― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
When asked about a zombie defense plan, Mayor Dave Anderson offered assurances that an emergency response was in place.
“That’s half the reason we have underground tunnels all throughout town,” Dave Anderson said. “That, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going outside to get a burrito.”
In the case of a zombie attack the town recommends locking your doors and barring windows, as well as filling your bathtub with water, which is a key response to any possible emergency in the town.
Coma is sending shock waves across the wedding industry with the launch of “Destination: Coma” by the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum.
“People ask me ‘How do people stayed married’ and my answer is always the same: Have a destination wedding,” said Sadie Cracker, marketing director for the Coma Landmine Tour and Museum (CLTM).
The CLTM recently opened as a venue for outdoor nuptials and camping for the entire wedding party and guests.
“We got the idea after people rented out pieces of the Landmine Tour and Museum for years for their in-laws to stay during visits to relatives in town,” Cracker said. “And don’t let the name fool you, we’ve only had two fatalities–a family dog and a feral schnauzer that were humping in the south field.”
In exchange for the negligible danger, CLTM offers unparralled vistas across Coma Valley and O’bert’s grassy pee spot.
“No one has ever gotten married there and you could be the first,” Cracker said.
Who needs the fake corporate thrills and piped in music of Disney Land when you can have the breath-taking thrill of a lifetime just walking across our eerily quiet fields?
“I can’t think of a better way to start a couple on the terror-filled ride that is marriage and family than this amazing, historic location,” Cracker said.
For better or worse book your destination wedding at the CLTM and redefine everything you thought your wedding should be–and don’t forget the free fireworks show included with every wedding package!
[FreecycleComa] Offer: child’s juice boxes opened
My child won’t drink this. Picture below. Must take all. Porch pick up.
Looking for a mesh or cloth bag that can easily be folded and put in a suitcase that can carry some animal skins. Moving out of the country. Thanks so much. Will pick up within 50 mile radius.
email: townofcoma (at) gmail.com
Wurlitzer home organ circa 1960’s. Not working. Has no keys. Pedals are in good condition. Speaker fabric is ripped. Email with date and time for pick up.
townofcoma (at) gmail.com
Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators? Write to us at townofcoma (at) gmail.com .
_________________________________________________________________________
Please always use:
– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]
– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]
NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.
The following is a paid advertisement
by Micah Horncraft, Founder and CEO, Double Take, LLC
Double Take is celebrating its three-month anniversary! In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last 90 days, Double Take is Coma’s premier, full-service celebrity impersonators agency. We feature more than 40 celebrity lookalikes and are adding more every week!
Do you have an upcoming ribbon-cutting ceremony? Or maybe a car wash fundraising event? Need to inject some cache into your next PTA meeting? Let Double Take find a celebrity lookalike for your event and be prepared to be wowed.
Don’t believe me? See below for some real-life testimonials from real-life clients…
“ANDERSON COOPER” RUBS ELBOWS WITH GENESYSTEMS EMPLOYEES
“People were completely freaking out all over the place because they thought that guy from CNN was actually at our mandatory company event. I was surprised he had such a thick European accent, but otherwise, I think most people had a hard time believing it WASN’T Anderson Cooper.”
– Rory Shields, Office Manager, Genesystems, Inc.
CHRISTIAN BALE “MIXES” IT UP AT CHAMBER OF COMMERCE MIXER
“It was like hanging out with Bruce Wayne at a Chili’s for two hours. I was a little nervous at first because he asked me if I had any weed or something stronger. But outside of him getting a little touchy with some of the female guests and the fact he walked out on his bill, he was a spot-on impersonator and our guests had a great time. For the record, a few of the guests thought he was supposed to be Michael Caine. But, it all worked out in the end.”
– Sylvia Strong, President, Coma Chamber of Commerce
STAR WARS ANDROID A BIG HIT AT CREDIT UNION OPENING
“The children really enjoyed having one of their favorite Star Wars characters on hand. There was also this guy dressed in a black cowboy hat and black leather jacket. We thought maybe he was supposed to be Chewbacca or Darth Vader, but we weren’t sure. Other than that, it seemed like it was worth the fifty dollars to hire the C3PO impersonator.”
– Gary Buecher, Manager, Coma Employee Credit Union
And those are just a few of the happy customers we have served in our first few months of operation. You could be our next happy customer! Contact Double Take, LLC today and find out how we can help you create an unforgettable experience for your customers, coworkers or friends!
By Thomas Steven John, future news reporter
Yoga enthusiasts and enthusiasts of yoga enthusiasts will realize their long-held dream of a competitive yoga league when the Coma Yoga Appreciators (CYA) launches this fall.
The popularity of yoga pants has led to near-saturation of the potential market for yoga among women. But yoga’s male appeal has generally been limited to a handful of coastal cities and flambuoyant neighborhoods.
But CYA organizers will exponentially expand yoga’s appeal by making it a competitive spectator sport.
“There’s a massive untapped yoga market out there: spectators,” said Jax Owen, who will launch CYA along with other residents of A Home for Those Guys, Coma’s assisted living facility for recently divorced men.
“We just knew there was a way to combine the amazing flexibility of yoga athletes with the guttural grunts of competitive tennis,” Owen said.
The assisted living facility will be home to one of eight CYA “fields” around which outdoor bars will be aranged. Although the specific competitive rules and scoring system have yet to be worked out, Owen was confident that he has figured out the most important component to make the new sport succeed.
“Pro sports are losing fans all over this country but here at CYA our only concern is making sure we don’t run out of bar stools or kegs,” Owen said. “Men love competition.”
Among known details are that games will last the length of happy hour, will include extensive stretching and will not be called on account of rain. All uniforms will be mostly white “to minimize heat exposure,” Owen said.
Turnout of prospective players for August training camp will be unexpectedly strong after the CYA offers prospective players new yoga outfits, gym memberships and spa treatments.
“Turns out, women love competitive sports, as well,” Owen said.
by Coma News Staff
An unusually tall visitor was asked to leave a sightseeing tour recently after the tour guide grew suspicious about the man’s extraordinary height.
“If you’re trying to get one over on me, it’s probably not going to work,” Coma Land Mine Tour guide, Micah Horncraft said. “If you’re tall, that’s cool. I have nothing against that. But THAT tall? Come on man. Something’s up.”
According to witnesses, the tour began near O’Bert’s Grassy Pee Spot. After Horncraft discussed the history of the location, the group was ready to move on to the area behind the bus stop on Sixth Street when Horncraft stopped the tour.
“He told everybody to stop walking and said there was something ‘amiss’,” one witness said. “Then he pointed to this really tall guy and told him to step out. It was really awkward.”
Horncraft reportedly told the man he was no longer welcome to continue the tour, apologized for the inconvenience and invited the man to return at a later date at no charge if he should “become a less-suspicious height.”
“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for any reason,” Horncraft said. “And when you walk into my tour group and are the tallest human being in the history of the world, you’re gonna get checked at the door.”
Several eyewitness said they were surprised by Horncraft’s actions, especially because they didn’t find the visitor to be “that tall.”
“He was maybe six foot three or six four,” one eyewitness said. “He wasn’t tall enough to make you want to call authorities.”
Horncraft said it was only the second time he’s removed someone from his tour, citing a similar incident in 2011 when one of the guests was excused for having “too bushy of a beard.”
“I hate asking people to leave the tour,” Horncraft said. “But you come at me too tall or…too much facial hair, you’re just asking for it. I didn’t cause that guy to leave the tour. He caused it himself.”
Horncraft said the rest of the tour was uneventful.