By Coma News Daily Staff

Remember when Coma politicians wanted to ‘Save the World‘ one outdoor-summer-small-town venue at a time?

The band “Save the World,” which is comprised of Coma baby boomer politicians has lowered their sights a bit during this year’s summer tour.

“We realized ‘the world’ is very large. We are just three amazing musicians and that chick tambourine player, so literally saving the world is a lot to ask,” said Coma Mayor Dave Anderson.

Mayor Dave Anderson sings a song about fighting the man and then confuses himself since he’s the man.

Anderson not only plays lead guitar for the band but also leads a town government known for pioneering new tax schemes, like a sidewalk use tax and a buzzard-landed-on your-property tax.

“What we know we can save is the bar scene in Coma,” Anderson said. “Right now, there’s way too much jazz and Sadie Cracker playing some weird accoustic crap because she’s the only attractive woman in town. We realized that once again what’s needed is more overplayed 60s music–and John Lennon references, lots of Lennon references.”

Before they transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ was reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

This summer ‘Save the World’ will play every bar, restaurant and food truck gathering in Coma–and possibly some grocery stores.

“I never realized about it before,” said  Bob Smith-Smith, former Town Council member and the band’s drummer. “But what the world really needs is some shredding between their lettuce heads. And do mean the guitar kind of shedding and not the food processor kind. Also, my current wife, who is almost 30 years younger than me and super hot, will really love to hear me play guitar while she’s purchasing some salad ingredients.”

Some people who don’t feel the same, including the newest member of Save the World, Jax Owen.

“We’re just better at larger venues, where I’m also more likely to find some lonely married women who need someone to love them for just 3 to 4 minutes,” Owen said.

The main goal of the band this year remains the same: To spread the wisdom and integrity of the baby boomer generation to “all of those Gen Xers who are pretty much idiots about life,” said Councilwoman Natalie Peters, who plays the “very important” tambourine.

So check out Save the World this summer, as it saves bars and produce aisles all over Coma. Details on play dates and locations can be found on the town government.

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By Thomas Steven John, Future Reporter

Its time to set your pitchforks to “roast,” Coma.

In a bold political move–eventually referred to as “one of the worst decisions ever”–Mayor Dave Anderson will spearhead next week a local ordinance banning caffeinated substances of any kind.

This reporter has learned about the town’s coming “cafe-maggedon” from a peyote-fueled fever dream eventually treated with coffee.

The ban will spawn almost immediate opposition once everyone realized Mayor Anderson wasn’t joking. “We need to ban everything because people are clearly idiots and can’t make rational decisions.” Mayor Anderson will say.

The ban will be enacted as an unnoticed provision of an omnibus bill conferring a range of dog rights.

Days after the ban hospitals will be flooded with migraine victims as local stores institute cartel-level pricing on Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers.

The Society for People Who Write Stuff at Coffee Shops will be forced to disband about 20 minutes after the ban begins. It will take the town years to recover from the loss of the fearless vanguard of writers awaiting immanent acclaim for their blogs and comments section posts.

All union workers will vote unanimously to delay the start of workdays until noon or 2pm on Mondays. The town’s afternoon nap incentive program will finally receive the funding it has long deserved.

Illegal chocolate covered coffee bean runners will spread through town “beaning” customers and baffling police, who will be powerless to care about their crime.

Several protests-turned-riots will demand the town’s lights be “turned down a bit and could everyone just shut up for once?”

The ban on caffeine will last for approximately 12 days until City Hall insiders discover Mayor Anderson’s secret cache of 80-pound bags of light roast Colombian hidden behind a false wall in his office.

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