Tag: medieval

Physician To Open Coma’s First Medieval Medical Practice

by Coma News Daily Staff

Citing an “epic quest” to return to medicine’s roots, Coma physician Dr. Jimmy announced this week his plans to open the town’s first medieval medical practice this spring.

“Sometimes the old ways are the best ways,” Dr. Jimmy said. “People are hungry for alternative forms of traditional medicine. My new practice will provide a real alternative while still being soundly based in western medicine practices that go back hundreds of years.”

Medieval ad

The new practice, which Dr. Jimmy said will be called “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture,” will feature not only popular medieval medical services, like bloodletting and trepanning, but a full-breadth of long-forgotten procedures and practices to keep patients healthy.

“We’re way beyond simple leeching and drilling holes in people’s heads,” Dr. Jimmy said.  “We will be the first place people think of when they hear popular terms like boar-bile enemas, hot-iron hemorrhoid treatment and medical astrology.”

Dr. Jimmy said the new practice has been in the works for nearly a decade and is the culmination of a life-long dream. The transition from present day western medicine to the sometimes archaic practices of medieval ages was a challenge for the 40-year old physician.

“First, I had to unlearn the vast knowledge I’ve accumulated over the past 12 years,” Dr. Jimmy said. “You’re not going to find a lot of information on corpse medicine, animal dung ointments and wandering wombs at Johns Hopkins, if you know what I mean. It was a difficult process.”

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The new medical facility will feature a dungeon-like waiting room with “only the most current and popular golf, fashion and travel magazines,” along with a reception and nurse team bedecked in traditional medieval garments, robes and cloaks.

The biggest challenge Dr. Jimmy faced was from regulators and medical boards, who objected to what many call “unsafe and deadly” practices. Dr. Jimmy, however, said the traditional medical community is worried about nothing.

“Are we going to use urine as an antiseptic?” Dr. Jimmy asked rhetorically. “Yes. Are we going to give patients a brew of hemlock, opium and vinegar as an anesthetics? Yes. Guess what, that’s exactly what they did in the olden days and guess what, again? People are still around. Must not have been that bad.”

The new medical office is scheduled to open April 11 and new patients are encouraged to make appointments as soon as possible.

New Dating Website Offers Romance for Fans of 15th Century Weaponry

By Coma News Staff

After a series of less-than-satisfying dating experiences and trouble finding women who shared his interests, Coma physician and entrepreneur Dr. Jimmy, recently launched a first-of-its-kind dating website for people passionate about 15th century weaponry.

Called ThineChaliceofLove.com, the website resembles and functions much like a standard dating service website with one significant difference; users at Thine Chalice of Love all share a deep passion for weapons, armor and field tactics from the 15th century.

ThineChalice ad

According to Dr. Jimmy, the websites ensures that he and other users are only looking at profiles of people with an affinity for arbalests, crossbows and Franciscas while eliminating the mystery of whether a potential mate has a favorite style of petard or mangonel.

“I got tired of other dating websites that didn’t allow you to quickly identify other lovers of 15th century weaponry,” Dr. Jimmy said. “With Thine Chalice of Love, you know that everybody who is registered and posting knows the difference between a pollax and a bardiche. This saves time for everyone.”

Since the site launched in October, nearly three people have already registered. And while none of the current members are female, Dr. Jimmy is confident that will change once word of the site gets out.

“There are a lot of hot, single women who love 15th century weaponry and want to be in a committed relationship,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Secretly, I believe most women like a man who knows a thing or two about medieval blades and battle axes. It’s sexy. Sexy sells.”

Dr. Jimmy said some of the initial issues the website faced was the fact that all three male members used the word Longswordsman in their member name, which caused some confusion among users. Since that time, two of the members have changed their username and each user now has a clear and unique handle.

The website is hosting a live meet-up at the end of the month at a location to be determined but Dr. Jimmy hopes the event, which features collections of real swords, fauchards and glaives will appeal to “hot and horny women from all over Coma.”

“People told me this was a dumb idea because Coma isn’t big enough to support a dating website catering specifically to lovers of medieval weapons and armory,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Those people are going to feel pretty dumb when I start bedding fine, hot women all over town.”