legs open/like they was the Liberty Bell

Lady I’m a Patriot/Love this country strong

Lady I’m a Patriot/If that’s right I don’t wanna be wrong

Lady I’m a Patriot/I’m gonna put my sex on you

Lady I’m a Patriot/At sex-making, I’m brand new”

While many retailers have removed the album from their stores, including a number of online retailers, the album is still available at Wal-Marts across the country.