Tag: death

Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney, 106, Dies Tragically in His Sleep

by Coma News Staff

Coma resident Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney passed away peacefully in his sleep this week at the age of 106 in what many are calling a tragic death of the town’s oldest citizen.

“He was just starting to live,” Dabney’s doctor, Dr. Jimmy said.  “One minute you’re a vibrant, bed-ridden 106-year old man and the next minute, you’re dead.”

Mourners, many of whom were inconsolable, stood outside Dabney’s nursing home in an impromptu memorial.  Many wept openly and tried to make sense of what some are calling a “senseless” death.

“How does this happen here?” Coma resident Dee Collins said. “It’s the kind of stuff you see on the news or a ripped-from-the-headlines movie of the week.  It’s surreal.”

grumpy-old-man

ABOVE: Photo of Dabney from 1984 during a rally he organized to ban dancing in an effort he hoped would prevent the town from turning into one of those “Footloose communes.” Dabney also sought to “send those immigrants back to China or England on a boat.”

Dabney, who earned his nickname “Cinnamon Boots” during prohibition where he served as a cinnamon runner for local moonshiners, was remembered by mourners as a curt, almost helpless curmudgeon who incessantly complained about the sodium levels of his soup and the “damn foreign nurses” who were trying to kill him.

After serving heroically as a warehouse supply clerk in San Antonio during World War II, “Cinnamon Boots” returned home to Coma after the war and was mostly forgotten about until his 100th birthday party celebration in 2009.

Many who gathered at the makeshift memorial reflected on Dabney’s life and the very nature of life and death itself.

“Makes you think that none of us are immune to things like death,” Jax Owen, one of the many mourners, said. “I’m just trying to make sense of it all. There are a lot more questions than answers right now.”

Mayor Dave Anderson released a statement yesterday afternoon urging the town to “persevere through such tragedy” as “all great communities do.”

“The great crisis of our time is now before us,” Anderson’s statement read.  “While we have been reduced to ashes emotionally as we struggle to understand how a relatively unhealthy, decrepit 106-year-old man suddenly passes away, I am confident in our ability to rebuild our community, survive this tragedy and become a better version of our former selves.”

Dabney has no known living relatives.  A formal memorial service is being planned and the town will be offering counseling services for citizens who may need support to deal with the tragedy.

1921- Cursed Nursing Home Closes Its Doors

By Coma News Intern and Historian Stan Bargmeyer

The O’Brien Family Nursing Home and Community Center closed its doors in February, 1921 amid growing fears by citizens the retirement home was cursed by evil entities of darkness and death.

nursing home

Rumors about a curse on the facility began following the mysterious and tragic deaths of eight residents within the first three years of operation.

-Jacklyn Severs- Died mysteriously in her sleep at the age of 87.

-Peter Montigue- Died mysteriously in his sleep at the age of 94.

-Richard “Hootie” Davis- Died mysteriously during a nap at the age of 89.

-Clayton Horncraft- Died mysteriously after falling down a flight of stairs at the age of 97.

-Henry R. Prather III- Died mysteriously after choking on a hot dog at the age of 85.

-Bertha Dimwiddle- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 92.

-Mary “Slutty Mary” Dupree- Died mysteriously following a furnace explosion and fire at the age of 101.

-Amos Rivers- Died mysteriously after escaping the nursing home and being run over by a truck at the age of 90.

Concerned about the baffling and unexplained tragedies, Geoffrey O’Brien invited a priest and paranormal expert from the local Coma Catholic church to investigate further. The investigator, Fr. Seamus O’Donnelly, determined the facility was cursed by what was likely a “Demonic Peruvian Deity” that could not be removed by dousing it with a holy water and seltzer concoction since it was the facility that was cursed and not a human being.

Astonishingly, over the next 90 years, everyone who was involved with the operation of the nursing home or the investigation died.

 

Ways You Could Die #2

phone knife

WAYS YOU COULD DIE #2

A 40-part series by Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician, Divorced Father, Sometimes Goth, Weekend Raver

I am constantly asked about death.

Most people who come to visit me in my office are concerned about one thing; are they going to die?

In most cases the answer is yes, they are going to die at some point.

The reality stirs anxiety in my patients and I realized that I could help ease their concerns if I reminded them they are likely to die of heart disease or cancer and not from some terrible, horrific accident.

I’ve created a series of graphic descriptions on the many manners of death a person is not likely to die.

This series has been therapeutic to my patients and I’m hoping it will help you as well.

So please enjoy and remember that although the description below is plausible, you are far more likely to die from some run-of-the-mill disease or auto accident.

ANSWERING A KNIFE PHONE

It is almost a certainty that sometime in the near future, a smart phone with a knife attachment will be invented.

This will represent the culmination of thousands of years of technical evolution and will mark a high-point in human history.

No longer will people have to choose whether to carry a cellular phone OR a knife- with the new knife phone, they will have the luxury of both.

You are a creature of habit and for thousands of years, humans placed the cell phone device near their ear.

Shortly after purchasing your new knife phone, you are sitting at home preparing a delicious sheet of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  Your mind is singularly focused on the directions located on the back of the bag.

It's really easy to make Totino's Pizza rolls.

It’s really easy to make Totino’s Pizza rolls.

Suddenly, your phone rings.  Without thinking, you grab the phone and draw it toward your ear.

It is only a matter of seconds now until you die so don’t worry.  For a moment, you have clarity and higher level understanding that you just stabbed your brain with your new knife phone.

Mmmm...limited Mexican style pizza.

Mmmm…limited Mexican style pizza.

Your last thoughts are of the delicious pan of pizza rolls that would take a longer period of time to kill you and you wish you’d lived long enough to eat them.

And then you die.

Coma Cancels Portable Phone Book Tote Bag Program

portable phone book tote

 

By Coma News Staff

Officials at Coma’s Yellow Pages Directory announced today they will cancel the popular portable phone book tote bag program after numerous complaints and injuries by users.

“This is a sad day for anyone who loves portable phone book tote bags,” Coma Yellow Pages publisher, George Whitener said.

The tote bag program was created in 2009 as the phone book company sought ways to remain relevant in a digital age. As profits plummeted from one year to the next, Whitener developed the idea that he thought would propel the phone book into the 21st century.

“The new-look phone book had to be portable, that was rule number one,” Whitener said.  “We spent months trying to think of ways to make the book smaller or lighter or more portable.  And then one day, someone walked into a meeting with this lovely tote bag and we all stopped and stared and said, ‘that’s it!’”

The tote bag was complimentary with hopes users would be more likely to carry their phone books with them when they went shopping, out to eat or any public outing.

portable phone book tote 4

Despite some early momentum, the portable phone book tote bag fell out of favor with consumers, who cited strain on the neck and back and a general sense of exhaustion caused by carrying around a 24 pound book all over God’s Green Earth.

Based on this feedback, Whitener and his team did a re-design to make the book lighter and the portable phone book tote bag version 2.0 hit the streets in the spring of 2010.

portably phone book tote 3

“We went through the phone book and decided to remove a lot of the listings that nobody gave a shit about any more,” Whitener said.  “We removed any listing having to do with museums, libraries, really anything cultural value was removed.  That dropped the weight by about six pounds.”

To complicate matters, following the launch of version 2.0, several deaths were linked to heart failure and stroke due to excessive strain caused by the phone book tote.  Several lawsuits followed and the product was scrapped entirely.

portable phone book tote 2

“A lot of people were bitching about neck and back pain and some people required surgery to repair minor spinal damage.” Whitener said with a hint of disgust. “We put a fucking chart up on how people should stand and walk and shit to reduce their risk of serious injury.  It’s not my fault they can’t read or understand a basic picture!”

While a number of lawsuits were settled out of court, the company is still facing pending litigation.  Company officials said the tote bags would no longer be available starting today.