The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.
When he wasn’t editing Coma News, Don Johnson Michaels was doing free farm labor for Coma Publisher Davis Montgomery III.
by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia
Illnesses of the mind are terrifying and mysterious. But even worse–to both the afflicted and those who love them–are sicknesses of the groin.
As the mystery of Don Johnson Michaels continues, some observers–primarily this reporter–have wondered whether his erratic behavior could have been driven by an embarrassing case of swamp shorts.
So we sat down with Michaels’ physician, Dr. Jimmy, to see if our wild speculation had any basis in fact.
Coma News: Thank you for joining us today.
Dr. Jimmy: Thanks for having me, brother.
CN: I should disclose upfront that Dr. Jimmy is this reporter’s brother and until recently I slept on his couch.
DJ: I have enjoyed having the use of my furniture back.
CN: As amazing as discussing my sleeping arrangements is, I think our listeners would be more interested in what you can tell us about the missing editor.
DJ: Michaels?
CN: Yes.
DJ: Fascinating man.
CN: And?
DJ: And what?
CN: And did he have zipper drawers?
DJ: OK, I don’t know what that is. But if you’re asking about a medical condition then you should know I can’t violate patient-doctor confidentiality.
CN: Wait, what? Then why are you here.
DJ: I thought your listeners might be interested in my latest experience in the “30 Dates for Science” initiative.
CN: That thing where you go on a date to test a scientific hypothesis? I very much doubt–
DJ: I arranged my latest date through the local young artists’ hookup site, Kinder. My hypothesis was to validate the recent clinical study that linked creative personalities with mental illness.
CN: Perhaps in some roundabout way that might address the issue we’re examining–
DJ: Exactly, so I took my young naked interpretive dance friend, we’ll call her Miley Cyrus, out to a night at the opera.
CN: This sounds like it’s going to get pretty weedy. Any chance you could cut to the conclusion. Like, was she looney or no?
DJ: Well, there was actually a series of improbable events during our evening, which resulted in my leaving a classical French restaurant’s bathroom without my pants–
CN: Oh, so you got sloshed on a date again?
DJ: Well, yes but there was a significant correlation–
CN: Fascinating developments there, Dr. Jimmy, but we’re going to have to stop you because that’s all the time we have this week. Thank you so much for sharing your insight, and your um picadillos, with our audience.
Next time on Serious: We speculate wildly on whether a pet parakeet’s death and a subsequent skydiving accident could have contributed to Michaels’ downward spiral.
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