Of Beginnings and Middles and Granny Panties

“And all the colors I am inside have not been invented yet.”
Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
When Robert arrived to watch the kids while I ran to Bob’s Mart grocery store I was trailing Jimmy’s bike like a frantic monkey trainer. Except this trainer wasn’t going to let Jimmy fall. Every time he even wobbled I was there to right him.”What are you doing?” Robert said. “Let him fall.”
But Jimmy could get a broken arm or a concussion. Even paralysis was a possibility.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it's hard to figure out.

This book is important because we need people to explain to us how to let go because it’s hard to figure out.

“But he won’t,” Robert said. “Let him fail a little. Your mom did.”
In fact, my mom let me fail all over town as I was free to ride my bike alone throughout Coma–something that seems lost to the dustbin of history.
 Robert promised to protect Jimmy so steered my hip hop-blasting hooptie ride toward the store.
I pulled in to Bob’s  Mart beside a Dodge Dart, which was full of teen boys staring open-mouthed at the hooptie Suburban blasting “Gangsta Paradise.”
As I walked past I could hear the boys laughing. When I turned around to look and realized my sun dress was caught in the back seam of my granny panties I did what any gangster mom would do and flashed them the international mom sign of “shhh.
Back at the farmhouse Robert sat on the porch with Johnny (7 years old)  reading Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“Where’s Jimmy?” I asked.
“I let him go.” said Robert.
“You did what?!”I was running back to my car as he yelled “you should let him–“
Robert was drowned out by Gangsta Paradise and my realization that I hate Shel Silverstien because no sidewalk should end. Ever.
I tore down the country road and rounded the corner before slamming the brakes to keep from T-boning a cow in the middle of the road. I jumped out of the gansta mobile trying to figure out how to move a cow when I saw Jimmy coming down the hill on his bike. And he’s fine.
 “Hey mom. ‘I’ll race you home.”
 And passes me and he’s gone, rounding the corner and heading back toward our house.
And I am standing here alone.
Standing in front of the cow and I realize my sundress has once again tucked in to my granny panties.
“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
where-the-sidewalk-ends

Senior Parade Mistaken for Zombie Attack

By Coma News Daily Staff


A parade last weekend celebrating the oldest citizens in Coma almost turned to tragedy after one citizen mistook the shuffling seniors for a wave of moaning zombies.

The parade is the only source of exercise and fresh air for the year for many of Coma’s oldest citizens, as well as a convenient way for other residents to see who’s still alive and kicking.
The annual senior citizens parade follows a three mile route through and around town and started Saturday afternoon. kicking. Last years parade took a record 9 and a half hours.
That is why it may not have been wholly unexpected that at 2am–12 hours after the parade’s start–that Marybell Davis, a local online detective, was awoken by the sounds of groaning and shuffling feet and attempted to alert area defense officials.
brainsvsbran
“I had a Walking Dead marathon over the weekend,” Davis said.
The Coma National Guard armory dismissed Marybell’s phone call as a prank.“Sure it was a false alarm, this time, but I would really like someone to look into the odds of a zombie attack,” Davis said. “Also, that show is fantastic and everyone should watch it.”

When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.

“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”

In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.

Advertorial: Vistas, Excitement, Weddings!

by Coma News staff

Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.

11 COMA LANDMINE TOURS AD

There’s nothing better than a destination wedding and Coma Landmine Tours and Museum aims to be the premiere destination for nuptials.

“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!

Artifacts Illiteracy & You

Coma Illiteracy 04 25 16

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

[FreecycleComa] Offer: child’s juice boxes opened

My child won’t drink this. Picture below. Must take all. Porch pick up.

 

beatlejuice

[FreecycleComa] Wanted: mesh laundry bag

Looking for a mesh or cloth bag that can easily be folded and put in a suitcase that can carry some animal skins. Moving out of the country. Thanks so much. Will pick up within 50 mile radius.

email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com

ariel 2

[FreecycleComa] OFFER: Some Organ

Wurlitzer home organ circa 1960’s. Not working. Has no keys. Pedals are in good condition. Speaker fabric is ripped. Email with date and time for pick up.

townofcoma (at) gmail.com

tAnWagX

This organ is not my organ because my organ is working but gives you some idea of what my organ might be restored to if you have a lot time and meticulous attention to detail. Also, this organ has keys and mine does not. You would need to know how to play it in order to really utilize it once you spend the time to fix it.

 

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Double Take Offers Premier Celebrity Lookalikes at Affordable Prices

The following is a paid advertisement

by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC

Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency.  We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!

Double Take 1

ABOVE: Advertisement for Double Take, Coma’s newest celebrity lookalike agency

Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony?  Or maybe a car wash fundraising event?  Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.

Don’t believe me?  See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…

“ANDERSON COOPER” RUBS ELBOWS WITH GENESYSTEMS EMPLOYEES

Double Take 3

ABOVE: Anderson Cooper celebrity lookalike, Milar Mlynar wows guests at a recent corporate event

“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”

– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.

CHRISTIAN BALE “MIXES” IT UP AT CHAMBER OF COMMERCE MIXER

Double Take 4

ABOVE: Christian Bale lookalike, Dennis Hornbuckle (center) mingles with guests at Coma Chamber of Commerce’s Summer Mixer

“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours.  I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time.  For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine.  But, it all worked out in the end.”

– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce

STAR WARS ANDROID A BIG HIT AT CREDIT UNION OPENING

Double Take 2

ABOVE: A piece of metal painted to look like a robot (left) served as the C3PO lookalike at a recent ribbon-cutting ceremony.

“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure.  Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”

– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union

And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation.  You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!

 

Down Dog Appreciation Society Coming

By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter

Yoga enthusiasts and enthusiasts of yoga enthusiasts will realize their long-held dream of a competitive yoga league when the Coma Yoga Appreciators (CYA) launches this fall.

The popularity of yoga pants has led to near-saturation of the potential market for yoga among women. But yoga’s male appeal has generally been limited to a handful of coastal cities and flambuoyant neighborhoods.

But CYA organizers will exponentially expand yoga’s appeal by making it a competitive spectator sport.

“There’s a massive untapped yoga market out there: spectators,” said Jax Owen, who will launch CYA along with other residents of A Home for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.

“We just knew there was a way to combine the amazing flexibility of yoga athletes with the guttural grunts of competitive tennis,” Owen said.
yogaappreciationsociety
The assisted living facility will be home to one of eight CYA “fields” around which outdoor bars will be aranged. Although the specific competitive rules and scoring system have yet to be worked out, Owen was confident that he has figured out the most important component to make the new sport succeed.

“Pro sports are losing fans all over this country but here at CYA our only concern is making sure we don’t run out of bar stools or kegs,” Owen said. “Men love competition.”

Among known details are that games will last the length of happy hour, will include extensive stretching and will not be called on account of rain. All uniforms will be mostly white “to minimize heat exposure,” Owen said.

Turnout of prospective players for August training camp will be unexpectedly strong after the CYA offers prospective players new yoga outfits, gym memberships and spa treatments.

“Turns out, women love competitive sports, as well,” Owen said.

“Suspiciously Tall” Man Asked to Leave Town Tour

by Coma News Staff

An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.

“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”

According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.

“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”

ABOVE: Tour Guide, Micah Horncraft, stands near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot where he recently removed a “suspiciously” tall guest. “A guy that tall’s got to be hiding something,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”

Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”

“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”

Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”

“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”

Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.