Tag: paranormal

I Think Aliens Provide Lawn Care Service in My Neighborhood

Editor’s note: As part of Coma News’ community outreach, the following blog excerpt is one of a selection of local online postings we will re-publish by residents and business owners.

Artist's depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor's lawn recently like it was no big deal.

Artist’s depiction of what Steve Phillips says is an alien mowing his neighbor’s lawn recently like it was no big deal.

 

By: Steve Phillips, Stoner, Coma Cultural Icon, Spokesperson for Alan’s Vape and Vinyl

I’m pretty sure aliens from outer space have started a small lawn care service in my neighborhood.

Last week I was sleeping and heard a lawnmower going and I thought, “who the hell mows their lawn at 2:30 in the afternoon?” (inconsiderate).  I got up and peeked out the window and I saw this alien guy mowing the neighbor’s lawn.

I told some of my friends and clients and they all thought I was seeing things.  But I have been watching movies on television for almost my entire life and think I know what aliens look like.

This alien had green skin and a long beard (kind of like Jesus, but no hair).  He was wearing khaki shorts, a t-shirt and a ball cap and was just mowing lawn like it was the most normal thing ever.

He must have used some kind of mulching mower because there was no bag on the mower and I didn’t see any clippings or clumps of grass getting scattered around.  Mulching mowers are the only way to go.  That motherfucker invested his money well when he bought that mower.  He doesn’t have to worry about raking and bagging.

That’s the worse part is the raking and bagging.

But where did he buy his lawnmower?  I don’t think aliens would just walk into a hardware store like it was no big deal and start buying lawnmowers.

That don’t add up in my mind.  Maybe he borrowed it?  That makes more sense.  Especially if he borrowed it from an alien friend or something.  Then nobody is walking around a hardware store asking where they keep their mulching mowers.

I decided to ask him about it.  I opened my window and I yelled out “hey, alien-guy, where’d you get that lawnmower?” but I don’t think he could hear me over the sound of the lawnmower.

All-in-all, he did pretty good work on the lawn.  I would appreciate it in the future if he didn’t mow the lawn at such a ridiculous hour, but I can’t complain about the quality of his mow.

The bigger question is what is going on around here?  It feels like we are in the midst of a serious alien invasion.  First they built convenience stores overnight and now they’re mowing lawns?  Last month, and I haven’t told anybody about this yet, but I swear I heard an alien doing a weather report on the local radio.  I still need to look into that one.

I’m going to report this to city officials.  I tried reporting it to the police last time I was arrested for possession but they didn’t seem to care.  They are likely involved in the conspiracy in some capacity.  But Mayor Anderson seems like a pretty stand-up dude so I’m hoping he will listen and help us discover the truth.

Anyhow, I wanted everyone to know about this because I wasn’t able to get any pictures because my phone doesn’t have a camera on it.

Maybe you can be on the lookout and take some photos so we have evidence.  Secondly, I wanted everyone to know there is a new option in town for affordable lawn care services.

1921- Cursed Nursing Home Closes Its Doors

By Coma News Intern and Historian Stan Bargmeyer

The O’Brien Family Nursing Home and Community Center closed its doors in February, 1921 amid growing fears by citizens the retirement home was cursed by evil entities of darkness and death.

nursing home

Rumors about a curse on the facility began following the mysterious and tragic deaths of eight residents within the first three years of operation.

-Jacklyn Severs- Died mysteriously in her sleep at the age of 87.

-Peter Montigue- Died mysteriously in his sleep at the age of 94.

-Richard “Hootie” Davis- Died mysteriously during a nap at the age of 89.

-Clayton Horncraft- Died mysteriously after falling down a flight of stairs at the age of 97.

-Henry R. Prather III- Died mysteriously after choking on a hot dog at the age of 85.

-Bertha Dimwiddle- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 92.

-Mary “Slutty Mary” Dupree- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 101.

-Amos Rivers- Died mysteriously after escaping the nursing home and being run over by a truck at the age of 90.

Concerned about the baffling and unexplained tragedies, Geoffrey O’Brien invited a priest and paranormal expert from the local Coma Catholic church to investigate further. The investigator, Fr. Seamus O’Donnelly, determined the facility was cursed by what was likely a “Demonic Peruvian Deity” that could not be removed by dousing it with a holy water and seltzer concoction since it was the facility that was cursed and not a human being.

Astonishingly, over the next 90 years, everyone who was involved with the operation of the nursing home or the investigation died.

 

Coma Couple’s House Haunted?

Micah Horncraft and his wife, Cindy, believe their home may be haunted

Is A Ghost Haunting a Coma Couple’s Home?

By Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft didn’t want to believe it. “It’s something you see in movies but don’t think could ever happen to you,” the 30-year old husband and curator at the Coma Futurist Society said. “But after seeing the things I’ve seen over the past six months and talking to my wife about it, I am a believer.”

Horncraft and his wife Cindy live in a quiet, serene neighborhood in Coma. The couple has lived in the home for nearly three years. Micah says there was nothing out of the ordinary in regards to their home, but that all changed one rainy afternoon in early May when Micah came home early from work.

“I walked in the front door and could hear this low moaning sound coming from somewhere upstairs,” explained Micah. “It was kind of spooky so I went to investigate. The moaning stopped suddenly. I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was taking a nap in our bedroom and she said she didn’t hear anything. But she was kind of clammy and out of breath. At the time I didn’t think much of it but later realized she may have had a poltergeist-style experience while she was sleeping.”

From that point on, however, the strange occurrences only escalated. Approximately one week later, Micah discovered a pair of men’s underwear underneath his bed.

underwear

Pair of underwear Micah discovered under his bed. Horncraft believes the men’s underwear were left by the ghost.

“I was at a loss. They weren’t my underwear,” Micah said. “That’s when my wife, Cindy, suggested that the house was haunted.”

At first, Micah didn’t buy it. He thought there had to be another explanation for what was happening.

“Cindy was convinced there was a ghost,” Micah explained. “She said it would explain the moaning sounds I heard. She also said she did some research on the internet and that it’s pretty common for ghosts to steal men’s underwear from one dimension and leave it in our dimension. So things kind of started to make sense.”

In June, Micah discovered an open Trojan condom wrapper in the bathroom, which only intensified the mystery surrounding their wayward spiritual visitor.

“That kind of freaked me out,” he said. “My wife though, who has really remained calm throughout this entire experience, discovered that, once again, this was not out of the ordinary. Apparently some ghosts will have intercourse and then leave their condom wrappers lying around.”

Fortunately for Micah and Cindy, they were not alone in investigating the bizarre supernatural events happening in their home. According to Micah, Jax Owen, a neighbor and used-car salesman, has taken a deep interest in the situation.

Micah's neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncraft's during their ordeal

Micah’s neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncrafts during their ordeal

“I don’t know what I would do without Jax’s help,” Micah said. “He’s been there for Cindy and me and has really gone above and beyond in terms of trying to help us make sense of the situation.”

According to Horncraft, Owen became involved in July. Micah said he came home from work and went upstairs to find Owen in his bedroom with his wife.

“Cindy had gotten a little bit shaken by some noises she had heard and asked Jax to come over and investigate,” Micah explained. “Thank god we have a neighbor willing to help out like that.”

Shortly after that incident, Owen suggested to the couple that the three of them conduct a “ghost hunt.” Owen secured specialized equipment that would allow them to sense the presence of a spirit. The equipment included a variety of recording devices, microphones, cameras and earplugs.

“The plan was that we would spread out and each monitor different parts of the house,” Micah said. “I was stationed in the basement and Cindy and Jax were stationed upstairs in our bedroom.”

Micah said Jax gave him a microphone, a recorder and a set of industrial-strength ear plugs and instructed him to remain in the basement for the night and record anything unusual that he heard. Micah said the evening was uneventful and he ended up falling asleep midway through the night. But what he discovered in the early-morning hours the next day shook him too the core.

“I went upstairs and found Cindy naked and sleeping on the floor of our bedroom,” Micah said. “I searched for Jax and found him in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. He was also naked. Things were just getting way too creepy for me.”

According to Cindy, she had no recollection of the night and did not know how she ended up naked on the floor of their bedroom. Owen was similarly mystified. He said he woke up naked in the kitchen and was suddenly very hungry so he made himself a sandwich.

“This ghost or spirit or whatever it is has gone too far,” Micah said. “When it starts possessing my wife’s body, well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Horncraft claims to have had first-hand contact with the spirit. After a late shift at work, he came home and saw the ghost in his living room. He said the shadowy figure rushed out of the room. Horncraft was so shaken by the incident that he quickly sketched out a drawing of what he saw before it escaped his mind.

 

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

“I think he was going to try to possess Cindy,” Micah said.  “She fell asleep on the couch and when I woke her up she was sweaty and her heart was racing. She later told me that she felt him trying to possess her body so that’s when I figured that he was probably trying to possess her body.”

While Horncraft has urged his wife that the two of them should consult a paranormal expert to investigate the matter further, Cindy is convinced the couple can handle this situation on their own, with the help of trusty neighbor, Jax.

“Cindy thinks the best way to handle a haunting like this is to keep it between the two of us. And Jax of course. I am so grateful for Jax,” Micah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t know how we would have made it through all of this without his help.”

At press time, the couple was still dealing with strange occurrences. Micah recently asked Jax to stay at the house on the nights he has to work late to help look after Cindy. Sources confirm that Jax has agreed to do so.