Tag: jax owen

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

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ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from Hayneedle.com. This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.




Tourism Campaign Draws Criticism

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By Coma News Staff

A new Coma tourism ad campaign has drawn criticism for its  depiction of Mayor Dave Anderson with a host of scantily clad women and a suggestive tagline with “scandalous undertones.”  The sexually-charged ads debuted in weekly newspapers across the midwest last weekend.

According to Anderson, the ads were designed to “sexy up” the small town in an effort to attract visitors from across the country by suggesting a “reasonable expectation of sexual intercourse.”

“Sex sells,” Anderson said.  “We need to get people walking around our streets, staying at our motel and spending money. The ‘Spring Break’ initiative worked well and this is the next step.”

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The ads feature the mayor with female models in a variety of situations with the suggestive tagline “You’re about to get laid.”  While critics say the ads promote unsafe sex and tarnish the city’s reputation, Anderson said the ads highlight the many fun activities the town has to offer and that the sexual undertones are subtle and nuanced.

His critics disagree.

“I’ve seen more nuance on a children’s cereal box,” councilmember Bob Smith-Smith said.  “I thought it was an ad for an escort service.”

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Jax Owen, a local used-car dealer and head of the Coma Tourism Commission, developed the campaign and said that ultimately the ads should be judged on the results.

“If I was sitting around some little shithole in Albequerque, Mexico and saw an ad like this guess where I’m going to be once I clear customs?  I’m going to be in Coma to get laid by a paramedic or a lady selling jeans,” Owen said.

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Anderson, who recently suffered a setback on educational reform, said that while he was disappointed with the reaction to the tourism campaign, he was in the “you’re about to get laid” business for the long haul.



Coma Couple’s House Haunted?

Micah Horncraft and his wife, Cindy, believe their home may be haunted

Is A Ghost Haunting a Coma Couple’s Home?

By Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft didn’t want to believe it. “It’s something you see in movies but don’t think could ever happen to you,” the 30-year old husband and curator at the Coma Futurist Society said. “But after seeing the things I’ve seen over the past six months and talking to my wife about it, I am a believer.”

Horncraft and his wife Cindy live in a quiet, serene neighborhood in Coma. The couple has lived in the home for nearly three years. Micah says there was nothing out of the ordinary in regards to their home, but that all changed one rainy afternoon in early May when Micah came home early from work.

“I walked in the front door and could hear this low moaning sound coming from somewhere upstairs,” explained Micah. “It was kind of spooky so I went to investigate. The moaning stopped suddenly. I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was taking a nap in our bedroom and she said she didn’t hear anything. But she was kind of clammy and out of breath. At the time I didn’t think much of it but later realized she may have had a poltergeist-style experience while she was sleeping.”

From that point on, however, the strange occurrences only escalated. Approximately one week later, Micah discovered a pair of men’s underwear underneath his bed.


Pair of underwear Micah discovered under his bed. Horncraft believes the men’s underwear were left by the ghost.

“I was at a loss. They weren’t my underwear,” Micah said. “That’s when my wife, Cindy, suggested that the house was haunted.”

At first, Micah didn’t buy it. He thought there had to be another explanation for what was happening.

“Cindy was convinced there was a ghost,” Micah explained. “She said it would explain the moaning sounds I heard. She also said she did some research on the internet and that it’s pretty common for ghosts to steal men’s underwear from one dimension and leave it in our dimension. So things kind of started to make sense.”

In June, Micah discovered an open Trojan condom wrapper in the bathroom, which only intensified the mystery surrounding their wayward spiritual visitor.

“That kind of freaked me out,” he said. “My wife though, who has really remained calm throughout this entire experience, discovered that, once again, this was not out of the ordinary. Apparently some ghosts will have intercourse and then leave their condom wrappers lying around.”

Fortunately for Micah and Cindy, they were not alone in investigating the bizarre supernatural events happening in their home. According to Micah, Jax Owen, a neighbor and used-car salesman, has taken a deep interest in the situation.

Micah's neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncraft's during their ordeal

Micah’s neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncrafts during their ordeal

“I don’t know what I would do without Jax’s help,” Micah said. “He’s been there for Cindy and me and has really gone above and beyond in terms of trying to help us make sense of the situation.”

According to Horncraft, Owen became involved in July. Micah said he came home from work and went upstairs to find Owen in his bedroom with his wife.

“Cindy had gotten a little bit shaken by some noises she had heard and asked Jax to come over and investigate,” Micah explained. “Thank god we have a neighbor willing to help out like that.”

Shortly after that incident, Owen suggested to the couple that the three of them conduct a “ghost hunt.” Owen secured specialized equipment that would allow them to sense the presence of a spirit. The equipment included a variety of recording devices, microphones, cameras and earplugs.

“The plan was that we would spread out and each monitor different parts of the house,” Micah said. “I was stationed in the basement and Cindy and Jax were stationed upstairs in our bedroom.”

Micah said Jax gave him a microphone, a recorder and a set of industrial-strength ear plugs and instructed him to remain in the basement for the night and record anything unusual that he heard. Micah said the evening was uneventful and he ended up falling asleep midway through the night. But what he discovered in the early-morning hours the next day shook him too the core.

“I went upstairs and found Cindy naked and sleeping on the floor of our bedroom,” Micah said. “I searched for Jax and found him in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. He was also naked. Things were just getting way too creepy for me.”

According to Cindy, she had no recollection of the night and did not know how she ended up naked on the floor of their bedroom. Owen was similarly mystified. He said he woke up naked in the kitchen and was suddenly very hungry so he made himself a sandwich.

“This ghost or spirit or whatever it is has gone too far,” Micah said. “When it starts possessing my wife’s body, well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Horncraft claims to have had first-hand contact with the spirit. After a late shift at work, he came home and saw the ghost in his living room. He said the shadowy figure rushed out of the room. Horncraft was so shaken by the incident that he quickly sketched out a drawing of what he saw before it escaped his mind.


A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

“I think he was going to try to possess Cindy,” Micah said.  “She fell asleep on the couch and when I woke her up she was sweaty and her heart was racing. She later told me that she felt him trying to possess her body so that’s when I figured that he was probably trying to possess her body.”

While Horncraft has urged his wife that the two of them should consult a paranormal expert to investigate the matter further, Cindy is convinced the couple can handle this situation on their own, with the help of trusty neighbor, Jax.

“Cindy thinks the best way to handle a haunting like this is to keep it between the two of us. And Jax of course. I am so grateful for Jax,” Micah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t know how we would have made it through all of this without his help.”

At press time, the couple was still dealing with strange occurrences. Micah recently asked Jax to stay at the house on the nights he has to work late to help look after Cindy. Sources confirm that Jax has agreed to do so.